July 5, 2024 We All Lost It was not a debate.  It was a loud mouthed bully shouting lies, insults and false exaggerations at an older man who struggled with physical limitations to answer.  It was sad and pathetic and got us nowhere. James Carville, the Democratic strategist, had this suggestion. Let Biden withdraw from the race.  Have Biden, Obama and Clinton meet in the Oval Office and come up with five names of electable presidential candidates who will give keynote addresses at the Democratic convention this summer and let the people decide. As for President Biden’s age, I’ve said this before.  Old age is an unforgiving state.  It comes on gradually and there’s no way to practice for it. Just accept the inevitable and enjoy what you can. There’s no turning back. There are no do-overs. Let’s move on and VOTE BLUE! June 28, 2024 Socrates, You Said It Socrates, who lived a very, very long time ago, once said, “He who loses the debate, will resort to insults.” Oh yes. Secondly, our Natural Resource Worker reports from the nearby State Park campground that the campground hosts are the “nicest people in the world.”  How refreshing to hear that such people are still around and spending their time being helpful, all for a free campsite. Thanks. June 21, 2024 Heat Wave.  It’s Somebody’s Fault. I don’t believe that in my eighty plus years I have ever experienced such heat.  Upper nineties and for so long! Seven days!  Outdoor concerts cancelled.  Heat advisories issued.  Cooling centers opened at the local library.  And what about those bikers who are riding across Ohio?  Are they holding up?  And the golf tournament.  Still on?  In my childhood we would blame the Armenians for any supernatural problems.  Then we blamed the Russians.  Now what?  Oh, I know.   It’s the Republicans. June 14, 2024 Merci Mille Fois                 I have always loved to color.  There’s something soothing about staying within the lines and creating something relatively beautiful from plain black and white.  So imagine my delight when my artistic children gave me a top of the line set of colored pencils, 132 soft lead beauties, with  fanciful names both English and French. Over 25 red ones alone, designated as mulberry, crimson lake, Tuscan red, burnt ochre, process red (rouge quadriechromie), dahlia purple, seashell pink, and on and on. Every time I work in my adult coloring book (no, it’s not what you are thinking) I’m grateful. Quelle experience! jUNE 7, 2024 Life is OK The world is coming back and straightening up.  The doctor says I can keep my gallstones, Trump has been convicted, I cut back a substantial bunch of weeds today and the AC is doing its job. When we first moved to Ohio in 1965, we had no air conditioning and I vividly remember sitting in the living room in front of the fan, immobilized by the stifling, humid heat.  No knitting, no reading just sitting and waiting for the next meal to be prepared, next load of laundry, next household problem. Life has improved remarkably and I’m grateful. May 31, 2024 This Crazy World The world is at sixes and sevens (origin of idiom uncertain, one suggestion having to do with the dots on a die).  I feel this because last night  I saw the first June bugs, aka fireflies, and it’s not even June! Further confusion, if Trump is convicted of a felony, he would be unable to enlist in the military service, and yet be a possible Commander in Chief?  Such uncertainties.  My little printer wouldn’t connect to my phone for weeks and then one day it not only connects but prints! I’ll have to resort to my usual cure for the doldrums.  A Beefeater martini and a good basketball game.  Go Celtics! May 24, 2024 Rain, rain, go away Well, fine.  Raining again.  Not only preventing me from carrying out Plan A which is attacking the side yard and cutting back weeds, but it’s compounding the problem by encouraging more growth of invasive plants and an unwanted  profusion of  green vegetation. This year has so far been a boon for farmers and gardeners but a little too much for me.  Stop.  Dry up. May 17, 2024 Urgent.  Memo. Memo to THE MOUSE;  Stop coming into my kitchen at night while I’m sleeping and nosing around and leaving your little poops.  You can stop chewing on chip bags and fooling around in the silverware drawer.  I have put away all the food and tightly covered the peanuts, so scram!  You are not an inside animal.  You are a wild creature who lives outdoors.  If you persist, I warn you I have THE BOX ready and I will use it.  Goodbye. May 10, 2024                                                                              Small Town News One week before finals, the end of the semester and graduation, and this town is hopping. Uptown park has farmer’s market and various musical performers. There’s a modest but heartfelt sit in on campus urging the university to divest its interests in Israel. Shademakers Nursery is having a day long workshop on native shrubs and plants and how to get rid of invasive others. And across the street, where several girls are living (probably the proud owners of the WiFi moniker “The Bitches Upstairs”) a little drama ensues in which a young man goes to the door, knocks, waits, knocks, waits, brings out his phone and calls. Waits. Aha! The door opens. He’s not invited in but a fairly long conversation follows ending with a selfie, a good-bye and that’s that. My hour by the window ends with a bicyclist with white hair, helmet and briefcase sails by, narrowly missing a skateboarder, no helmet but plenty of speed. Yes. May 3, 2024 Getting old.  I like it.   Oh the joy of having professional landscapers pull the weeds, lug the gravel, wheel the barrows of mulch and voila!  a front yard I can be proud of and hopefully can ignore for several weeks, maybe the whole summer! Right up there with having groceries delivered. There are some good things about old age. April 26, 2024 What next?                 Well, here I go.  Swept away by modern technology.  Not only am I addicted to my I phone, now I’m relentlessly attached to my Kindle. No more adjusting the reading lamp or sitting near a source of natural light.  No more 400 page tomes perched on my stomach.  Forget the bookmarks, the reading glasses, the magnifying glass.  This little devil remembers what page I’m on, knows to turn off when I’ve stopped reading, adjusts the font and lighting so I’m comfortable and will probably laugh out loud if needed. Sorry, paper books.  You’re done. April 18, 2024 Evolution; Good? Bad? Just as homo sapiens is slowly losing its hair because we spend our time in a covered environment and don’t need the protection that a full head of hair originally provided, so we will slowly forget how to turn things off and on as technology takes over that seemingly simple task.  Computers, phones, devices of every kind turn off and on voluntarily after a while.  I have never turned on or off the car headlights, for example (barely know where the light switch is after 7 years). I picture a little child, seeing an antique light switch,  innocently saying “Mommy, what is “on” and “off”? April 12, 2024 TOTALLED Like everyone else who experienced the eclipse, I was thrilled. It was probably a once in a lifetime event as I will be 120 when it comes to Ohio again. Making it more special, my family, now scattered over the country, enjoyed participating in a natural wonder together.  Massachusetts, Connecticut, Florida, New York, North Carolina, Indiana, we all watched the moon take a bite out of the sun in varying degrees. Totally fun.  Totally wondrous.   April 5, 2024 Mysteries of Life                 I have a handy dandy little printer attached to my phone and one day, after the electricity was out for a brief flicker, it was “disconnected.”  Well, okay, so I unplugged and then plugged. Nothing. For several days I try everything; check settings, check Bluetooth (whatever that is), all “connected” but not really.  I push, I jiggle, I shake it, practically stomp on it, nothing.  Then yesterday, OUT OF THE BLUE, it comes to life and begins printing. Mystery.                 I go upstairs to watch the news and OMG, right in the middle of my recliner, MOUSE DROPPINGS! And also on the adjoining table.  I knew a mouse had been in the kitchen, but upstairs? In the bedroom? During the day? Say it isn’t so.                 One time I turned on the TV and it yells! Loudly! The volume is huge! I get it down to almost nothing but it’s still wrong.  I turn the TV off, wait, back on, volume normal.   What is going on?                 But the biggest mystery of all – why would anyone want a man of despicable character, amoral, a liar, cheat and adulterer in the Oval office and running our country? I’m totally stumped.   March 29, 2024 BugUgly.  Bigly.   Two things I like about winter; when the leaves are gone, I can see what’s happening around the neighborhood, and all the bugs in the world are either dead or soundly sleeping.  So now that spring is here, bringing all the promise of warmth, regrowth and open windows, so come the bugs.  A single ant started the parade a couple of weeks ago, and now it’s at least two a day, or more, and in various sizes, dexterity and audacity. I had one ant appear on the edge of the book I was reading!  What nerve! Yesterday a big fat beetle was napping on the toilet paper roll!  Ugh.  I hate them. March 22, 2024 City Trees                 There are over 600,000 trees lining the streets of New York City and the beds around them amount to 400 acres of soil.  According to last Sunday’s New York Times, people will take advantage of the spring weather to satisfy the urge to do some gardening; even though the little plots of earth technically belong to the city, the neighbors will take ownership and plant flowers and  erect fences of wood, poles, old skateboards or cement blocks. Some have turned the space into a memorial for a departed loved one.                 The parks department recognizes the effect trees have on flood control, lowering temperature and absorbing carbon dioxide among other benefits, and last year planted 15,000 trees in poorer neighborhoods.                 Way to go,New York!     March 15, 2024 More About Trees Some well known facts from an article in SIERRA by Ben Jealous; trees in cities reduce surface temperatures.  They cleanse the air and help protect against flooding. They improve residents’ mental and physical health. There is even a correlation with public safety.  Neighborhoods with more street trees have lower crime rates. And as if you need any more incentive to keep the Biden administration going for another four years, the Inflation Reduction Act invests $1.5 billion to plant new trees in more than 350 cities and tribal communities, not to mention all the jobs that will be created to plant and then maintain urban trees. Long live trees! Keep up the good work!   March 8, 2024 Game Over “ All ee All ee In free! Come out, come out wherever you are!”  Remember crying this when the hide and seek game was done? Republicans! Democrats! Independents! All reasonable, thinking voters!  Your country needs you to keep Trump out of the White House. Please. March 1, 2024 Please!  Thank You! I found myself the other day being rude, yes, downright impolite, to Alexa.  When asked if I wanted to reorder shampoo, I curtly said “No.”  Not even, “No thank you.”  Is this the new norm?  Is it okay to omit “please” and “thank you”? I think it all started with the mobile phone messaging, when you didn’t say “Hello” or “good-bye”. You just wrote or said your message and then pressed “send”. No “Love, Mom” or “Dear Somebody.” My daughter does end her messages with oxox, which at first glance would appear to be an upper respiratory gagging reflex, but I now take it as a sign of affection. So along with cursive writing and clocks with hands, do we say goodbye to spelling  out “thanks”  and “you” and why bother when you are given options by your phone or watch and pretty soon you won’t have to think at all. Stop! Slow down.  No more improvements please. February 23, 2024 Tree City.  I’m in it. I’ve always loved trees.  When I was a kid, I climbed them.  I sat on fallen logs, read in their shade, had picnics in the woods, ate their fruit. As an adult I let them grow in my back yard and only cut them down when their dead limbs fell indiscriminately on anyone walking out the back door. I am in awe at their versatility.  They lift vast volumes of water, several hundred gallons in the case of a large tree on a hot day, from its roots to its leaves, where it is returned to the atmosphere.  They manufacture lignin and cellulose; regulate the storage and production of tannin, sap, gum oils and resins; dole out minerals and nutrients; convert starches into sugars. They provide nesting places for owls. They even communicate with each other. So right now my back yard, which is the size of a large kitchen, displays a myriad of black branches, twigs, stems and limbs through which I can watch the bright blue sky, the crow family swooping around the roofs, the squirrels cavorting on the branches, the birds doing their things. And  I look to the coming of spring, when all those limbs will bud, fill out with leaves and leave me with nothing to see but a canopy of green above and on the ground.  My trees will grow, maybe some new ones will appear in what has been called “Harwood’s One Hundredth of an Acre Wood.” Maple, ash, hackberry, oak, hemlock.  Welcome. February 16, 2024 Problem Solved                   Wendy’s closes early because of lack of help for the late shift. Service is slow at Bob Evans because not enough workers.  Dollar General suffers multiple thefts.  One person is working the whole store. “Now Hiring”, “Help Wanted” signs all over town. Businesses advertise they will hire convicted felons.  Some innocent person from another planet posts on Facebook she is in search of a job and is greeted with hysterical laughter.                 In response to this crisis Republicans impeach the Secretary of Homeland Security.  Instead, why don’t they propose some reform at the border like increasing the number of entrance ways into this country, send down hordes of lawyers and legal experts to alleviate the entry process of legal immigrants and get all these people on their way to fill these minimum wage jobs that Americans don’t seem to want? February 9, 2024 Deep Breath. Think. Taking note that Biden received favorable publicity by joining striking union members at a UAW plant in Detroit Michigan, the Donald decided to hold a campaign  rally (at the same time as the Republican presidential debate) in Michigan.  According to public records obtained by the inimitable staff of Rachel Maddow, the Trump people paid $20,000 for permission to rally in front of a plant and pictures abounded of signs shouting “Trump for Unions” and “Unions Love Trump.” Of course when asked by a reporter if the sign holder was a union man, the answer was “no.”  In fact, that particular plant did not even have a union.  O.M.G.  And yet Mr. and Mrs. America, having lunch in a nearby diner, stoutly insisted they would vote for Trump, even though they couldn’t really come up with a good reason why. I am keeping the faith that reason will prevail in November. February 2, 2024 Results I’m back. Lost in the complexities of website editing but as usual blundered my way through. Warm? Cold? It says something when I’m grateful that the temperature is above freezing. And furthermore, how can anyone vote for that creep? We all know who I mean. Do you really want that petulant child/man in the Oval Office again? O. M. G. January 19, 2024 AKA The Octopus Book Just finished reading REMARKABLY BRIGHT CREATURES by Shelby Van Pelt and it was so good my first thought was “It would make a great movie.” But wait!  The main character is a giant Pacific octopus.  Where would we find an octopus willing to take on the part?  What octopus would want to slave under the hot lights?  Would we have to have 8 copies of his contract? And how would we pay him?  With giant fistfuls of herring? Oh boy. January 12, 2024 These are times that try men’s souls.  No words this week. January 5, 2024 RESOLUTIONS FOR 2024 I hereby resolve; To never lie to my children again that “Santa will bring the tree” and then send them off to bed early Christmas Eve, drag in the tree from behind the neighbor’s garage, wrestle it into the stand, painstakingly clip on every light, throw on the tinsel and ornaments, fill the stockings and then, the presents, only to find the doll house from Grandma is in a very flat package and necessitates assembling (insert slot A into slot B, etc. etc.}.  My children now assert it was all worth it but I don’t know. I hereby resolve To have a three foot artificial tree, all lit and decorated, and kept in a plastic bag,  only to be brought up from the basement every December.  Yes. I hereby resolve To eat nothing but pure butter, whole milk, real mayonnaise, creamy ice cream, no diet-anything and all the calories known to man. I refuse to deprive myself of anything that is meant to extend my life.  Mission accomplished. December 29, 2023 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  Family.  Love ‘em, cherish, appreciate, be so grateful especially around the holidays when you’re able to be with them. Amen.   December 22, 2023 Future People.  Don’t Look!                   Some time ago I read a prediction that through evolution of the species, over generations of development  humans would be hairless from being inside too much and therefore not needing hair for warmth and have bigger heads from too much thinking.  I’m afraid that was partly wrong.  I think we definitely have less hair on top, but because we don’t use our brains much anymore  our heads will be shrinking. For example,   do you know any phone numbers?  Do you have to find your way anywhere?  Do you worry about misspelling? Do you have to remember to wind your watch? To time your eggs? To fill up your car?  Even know how to drive? Never mind the explosion of artificial intelligence.                 In fact, as we adapt to the environment  our heads will get smaller from lack of use, and we will be developing enormous thumbs.  Dear God.  What a sight we will be!   December 15, 2023 The car that . . . well, does everything!                 Had my first ride in an all electric car, a Tesla.  Yikes! It’s so quiet.  The dashboard is totally plain and empty.  No speedometer, no gas gauge, no buttons, no flashing lights.  Just a good sized computer screen upon which you can do ANYTHING!  There are nine cameras at the ready so you can see in front, in back, both sides and probably above and under.  This car is smarter than Einstein and GET THIS, it farts.  Not only that, but you can choose which seat will do the honors! And the one I was in didn’t have the self steering app, which would be $6000 extra. Yeow.  Is this the car of the future? I can see that people in the next generation won’t have any need for a brain. Just nimble fingers . December 8, 2023 Words of Wisdom I saw this on Facebook and I think it bears repeating. If you vote for an 81 year old man in 2024, you will have a chance to vote for a new generation in 2028.  If you vote for a 78 year old, you’ll never vote again. December 1, 2023 Roar I see in a catalogue a printer that will print from my iphone, no computer, and for $169.  I’m sold.  Sure enough, two days later I am roused from my afternoon nap by a sharp rap on the door and here it is! Small but efficient.  So I unwrap all the components, put the paper and the tray in the little box, follow the plugs and wait.  There’s some instruction about Bluetooth, which I didn’t even know I had.  Then “Turn on your printer.”  I press the power button.  Nothing.  I check the plugs, even plug it into a different outlet.  Nothing.  Press, press, press.  Nothing,  nothing,  nothing.  Disgusted, I give up, go eat supper, watch the news, resigned to a wasted $169. But no.  I think. I eliminate .  I discriminate.  I speculate. It’s got to be the power button.  So I go back and look closely.  Hmmmm. The button, on close scrutiny seems to be a little higher on one end.  I push.  Hard.  A light lights.  The box hums and beeps.  OMG!  I go back to Bluetooth and there it is! I click on the printer.  Suddenly, without further ado, it starts whirring.  Out comes a picture, all yellow.  Then back in, more whirr and click, and out it comes, all orange.  I’m mesmerized.  In again, and then out, all blue!  I’m getting a pattern here and wait a few more ins and outs.  The final picture, beautiful!  Really vibrant colors .  I did it! I am woman!  Here me roar! November 24, 2023 “The tangled web we weave” I’m searching for the words to describe , when all the leaves are down,  those bare trunks, branches, and twigs,  a tangled web, much like the fishing line  we struggled with on the pier in Maine one summer when I was ten, or the mess of yarn in the box when skeins of yarn join up before being rolled into a ball .  This tangled web, best seen in the early evening when the sky is slate gray and the web is black and stands out.  How sad that the developers in town cut trees down to make way for parking spaces or more four story buildings to rent out to students.  How sad that before too long we’ll be left with nothing but street signs to remind us of all the trees that once ornamented our town;  chestnut, oak, elm, sycamore, linden, beech and poplar. Sad. November 17, 2023 Am I Okay? I once had three kids in diapers (in the days before Pampers)all at the same time, and thanks to my mother, I had a diaper service from a local laundry.  The day came when I could cancel the service and the guy calls ,all worried,” was there a problem?” So I expect a similar scenario because I buy almost daily from Amazon, and I fully expect if I miss a day, the delivery driver will come to the door, worried that I’m all right. Life. Hahaha. November 10, 2023 Finally! Heading in the right/correct direction!   It was nice to turn on the news the day after voting and to have my faith in humanity restored.  The Democratic governor of deeply red state Kentucky was reelected over the Trump endorsed Republican and Thank the Lord! abortion rights have been approved in many states including Ohio. I always loved the bumper sticker that said “Against abortion?  Don’t have one!”   November 3, 2023 Halloween…Bah, Humbug In spite of my personal distaste for Halloween – isn’t life frightening enough as it is? – and my aversion to seeing kids devour hordes of candy of no nutritional value and parents approve of begging and threatening tricks if not accommodated, it is heartening to see families celebrating and spending time together.  It appears that Halloween is a huge undertaking in some parts of Florida and involves adults in elaborate costume and displays. Even here in Ohio the holiday was extended over several days and culminated on Halloween  in a successful well populated Trick or Treat night. In this day and age, as we watch men gun down each other and massacre innocent civilians over territorial rights, and unstable young men attain machine guns and make racial and ethnic threats, it’s nice to see some happiness and a sense of normalcy.  So we have a generation of young people with bad teeth who think skeletons are worthy decorations.  I’ll move on. October 27, 2023 Signs of the times   It’s that time of year when political signs spring up in front yards, followed by Facebook complaints that their sign was stolen and probably by college kids. It’s been my experience that it’s not college kids but high school kids or even younger.  I can say this because I found some obviously stolen signs in my garage which have been there since I had school age kids myself.  “Property of the city of Oxford” and I cringed for years until the junk man who cleaned out the garage mercifully took them away without comment or turning me in. I also had another sign incident when I woke up one morning to find a “For Sale” sign in my front yard, mysteriously relocated from a For Sale house up the street. I guess I’m saying if you choose to put a sign in your yard that is conveniently placed near the sidewalk or easily accessible from the street then you might as well be prepared to find it gone at some point.  Sure it’s illegal, immoral and just not right.  Just get another and try again.  Cold weather will soon be upon us and it’s a lot harder to steal a sign if you’re wearing mittens. October 20, 2023 Jingle, Jingle I realize Christmas is a long way off, but I wanted to get this out so anyone who is so inclined will have time to memorize this snappy rendition  and on Christmas Day can astound family and confound their friends by bursting into “Jingle Bells” in Latin.   Per nivem currimus In raeda festiva, Per montes eximus Ridens omnia In equis sonora In animis soles In mundo omnia rident Pro tintinnabulis!  Euge!   Tinc tinc tonc tinc tinc tonc Tintinnabula! Quam iucundum vehere in raeda festiva! Tinc tinc tonc tinc tinc tonc Tintinnabula! Quam iucundum vehere, Io Saturnalia!   Any mistakes in the Latin or the translation are purely mine.  I’m pretty sure this is the only version in the whole world.    October 13, 2023 Long, Sad, Story   The TV in the kitchen, my companion for every meal, had been behaving in an erratic way.  “No Signal” it would announce and then come back for a day or two.  Finally it went “No Signal” permanently. So I call Spectrum and after a short conversation we decide I need a new cable box.  Sure enough, in three days it arrives on my front porch.  Meanwhile I have been watching instructional You Tubes “How to install a new cable box” and I’m ready.  Out come the scissors, various pliers, the instructions and I’m off.  I manage to unplug the old box and successfully plug all three cords in their correct spots. There are entirely different plugs for each, so I can’t really take much credit for that maneuver.  Lights flash, beeps resound and I await further instructions. Then I hit a brick wall.  Call this number the screen says. So I do and after ten minutes Evan appears.  I explain what I’ve done so far and he keeps saying “Awesome.” He pushes a few buttons and BEHOLD!  It’s on!  A few more questions, I have to push two buttons at once for three seconds and then it’s done.  AWESOME I say! I google how to dispense with the old cable box and it seems it’s worthless and as a matter of fact, obsolete.  My daughter stops by and also has the bad news, a cable box is obsolete. Nobody has one anymore. She has a little something the size of an apple and her daughter has a chip and really all you need is a smart TV.  So I have just learned a lesson that I can never use. Grrr.   No wonder Spectrum was so eager to send me a new one.  They probably have warehouses full of these technological dinosaurs.   September 29, 2023 Waiting . . . Waiting. . . Somehow Mother Nature didn’t get the memo; “It’s Fall!” You know, when the leaves turn color and FALL!  Instead, here it is the last week in September and there are five leaves on the ground and five gazillion still green on the tree.  I’m sure there is some explanation, probably having to do with the weather and global warming.  But we can always blame the Russians, the Chinese and as a last resort, the Republicans. October 6, 2023 Stop Yer Complainin’                   I think we’ll have to let this week just slip by.  There’s nothing to write about except Jimmy Carter has worked tirelessly to eradicate a nasty disease, the beautiful warm fall weather has ended, the leaves are still on the trees and still mostly green, the Reds failed in their bid for a wild card berth, the Bengals are doing poorly, my kitchen TV has broken down and a replacement cable box is in the mail and I'm forced to eat my meals watching. the rain come down and the temperature fall.  Life is still good and I can't complain.  Oh sorry.  I just did.   September 22, 2023 Click, click, click click click                   In a recent New Yorker article – typically long, detailed, definitive – Elizabeth Kolbert  describes how scientists are attempting to record and then translate the clicks and clacks that emanate from sperm whales.  It is heartening to know that, unlike some cretins in this world who are spending time and brain power on blowing up innocent people and their lives, many scholars are trying to use modern technology and artificial intelligence to reconstruct what would be language used by other species. The ultimate goal? “To increase awareness of thousands of endangered species and to  motivate the world to stop the runaway destruction of life”.   September 15, 2023 Priceless A Facebook post shows a florist shop in London that sells only poisonous plants – hemlock, oleander, deadly nightshade, etc.  The comment.  “Do they have a gift shop?” September 8, 2023 Or Lucky Coincidence Serendipity --   an aptitude for making desirable connections by accident.  So here I am, reading “Unlikely Animals” a novel by Annie Hartnett and reveling in the array of unusual animals, and then passing through a few pages of “What An Owl Knows” by Jennifer Ackerman and learning that what appears to be ears are really tufts of hair and their ears are slits in the side of their heads and then picking up the latest New Yorker only to find it is their “Animal Issue” including an article about trying to carry a huge turtle {the non snapping kind) onto an airplane, claiming it’s an emotional support animal (likewise the same attempt with a pig in an exclusive New York restaurant and a large turkey into a neighborhood  deli!)  And there’s James Thurber’s famous four toed dog, running across the cover of an issue published the year I was born! Truly serendipitous! September 1, 2023 Off With His Head! I’m thinking maybe he doesn’t have to go to prison. After all, he was President of the United States. At the very least, he should be barred from ever holding public office again. But then, Martha Stewart was sent to jail , just for insider trading. This man, not only appointed incompetent people to the Supreme Court, but led his followers in an insurrection against his own country and attempted to subvert the democratic process. These are serious crimes and he should not get away scot free. So on second thought, he probably should go to jail. It would be more like a resort hotel anyhow. August 25, 2023 A Poem   A favorite from Mary Oliver, RIP;   Except for the body Of someone you love, Including all its expressions In privacy and in public,   Trees, I think, Are the most beautiful Forms on the earth.   Though, admittedly, If this were a contest, The trees would come in An extremely distant second. August 18, 2023                                                                                       Kerchoo.                   Have you ever heard a deer sneeze? My visiting doe did just that several times right as she was drinking out of the bird bath.  So now I’ve heard a fawn bleat  and a ground hog grunt.  The only thing left to wish for is to hear a former president say he’s sorry for all the trouble he’s caused.  Oh, probably not. August 11, 2023 The Calm                   I usually write about the dog days of August, but honestly the weather has been beautiful – cool, dry, sunny.  It’s downright boring to mention the former president and his legal troubles.  More indictments? Ho hum. Corruption in the Supreme Court? No surprise there.  And the town is pretty dead.  No traffic to complain about.  No long lines at Dunkin Donuts.  So forget this week.  It’s the calm before the storm. August 4, 2023 And the circle, it goes round and round.   Well, here it is, August, and one or two June bugs are still lighting up my back yard.  Mother Nature’s little fireworks.  Not as spectacular as the community Fourth of July celebration and not accompanied by piped in music, but still lovely.  And now come the crickets, buzzing away, or are they unfortunate cicadas who forgot they are supposed to be underground, taking a seventeen year nap? At any rate, the buzzers will go on all fall, until they too will fade away and be reduced to a few holdouts, then one or two, then come winter, none. Ah, the cycle of life. Wondrous. July 28, 2023 Yes, yes, and yes. Punctuation  matters.   The doe and I spent some quality time together this morning.  She had her breakfast, sat ruminating in a quiet secluded spot near the fence, got up, scratched  her hide, thanks to her long neck, even to the farthest point on her back, rubbed the top of her head on the underside of the birdbath, thus answering my question, who is spilling the water out of said birdbath every once in a while? And finally, she eats shoots and leaves, or if you believe in the Oxford comma, and living in Oxford Ohio, who doesn’t? She could eat, shoots, and leaves, meaning she eats, pulls out her firearm and discharges it and then exits. Either way, she ended her visit by chasing away a curious fawn (maybe hers,,maybe not, ) followed up by a romp in the neighbor’s yard. July 21, 2023 Going Deep     Well, well. “It’s a deep subject” Ed Bellamy would inevitably say. Moving right along, I recently had my kitchen deep cleaned, which meant parts of the room  saw a wet cloth for the first time in 20 years. I’ll confess to sorta deep cleaning the rest of the house (back of closets, unreachable light fixtures, outside of windows) once in a blue moon.  It’s usually shallow cleaning, surface dusting, a swipe with the vacuum. There’s also deep learning, only for PhD candidates and fanatics who really enjoy learning the Latin names of exotic plants, or the 500 types of whatever. I suppose there is deep music, learning the symphonic parts of a Bach composition as opposed to humming along to a favorite commercial.  La,la,la. Not to mention deep sea fishing,  But let’s not get carried away.  Too much deep thinking. July 14, 2023 Crazy Times   AI? Artificial Intelligence? What? My voice can be reproduced exactly? It’s bad enough that we have  telephones and tv’s that can think.  A radio that tells you when a package has arrived, or that it’s going to rain today.  And now we have to speed up a baseball game with a pitcher’s clock? Isn’t life fast enough? I sing a song that describes a milkman (now extinct} and a mailman (soon to be replaced by e mail and text).  I have a watch that is a Dick Tracy watch come to life. I can answer the phone by talking to my wrist. Stop!  Just stop.  This is not progress. This is insanity.j July 7, 2023 Being Real Fourth of July family festival was somewhat frantic, always fun.   The basketball hoop was declared unfixable and relegated to the rubbish.  So the basketball was replaced with the Frisbee, probably permanently.  It’s pretty hard to damage a plastic disc. There was a lot of food, the usual corn hole tournament, lots of catching up and watching Kelley playing mandolin and singing at a bluegrass jam.  My take away is how authentic and inclusive everyone is, {I think it might be a Midwest thing} especially the musicians.  They urged anyone who could play or sing to “Come on up”!  It’s so refreshing.  I didn’t watch the news for four days. And the final report on the birdbath? It got fixed! The Fourth. American as Apple Pie. Over the Fourth of July weekend we’re having a mini-family reunion.  Twenty-two kids, grandkids, aunts and uncles from all over the country will congregate for food, fun and games. So I’m, hoping out of all these people, someone will be able to straighten up the bird bath and rehang the basketball hoop which they broke the last time they were here.  Other than that, let the festivities begin! Stay tuned.  Next week will reveal bird bath and basketball hoop results. June 23, 2023 Summertime, and the livin’ is easy   No hats, gloves, scarves and boots!  Just step outside and enjoy that beautiful weather.  And the multiple parking spaces.  And breeze through Dunkin Donuts with no waiting line.  Enjoy the outdoor movies in the park.  The Snazzy Boutique musicales in the side yard.  The Shademakers profusion of color and variety of flowers lining the sidewalk.  The uptown park, lively with picnickers and kids jumping around the splash fountains. The farmers markets, overflowing with fresh produce.  The lightening bugs.  The long days. Yes!  Enjoy! June 16, 2023 The Total Picture My youngest grandchild just turned 21 and my brother will be 90 in the fall. As I try to reconcile these facts, the doe appears in the back yard, limping and nursing an awkwardly bent leg.  She has three good ones, so she’ll probably be okay. After reading and being totally enthralled with Stephen King’s novel, 11/22/63, my long term memory brings up the picture of a tall, smart, flat-chested teenager (not a recipe for popularity) living in the shadow of the Kennedy’s and Marilyn Monroe. And there you have it.  LIFE. June 9, 2023 Fake, fake, fake   Have you ever seen a picture of an Indian in full headdress, smiling?  How about any formal portrait taken before 1920? Even in my own family, a group picture of three generations and there is a slight hint of a smile on most of us, although I myself have my usual anxious facial composition. Fast forward to the present.  I have seen my grandchildren’s faces totally revert to brilliant smiles when  confronted with a selfie.  Exuberant happiness on demand.  And what about all that laughter and gorgeous smiles in TV ads?  How happy we are to be buying a car! Or eating a hamburger! People are always laughing and grinning whether dining out, seeing their insurance salesman, riding bikes, running marathons, you name it. I guess it’s better than watching people cry or grieve.  There’s enough of that in the news.  But really.  Is there some happy medium?  It’s just so FAKE. June 2, 2023                                                                               Play Ball! The Reds are hot! They swept the Cubs over the Memorial Day weekend and are in 3rd place in their division, That’s good for them! My favorite memory of my Dad is his listening to the Red Sox on the radio while painting the house or hanging wall paper. And in later years we would all go to Fenway (box seats) but no matter what the score, we’d leave at the beginning of the ninth inning “to avoid the traffic” and then listen to the end of the game on the car radio. Baseball. America’s pastime. Always a fan. May 25, 2023 Insects.  No. So enters the season of green.  It seems like overnight all the leaves are flourishing and the weeds proliferating.  I have seen three insects already.  Big, black ants and a couple of little round bugs.  I know they outnumber us by the millions.  Nevertheless, we have bigger brains and have somehow managed to live in houses with all the amenities, while they live in hills of dirt and in cracks in the wall. And they are so nervy!  The ant showed up in my bathtub and this morning one ran right up the side of my coffee mug. Ugh.  I hate ants especially.  So quiet, fast, and have no respect for one’s privacy. I know birds eat millions of tons of insects a year, so go get ‘em feathered friends! May 18, 2023 Hold It! Stop!  Stop growing so fast!  Thanks to all the rain we’ve had this spring, everything that can grow is going nuts.  The grass needs a cut every week.  The weeds are way out of control.  The flowers are blooming earlier than usual.  The squirrels are larger than last year. I’m feeling overwhelmed. Even the grandchildren.  Graduating from college?  Getting high paying jobs? Buying cars?  Walking around Europe? Getting engaged?  Good Grief! May 12, 2023 Meow? The cat birds are back! A sure sign that we have turned the corner and summer is almost here.  Such a beautiful bird with that completely gray color, slightly darker head and squared off tail and a barely noticeable red patch underneath.  And what a noise!  I guess some people hear a cat’s meow, but I’ve never heard a cat sound like that – a kind of squeak, a pinched nerve, a distinctive sound so you KNOW it’s a cat bird. Welcome! May 5, 2023 Queen of Hearts.  Queen Bee.  But Queen Camilla? I’m  not completely comfortable with the idea that Camilla will become Queen Camilla.  After all, when Elizabeth became Queen, Philip did not take on the title King Philip.  In fact, he always remained Prince Philip and kept his respectful two steps behind her whenever they appeared together. Camilla can be  Queen Consort, but it appears that Charles will just happen to drop the second half of that title. And she will be anointed with all due pomp and ceremony on Saturday.  Will she get a crown? A scepter? The whole business is so undemocratic.  So un-American. Well, duh. I guess I just miss Diana who would have been a lovely Queen, a caring Mother and who wouldn’t want a Grandma like her!  April 28, 2023 Not Golden years.  Olden. Now that I find myself on the wrong side of 85, things happen.  I’m no longer called for jury duty. I cannot participate in psychological experiments and collect travel expenses.  I can’t even fill out a questionnaire (participants must be from 18 to 85).  I get helped across the street and  have groceries delivered.  Why are people driving so fast?  And when did they start mumbling?  Golden Years?  Bah! Humbug! April 21, 2023 Spring? Summer? Winter? I know everyone talks about the weather, but really, it’s been so screwy this week.  One day everyone is wearing shorts (well, everyone under 30) and the next day we have a freeze warning. Today it’s warm, this weekend, cold.  And the vegetation is simply exploding.  My pathetic array of lily-of-the-valley has multiplied and is now covering the little garden with lush green leaves and outsized flowers. I’m not complaining.  It’s just so unexpected this early. April 14, 2023 The Grass is Always Greener . . . Recent reading of Wildlife magazine brought to my attention three birds found in Australia, the Phillipines or some other place on the other side of the world with names of jaw dropping cuteness; willi wagtail, the blue striped fangblenny and the ever popular blue footed booby.  So how come we have a robin, sparrow or blue jay?  How boring! April 7, 2023 The Carousel of Life Finally! A morning that is warm enough that I can throw out my usual breakfast bird buffet and then leave the door open.  How wonderful to hear the cardinals and robins sing, the squirrels chatter and the starlings squeak and kinda talk among themselves. “Summer is a comin in.  I can feel it, by gum!” March 31, 2023 At Your Service   Over the past few weeks I’ve had to call for help.  First shingles were falling off the roof, one by one, then in groups. So I called a roofer and they obliged (also thanks to the insurance company) but a few wind storms later long strips of metal trim began to hang off the house and roofer guy had to come back.  Mission accomplished.  Then the dryer stopped along with a load of wet laundry and I had to call an appliance repairman who referred me to an electrician.  Next came the cable box recorder that would freeze right in the middle of a Stephen Colbert’s scintillating monologue.  Cable guy arrives on schedule, fiddles around, leaves, then comes  a second time to help install a new box and smart TV.  I’m grateful for their service -- the mailman, the plumber, the lawn cutters, firemen, policemen.  Life is good and I hope they’re all getting the salary they deserve. March 24, 2023 No News is Good News The big news this week was that there was no news. I faithfully turn on CNN every day, only to hear that there is no news.  Waiting for the Grand Jury in New York to indict or not indict the former president.  Waiting for the Federal Prosecutor to move on the Mar a lago fiasco. Waiting for China to give Putin military aid in his despicable war on Ukraine.  Waiting for Winter to LET GO!  I’ll wait. March 17, 2023 Time.  A Very Illusive Subject.     I’m getting too much attention.  Just had a “winter weather alert” with all the exclamation points and red letters to inform me that there would be snow in the forecast “with little or no accumulation.” OMG.  Was that necessary? And BTW, when did a weatherman become a “meteorologist”?  Like how many meteors have been sighted or predicted?  Why don’t we call them “asteroidiologists”?  Is someone trying to make a job more important than it is?  As a matter of fact, a weatherman actually is becoming obsolete.  If I want to know anything about the weather, current temp, forecast for the next few hours, statistics , temperatures around the world, I only have to look down at the watch on my wrist.  Or I could look out the window.  At any time. And speaking of time, what time is it really?  Where did that hour go that I lost last weekend? Daylight saving?  Where is it saved? On my hard drive?  In a cloud? Rant over. March 10, 2023 From a New Yorker cartoon.  Two birds, flying, and one says to the other, “Try not to look like a balloon.” Hahaha March 3, 2023Y Yah Dee Dah   If you have a universal remote, it can be used for any TV in the universe.  Right?  Well, I have discovered a universal language/lyric that can be used for any song.  “Ya dee dah dah dee dah, or any variation.  So, when singing “The Star Spangled Banner” and you embarrassingly forget the words, just insert the universal lyric.  “The rockets red glare, the bombs dah dah dee dah.”  Or in the midst of a rousing “Happy Birthday”, “Happy Birthday to you, yah dee dah dah dee DOO.”  You can easily make it rhyme with a little ad libbing. A cautionary note.  It’s probably not a good idea to use it in church, or singing at the Metropolitan Opera or while taking an oath, like “I solemnly  swear ya dee dah dah dee dah.” February 24, 2023 Hello!  Anyone home? Remember when you had a phone you could depend on?  You knew where it was (on the wall in the kitchen), you didn’t have to charge it, or assign it a password.   When you picked it up, there was always a dial tone.  It was always working, through rain, snow, sunspots, lightening, whatever.  How many times did you have to talk to someone on the other side of the world who barely spoke English, trying to get help?  NEVER.  Sure, you had to pay for it, but did you ever even dream that it might not WORK?  oh, excuse me.  I have to answer the phone that happens to be on my wrist. Hello!  Hello!  Tap, tap.  Dick Tracy here.   Oh, just leave a message. February 17, 2023 It happens every year. In the morning recently I’ve heard the birds singing. Loudly.  Vigorously.  And yesterday I noticed some green shoots coming up from a once presumed dead plant.  Halleluia!   Spring is coming! February 10, 2023 Raise Your Hand!   In nursery school and even kindergarten, you probably felt free to speak out anytime you wanted.  But by the time you were in third grade, you learned  that in a classroom and with a teacher in charge, you had to  raise your hand and wait to be called on if you had something to say.  Unfortunately, Marjorie Taylor Greene seems to be stuck in the kindergarten level of behavior, as, at the State of the Union Address, she was heard to yell out at the President of the United States 9 times, “You’re a liar”. This is the same woman who complained on Fox News that she really doesn’t like her job because it requires her to spend too much time in Washington. As Brian Cohen said ,”I could be comatose and would have a better grasp of reality than Marjorie Taylor Greene.” Who votes for these people?  Are they listening? February 3, 2023 Questions Why do old, white men think they have the right to make American women give birth to a baby they don’t want to have? Why are people allowed to glorify the Confederate flag by waving it from their trucks, carrying it in parades, wearing it on their heads -- which is clearly an insult to African Americans? Why did the Scorpion unit of the Memphis police keep on beating Tyre Nichols, even though his hands were secured behind his back and he was on the ground? Why didn’t one of those police officers yell “Stop” and tell the beaters to desist? Why wasn’t Mr. Nichols given medical help the moment it arrived? Why was a six year old given access to a gun? Why didn’t one of the adults who knew he was carrying a gun in school not take it away from him immediately? Why are some of the January 6 rioters spending time in jail while the person who egged them on remains free and enjoying playing golf on his resort home in Florida? Why am I watching the news? January 27, 2023 Yard Saga II In the back yard he has constructed two (yes, two) pagodas, a kinda room made of four (in his case 8) columns, fastened to the ground and then covered with a fabric to protect you from the sun, rain, whathaveyou. No problem there except two of the columns are now leaning precipitously toward the hole in the fence, and the covering has untied itself and is flapping in the wind. Also in that back area is a large couch with matching chair which no one will ever sit in again, several flower pots with the remains of long dead blooms, left over building materials from projects either abandoned or still to come , and other detritus. I’m not making this up. January 20, 2023 Yard Saga   My neighbor did not have a good year.  First his century old tree blew down, damaging the house next door, ripping up his fence and pulling up an eight foot root  ball which then destroyed his patio floor which he had spent days, weeks, months, patiently setting in pave stones.  Tap tap tap, measure, level, etc. Then he took up his rifle, practicing at the new local shooting gallery. Until he shot himself in the leg while cleaning it.  Left a bullet in it and managed to pull the trigger? Then came the unseasonably cold weather and, luck would have it, his furnace failed.  So they were spending every night somewhere else, presumably warm. Three weeks later the furnace repair people show up, but they can’t fix it if they can’t get to it, so out of the basement comes pile after pile of STUFF.  Empty cat litter boxes (how many can you use?) broken screen, empty boxes, pieces of wood, rags, objects of no use, chairs, broken doors, etc. etc. Join that pile with the already laden bag of more stuff, next to innumerable ladders which he will probably never mount again (he’s graduated from a walker to a cane),hoses, tools, gasoline cans, flower pots and just plain JUNK.  So my hope for 2023 is for a strong tornado to sweep through and carry it all away. Yes. January 13, 2023 Extremely Weird   “Unprecedented,”  “never before in the history of mankind,” “last seen 200 years ago,” ”not within living memory,” etc. etc.  How many times this past year have we heard these expressions of incredulity, amazement, disbelief and awe?  It’s not just Trumpism.  It’s the bizarre behavior of politicians, the wild weather, climate change, the proliferation of guns and gun violence, the Russians, the Chinese, you name it. I guess if you live long enough, you can expect to notice extremes.  But how do you explain it all to a ten year old?  When I was ten, my parents blamed the Armenians. Who do we blame now? Ourselves? I think yes. January 6, 2023 Democracy.  Hang in there. I’m reading the report from the January 6th Select Committee and it is jaw-dropping. For months,  one man continued to promote the big lie, that he had won the election .  He was continually told that he had lost, that the courts all ruled that the election was fair and legal, there was no fraud, yet he over and over maintained the opposite.  Then on January 6 he attempted to disenfranchise 7 million Americans and disrupt the democratic process, the foundation of our country. Will he ever be held accountable? And now the debacle in the House of Representatives.  Stay tuned for that one. December 30, 2022 Merry Christmas! A little Christmas present for Latin lovers – Jingle Bells! (chorus) Tinc tinc tonc, tinc tinc tonc, Tintinnabula! Quam iucundum vehere in raeda festiva. Tinc tinc tonc, tinc tinc tonc,  Tintinnabula! Quam iucundum vehere in raeda festiva.   Per nivem currimus. In raeda festiva, Per montes eximus, Ridens omnia! In equis sonora, In animis soles In mundo omnia rident Pro tintinnabulis!  Euge! December 23, 2022 This is sick. The scene; a doctor’s office. Characters; me and a nurse Me: (making small talk) Many people here today? Nurse; Pretty busy.  Only a few sick people. Me ; (confused, to myself) Wait. This is a doctor’s office.  Isn’t everyone here supposed to be sick? December 9, 2022   When you really have nothing to say, you can always talk about the weather!   So far, some weird weather.  Almost 60 degrees in December, lots of storms and tornados from coast to coast.  We used to blame the Armenians, then the Russians, now it’s, OMG , our OWN FAULT! December 2, 2022 "Metamorphosis"  A Word For The Ages   So scrap the list of lost, beloved TV shows and drop the sophomoric musings about learning curves and the disastrous experiment with the drone.  Instead I pick up the latest translation of Ovid’s Metamorphoses, rendered by a woman for the first time in sixty years.  Her choice of words promises to reflect a historical revisionist’s view of the world and as she says, “change is all about power.”  I have three more pages before I begin, entitled “Reading Ovid Today” and I can’t wait to be able to relate Putin and Trump and Ovid’s 500 pages of elegiac couplets reflecting change in mythology, escape from abusive relationships and change in politics, especially the government in Rome from a republic to the Augustan principate.  Two thousand years and we’ve gotten nowhere? November 24, 2022 Busy day.  Much to be thankful for.  Happy Thanksgiving! November 18, 2022 No, I don’t know the password. Not for the first time am I overwhelmed by technology.  Luckily I found a person who is astoundingly adept and for $100 came into my home, crawled under the desk, unplugged a useless router, discarded three of those dust catching cords, cleaned up the computer, did something to the laptop so it will print on command and generally restored my faith in humanity.  I appreciate all the advantages that being online brings, but sometimes I just wish we were back with the old telephone, the friendly operator,  the black and white TV with its three stations, etc. etc.  But we’re not, so ONWARD! November 11, 2022 America is great again! My  election day take away is simply that the system worked!  Democracy lives! At least some of the crazies were rejected and a sober, reasoning citizenry voted them out of the picture.  What a welcome relief to have no contested results, honest, polite concessions and some interesting races as yet to be completed.  Proud to be an American. November 4, 2022 Conspiracy So the squirrel says to the deer, “I’ll chew on her cable wire so she can’t get on the internet.”  And the deer says to the raccoon, “I’m going to poop on her front sidewalk.”  The raccoon, not to be outdone, says to the hornet,”I will get my feet  wet and dirty and then walk all over the front of her car.” The hornet decides to hide in her upstairs bathroom and when she’s taking a shower and her head is all soapy he flies out and bites her on the leg. All chuckle evilly. October 28, 2022 Monday Night Quarterback   I just finished CONFIDENCE MAN by Maggie Haberman, a well written description of Donald Trump’s persona as he moved from being a real estate developer to a politician and how consistent he was and is with his self aggrandizement and total disregard for the truth. Just so unfit to be president. At the same time I caught the Monday night football game with the Chicago Bears and a refreshing interview with  Barack Obama, always addressed as Mr. President and always pleasant, relaxed and an obviously  very happy man. What a relief that he was president and I’m sorry he isn’t anymore. October 21, 2022 BURY ME NOT . . . Today I watched a squirrel bury a walnut in a flower pot.  It’s a large pot and he used the walnut to dig deep down almost to the bottom.  When he came back up the walnut was gone and he then spent some time with his little paws covering the spot with extra dirt and a sprinkle of dead leaves.  Which led to a few moments thinking about burying and how in the yard next door my neighbor buried his dog and we actually buried Big Kitty over by our fence. And of course we had Butler, the dog, who once buried a cupcake. But that’s a whole other story. October 14, 2022 Sound of silence     You hear it when the furnace stops running on a cold winter day. When the train rumbles through town, blowing its horn and rattling the rails.  Then total , sudden silence as it derails. In the halls of the high school, usually resounding with teen age exuberance, loud talk, locker doors banging.  The day after a popular teacher was killed in a car wreck, just so weirdly subdued and quiet.  I’ll never forget it. The sound of silence.  Deafening. October 7, 2022 Is It Really Bliss? So what did we do in the days without Google?  Actually grab a dictionary and look up a word?  Complete the Sunday Times Crossword puzzle without cheating? And who can complain when you have the Mayo Clinic to answer all your medical questions? Ignorance is no longer an excuse for anything..  Oh, wait.  I forgot all those Republicans who daily make fools of themselves by showing their, yes, you have it, IGNORANCE. September 30, 2022 Oh Goodness Me!                 In spite of the evilness of Putin, the unfortunate hurricane Ian and the chicanery of Republicans, goodness survives, thanks to the late Mary Oliver. Of Goodness How good That the clouds travel, as they do, Like the long dresses of the angels Of our imagination. Or gather in storm masses, then break With their gifts of replenishment, And how good That the trees shelter the patient birds In their thick leaves, And how good that in the field The next morning Red bird frolics again his throat full of song. And how good That the dark ponds, refreshed, Are holding the white cups of the lilies So that each is an eye that can look upward, And how good that the little blue-winged teal Comes paddling among them, as cheerful as ever, And so on, and so on.     September 16, 2022 The Cardinal  (not the cleric in a red robe, not the professional athlete) I wanted to write about how beautiful the cardinal looks in the winter against the snow and how many artistic renderings, paint, photograph, whatever, there are in this world of that image.  Until I came across the Mary Oliver (RIP) poem “Red Bird” and I realized she has said it perfectly.   Red bird came all winter Firing up the landscape As nothing else could. Of course I love the sparrows Those dun-colored darlings So hungry and so many. I am a God-fearing feeder of birds. I know He has many children, Not all of them bold in spirit. Still, for whatever reason – Perhaps because the winter is so long And the sky so black-blue, Or perhaps because the heart narrows As often as it opens – I am grateful That red bird comes all winter Firing  up the landscape As nothing else can do. September 9, 2022 A Voice from the Past Last week I heard for the first time the lyrics to “My Baby’s Gone” written in 1910 by Hazel Marie Houser. Hold back the rushing minutes Make the wind lie still Don’t let the moonlight shine Across the lonely hill Dry all the raindrops and hold Back the sun My world has ended, my baby’s gone.    Three thousand years ago, Homer wrote in the 23rd book of The Odyssey how Athena, watching the reunion of Odysseus and his wife Penelope, separated for ten years, literally “held back the sun” by holding back the horses that drew the chariot bearing the sun, and thus delaying Dawn. What keeps me going, through all the craziness of the modern world, is that one idea,  image, or  conceit, in this case “hold back the sun”,  can endure for three thousand years, and with any luck,  will last another three thousand.   So be it.   September 2, 2022 Is there a doctor in the house? When we came to town in 1964 there were two practicing doctors.  Sometimes the waiting room was crowded, but no big deal.  Today there are 27 (at least) including acupuncturists, addiction counselors,  anesthesiologists, audiologists, cardiac electrophysiologists, family therapists, gastroenterologists, group therapists, midwives, nuclear medicine specialists, pediatricians, radiologists, rheumatologists, opthamologists, and many others I haven’t thought of like allergists, pain management or orthopedists. How do we account for this? Are we that much sicker?  It’s not that the population has grown proportionately.   Are we too educated? Are we so self-absorbed that we need a specialist for every little health problem? Or is it that we are victims of Medicare/Socialized medicine? It probably doesn’t matter.  I’m grateful that our relatively small town has such extensive medical coverage. There seems to be a new storefront related to health care opening in every block, every mall, every corner. Rehabs, referrals, or just plain exercise. Stop!  Just go take a walk, breathe deeply and reward yourself with a big scoop of Graeter’s ice cream. August 26, 2022 Once more, with feeling. So where’s the manual on how to grow old gracefully or otherwise? Where’s the Do-it-yourself book?  Is there an App?  Almost nothing.  I find myself Googling my way through old age.  Arthritis, cataracts, you name it, Google will help.  Am I complaining?  Of course.  That’s one of the privileges of senior living.  Am I basically enjoying the sudden abundance of free time? The bottomless bank account? The fantastic grandchildren? You betcha! August 19, 2022 Word Choice/Choice Words   I just saw a clip of Beto O’Rourke speaking at a campaign rally (he’s running for Governor of Texas) and he was  railing against assault weapons and describing passionately the recent massacre of school children when someone in the audience was heckling and laughing at him, and I don’t remember the exact words but his retort ended with “you mother-----!”  Instant, spontaneous , standing ovation. I’m quite sure that if I had to choose between someone who says “malarkey” and another who says “mother-----“ I will choose the latter because it’s the 21st century, we need someone young in leadership positions and I’ll bet there are more voters who will relate to “mother----“ than “malarkey,” August 12, 2022 Fall Invasion Imagine a piece of real estate, one square mile, with a couple hundred permanent residents, a main street going down the middle with a court house, church, police station, fire station, library, countless take out restaurants of many nationalities  and numerous apartment buildings.  At one end there’s major construction of a half block four story building surrounded by pickup trucks, vans, fences and warning signs that the sidewalk is closed. Now add to this, in one weekend, fifteen thousand (that’s thousand with a th) twenty-year-olds, all in their cars loaded with boxes of clothes, electronic devices, six packs of beer, skate boards, checkbooks and plastic.  Conspicuously absent are broom and dust pan (what’s that?),vacuum cleaner or snow shovel. I’m moving to Kentucky. August 5, 2022 OLDING Remember George Costanza? From Seinfeld?  He once described himself as “not bald.  Bald-ING!”  Well, I’m not old.  Just old-ING. (I know I’ve written about this before but I can’t remember when). haha  Olding.  I’ve never done this before and as far as I can tell, I only get one chance to do it right. Olding.  When newsprint gets smaller.  People drive faster.  Weathermen talk too fast.  Doctors, lawyers, dentists, so YOUNG!  People open doors for you and help you across the street. And just when you think you know everything, they come up with a new version. Olding.  I’m going to enjoy it while I can.  There’s no looking back. July 29, 2022 Every vote counts.   Herschel Walker, a former professional football player, will be running on the Republican ticket for the United States Senate seat from Georgia.  This is the man who describes climate change as China’s bad air floating over to America and replacing our good air. He also said, when asked what he would do about the gun violence that resulted in the Uvalde school massacre, “What I  I like to do is see it and stuff.” If anyone is thinking of voting for this man who would be legislating policy for the whole country, please think again. OMG.  Think of the consequences. July 22, 2022 And the future?   Well, I don’t know what the future will bring for the Orangeman, but my hope is that from these Jan. 6 Select Committee hearings will come an indictment, trial and eventual conviction of at least a felony so that he will never be able to run for federal office again. I’m ambivalent as to whether he should go to jail (after all, Martha Stewart did for far less serious crimes) because I hate to see the American people put through more divisive times. If only he would just pick up and move to another country.  Peru. Siberia.  Please. July 15, 2022 and the livin’ is easy . . . As I sit on my front porch swing, without turning my head I can see the fire truck parked in the back of the firehouse, the flag fluttering on Spring Street, the roof of the Lane Public Library, TJ Max (the only store in town that sells underwear AND lamps). Kroger, Snazzy Boutique featuring used clothing from all over the world and the Garden Center which is currently ablaze with colorful mums and fall flowers. A recent arrival to town once said, “This is a place where you can get anything you want within a five minute drive.” When I’m sitting at the back of the house, I am visited along with my morning coffee by the village doe, the groundhog that lives under the step, two chipmunks, six squirrels of various ages, the blue jay, cardinal, sparrows, starlings, robins, crested titmouse and mourning doves.   Summertime. July 8, 2022 Moving On What a lovely morning! Temperature just right for sitting next to the open sliding glass door, sipping my coffee (a whole other story involving a malfunctioning coffee maker, and replacement delivered to my front porch within four hours by  the Amazon wizard) listening to the song birds, the chattering squirrels, scurrying chipmunks, the beep beep of a working vehicle, the hammering of someone on a roof and uh oh, there goes the fire truck!  Life goes on and hope springs eternal.  The Trumpers are losing election battles all over the country, people feel free to protest discrimination and the Wisconsin Attorney General came out and said “Ban assault weapons”.  I like to think the ship of state is righting itself.  July 1, 2022 Older, not especially wiser Just a thought on getting old.  I learned to drive with a stick shift and to type on a manual typewriter   I know what “malarkey” is.  I’m beginning to see things that aren’t there, and not see things that are there.  It’s not my vision.  It’s my brain, because I hear things that aren’t here (like my clock that chimed for 30 years) and not hear things that are.   President Biden fell off his bike that had stopped (why is he riding at age 79?).  Queen Elizabeth is finally using a cane at 96.  Nancy Pelosi is 82.  It’s time for them all to retire. June 24, 2022 A Scary Thought   There’s a ride at King’s Island that is so wild and crazy that the people who work in the accompanying gift shop stand by with vomit bags when the riders get off and file through.  Let’s face it. There are rides whose sole purpose is to make you scream with fear.  Haunted houses are successful if you come out shaking with terror.  What I don’t get is why anyone would pay money to be frightened, when you can be just as scared by watching the January 6 Select Committee hearings and watch   a President of the United States attempt to change the outcome of a legitimate election and encourage a mindless mob to destroy our democracy. It’s also scary to think someone voted for him and, good grief, what if he runs again? June 17, 2022 Thoughts, Prayers, …Oh never mind.   Such a prolific spring!  Giant dandelions, weeds overrunning the front bushes, bird nests appearing in never before seen places, not one but four chipmunks (two larger, two smaller) and yesterday two robins having a boistrous good time in the bird bath together.  If only all this happiness could be transferred into the hearts of legislators in Washington and they could pass a ban the assault weapons bill.  Stop! Think! Please! June 10, 2022 Perfect? I just ordered (Amazon point, click, slide to buy) a new notebook, a Mead, praised by Roger Angell “They take ink perfectly”.  This will be the latest  in a long series of writing receptacles, one being a moleskin, used by Hemingway.  This futile attempt to find the best product is mirrored in my also recent purchase of yet another vacuum cleaner.  Over 65 years I’ve had big ones, small ones, uprights, canisters, cordless brooms, one strapped on my back but so heavy I couldn’t get out of the chair. This one is really IT!  Cordless, lightweight, with two attachments and able to be dismantled into a handheld dust buster.  I think I’ve found it!   June 3, 2022 Maybe. May!  What a crazy month!  I remember the days when I was teaching and suddenly you had banquets, end of the year grades and reports, graduations,  birthdays, Mothers Day, Memorial Day, don’t forget to plant your garden and, this year especially, watch the rain fall OFTEN and then go after those weeds!  What a life!  It’s not boring. May 27, 2022 Three Deer Say It All I forget her exact words, but at some point Alexa nicely asked me if I would rate my recent shopping experience.  I replied, just as nicely and without swearing, that it was “none of her business.” She then said she wouldn’t ask me again “for a while.”  What is this?  I’m talking more to this round thing on the table than to my children. And she seems to have feelings.  At least she gets it that perhaps she is not welcome EVERY  DAY. Life can be overwhelming in this modern world:  Republicans, the massacre in Texas, Ted Cruz saying “guns don’t kill people, people kill people”.  What an idiot. And then  three deer quietly walk into the back yard, munch on the new ivy leaves,  lie down and take a nap.  That’s better. May 20, 2022 Get Out There and Get to Work! Thanks to a rainy spring, what used to be my back yard has now become my back , um, um, crazy green foliage pit.  The ivy, which was transplanted there to be a ground cover has burgeoned into a three foot tall mass of roots, leaves and occasional flower that is so thick I can’t walk through it without assistance. A dandelion hid in a corner of the house and emerged last week as a four foot tall aggressive weed.  One climbing ivy has attacked the back door and threatens to come into the kitchen.  The area, which is small and can best be described as one hundredth of an acre wood has seen so far this year a opossum, a skunk, several neighborhood cats, a doe, innumerable birds , the aforementioned chipmunk family and last week a ground hog. So my mission involves a weed wacker, a chain saw and a shovel.  Good luck with this one.   May 13, 2022 Reason and Sanity Redux   As President Biden famously said, “After four years of plague and two years of Covid-19, we’re back!”  So spring has returned with a vengeance this year.  Not only is everything super green, but the wildlife is  especially diverse and active.  Saw the first goldfinch today.  And the highlight of my afternoon was after I had been singing next to the open door for a while, I stopped and, surprise, there’s a chorus of bird song in the back yard.  Wonderful. The cardinals are building a nest in the boxwood right next to the house and the chipmunks have appeared.  Four of them, two parents and two younger ones. I’ve never seen more than two and even then they never appeared together.  So here we have the whole family with the little ones running back and forth  and just so darn cute.  Mother Nature Reigns! May 6, 2022 Who’s in charge here?  Oh, white men.   News from the Supreme Court is simply appalling. Overturning Roe vs. Wade!   Just as bad is the action of the Republican majority in the Ohio legislature.  After a federal judge ruled that the current voting districts have been unlawfully created to favor Republicans, and created a commission and a deadline (this Friday) to come up with a new district map, the members have stalled for two years and now the time ends and the judge will be forced to accept the original district. What blarney.  What hypocrisy!  I’m voting Democratic for the rest of my life. April 29, 2022 Spring In So Many Words   My own words are failing to describe the glory of this spring, so I give you Mary Oliver. Children, It’s Spring And this is the lady Whom everyone loves, Ms. Violet In her purple gown Or, on special occasions, A dress the color Of sunlight.  She sits In the mossy weeds and waits To be noticed. She loves dampness. She loves attention. She loves especially to be picked by careful fingers, young fingers, entranced by what has happened to the world. We, the older ones, Call it Spring, And we have been through it many times. But there is still nothing Like the children bringing home Such happiness In their small hands. April 22, 2022 Small Town News   Our local police department spends a majority of its time escorting drunk college students back to their dorm, issuing parking tickets and following complaints about loud parties. So imagine the excitement when one day they have an armed robbery and a kidnapping! With the same person!  A man has a fight over some platinum teeth. He pulls a gun and forces the other guy to drive him to his apartment in town (hence the kidnapping). More altercation and the police are called.  And a SWAT team.  And the EMT complete with flashing lights and sirens.  Finally after several hours the teeth are returned and one man arrested. Questions remain.  Platinum teeth?  Whose teeth? A SWAT team?  Stay tuned.  I’m sure there will be a follow up. April 15, 2022 Imagine That!   By now everyone has seen or heard Julian Lennon singing his Dad’s song “Imagine.”  But it’s worth your while to read the lyrics, because, in light of all the horror in this world, the war in Ukraine, the gun violence here at home,  they reflect what everyone­­ -- liberal, conservative, right wing, left wing, QAnoner, hippie, crazy, sane-- hopes the future will become.   Imagine there’s no heaven It’s easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today. Imagine there’s no countries It isn’t hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion too. Imagine all the people Living life in peace You may say I’m a dreamer But I’m not the only one I hope someday you’ll join us And the world will be as one. Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed or hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world You may say I’m a dreamer But I’m not the only one I hope someday you’ll join us And the world will live as one.   April 8, 2022 And the Winner is . . .                 Just for fun I watched the debate between the  Republican candidates running to take Rob Portman’s Senate seat.  Two of them never lost the opportunity to mention “Trump”, like this was some badge of honor.  Never mind that they have hitched their star to a thief, a chronic liar, a treasonous, democracy smashing thug.  They’re proud.  The third debater, a business man,  looks good in his tv ads but was clearly out of his depth.  He had to keep consulting his notes for his OPENING STATEMENT!  The other two were interesting.  One, J.D. Vance, the author, was clearly the most articulate and the other is already in Congress. Stay tuned for the result. April 1, 2022 HOW OLD AM I? In fact, I’m so old that the man who was president when I was in high school,  Harry Truman, was a veteran of WWI, yes, the FIRST World War, the War to End All Wars .  He was a commander of an artillery battalion in France, when  they still used horses to pull the caissons.  In fact, I’m so old my mother told me about going to town in the horse and buggy, drawing water from the well and how she took the train to Boston and HER mother warned her about white slavers who kidnapped young women. And now computers.  Cell phones.  Facial recognition and watches you can talk to.  Stop.  Just stop. March 25, 2022 Older and Wiser   As I approach yet another birthday I wanted to write something about old age, but it seems it’s all been said and done, beginning with Cicero, 2000 years ago and after all, who was he to talk, who died at the age of 61, assassinated because he said something politically incorrect. Old age.  It’s better than the alternative. March 18, 2022 Spring Into Action . . . Not Spring!  Welcome! I’m hopeful that the student boys next door have moved their party somewhere else.  They had a tree stump and an axe and frequent contests involving throwing the axe, counting, yelling and drinking beer. No problem there!  So I see it’s been all cleaned up and hope fervently they don’t come back. The electric skateboarders are out in force also.  Today he sped by while eating something. And to make spring in Oxford memorable, this week saw Green Beer Day.  Get your pitcher of green beer for $4 and start the . . . fun? March 11, 2022 Bad News, Good News.   What is happening in Ukraine is simply horrendous.  How can Putin and his generals sleep at night, knowing the misery, despair and just plain evil they are perpetuating every day? They will eventually be accountable , whether in this world or the next. And BTW, some good news.   The lilies are up! March 4, 2022 WWIII? Thomas Friedman in last Sunday’s New York Times calls the latest fracas “World War Wired”.  Exactly.  When the Russians bomb the Ukrainian radio tower  with the purpose of disrupting all communication, American Elon Musk helicopters in Starlink terminals  so internet service is immediately restored.  Russian financial assets are frozen with one key stroke. Pictures from satellites and  everyone’s phones go viral around the world.  Money and aid come pouring in electronically. Putin is going to be very sorry. February 25, 2022 Electric Everything So I see this young man going up Elm Street on his skateboard, but his feet are NOT MOVING!  And he’s going at least 20 mph, no seat belt, no helmet, no eye protection.    Later he comes back down, at an even  faster clip, in the middle of the street.  I google “electric skateboard” and sure enough, it’s a thing and possibly the transportation of the future.  No parking problems, no filling up at the gas station, no storage garage.  Just stop, flip it up, attach it to your backpack and you’re good to go.  They’re a little pricey but lots cheaper than a car. Nothing like living in a college town to catch a sniff of what’s to come.. February 18, 2022 The Choice is Yours   Three possible topics for this week; a. Why does every cat respond to “Here, kitty kitty” even though his name is Arthur or Fluffy? b. The origin of the word “cocktail”.  Hint – the  rear end of a rooster, a particular treatment of a horse’s tail, the French word for eggcup.  It’s complicated.  Google it. c.  Why metereologists exaggerate or mislead. Example – “winter storm warning for the next 12 hours” followed by “little or no accumulation expected.” Really,  It happened. February 11, 2022 TANKS BUT NO TANKS   I see on the news pictures of Russian WWII tanks rumbling across snow covered fields presumably headed for Ukraine.  What are they going to do once they get there?  Shoot people? Run them over? Wake up, Putin.  This is not 1945. We have remote controlled drones.  Satellites.  No one is afraid of a tank.  In fact, one was recently brought into a neighborhood park as a museum piece and kids got to climb all over it for fun. So put on a shirt, Putin, and get with the program.  No tanks. February 4, 2022 Education or Football.  Hmmm. Mob mentality.  I see it in the behavior of people at those political rallies we are still hearing about, a year after FPG  (Former President Grump) was voted out.  They wear tee shirts that spread lies and nod and applaud when FPG spews hate and false statements. On a happier note, I see mob mentality when a professional sports team wins a game and mobs of fans, whether congregated in a sports bar or  gathered in a neighborhood living room, all go crazy, jumping up and down, hugging, yelling, good grief!  It’s just a game, folks, and should we be closing down schools in order to . . . WHAT? January 28, 2022 Disillusioned … again Another blow to my Disney colored bubble of reality! (I’m still reeling from the fact that “Edelweiss” is not the Austrian national song or that the folk dance in “Sound of Music” was made in Hollywood).  So now I find out that “Bambi” was originally written by Felix Salten, a man more well known in his time for salacious pornography ,and the first version  had not only the mother gunned down as well as the infamous forest fire, it had sweet little Thumper losing his foot in a bloody trap. His other stories featured a sparrow that hurls itself to death against a windowpane and a dog stabbed to death. Oh well.  What’s next?  The seven dwarfs were really marching off to work as part of a chain gang? Cinderella a courtesan in disguise?  Stay tuned for the next bubble burster. January 21, 2022 Bumps In The Road A little distracted this week, with daughter (third grade teacher faithfully masked) testing positive for Covid 19 Omicron, thankfully vaxxed, boosted and still symptomatic plus 18000 students coming back into town this weekend each with a car, cell phone, and varying degrees of maturity and ability to drive sensibly. So Hang On Self! Warm weather is on its way! January 14, 2022 Problems Solved   If you’re concerned that FPT (former president Trump) might run for president again and (God forbid) win, let the Department of Justice convict him of leading an insurrection against the government (we all saw him do it) and then the 14th amendment would kick in and forbid him from ever holding office again. If the name “Washington Redskins” is offensive to you, then let’s just change the mascot logo to a red skinned peanut or a red onion. January 7, 2022 Murmur what? I remember now -- what I like about winter --  Christmas, gingerbread men, wrapping presents, opening presents, all the candy and moose munch, and especially the view from my couch when I can at last see beyond the trees in the back yard.  With all the leaves down, what a sight! The bright blue sky, the birds in full view and today I saw for the second time  this week, a murmuration of starlings, or maybe sparrows.  They were up so high I couldn’t make out the shape, but the swirling and twisting and speed of the funnel of flapping  black wings and bodies !  Wonderful. And BTW, murmuration comes from, of all things, the Latin, murmurare which means . . . wait for it . . . to murmur. December 24, 2021 Seasons Greeting A few days before Christmas and I’m still celebrating Thanksgiving; giving thanks for vaccinations, for a burgeoning family who are all healthy, for cell phones, for Zoom, for Harry and David who are keeping me supplied with apples and pears, for a president who cares, for Liz Cheney who is showing what courage and morality is, and for global warming that is keeping my electric bill down and my (albeit short term)  spirits up. Merry Christmas to all!  December 17, 2021 The Emperor’s New Clothes   So the Emperor, who was a very vain man, was flattered when the crooked tailors sold him some imaginary  clothes that would show how very wise he was.  They offered him a coat that only a very rich man could wear, and a shirt because he was so attractive to women.  “You’ll be able to kiss anyone!” they said, and the Emperor believed them. But when he went out on November 4, some of the people didn’t see the clothes which of course were fake, and one group of voters yelled, “The Emperor doesn’t have any clothes!” and so the Emperor had to leave his White Castle and go back home and the crooked tailors went to jail. Moral; Don’t believe everything you hear, especially from a vain emperor. December 10, 2021 Music, the universal healer Midst all the craziness of the last 18 months, the pandemic, the anti-vaxers, Trump’s criminal behavior, the guns, the violence, the do nothings in Congress, there is, in a remote corner of Southwest Ohio, a group of older, white haired, white men and women who meet every Thursday to sit in a Senior Center building, sip coffee and snacks and listen to a half dozen white men sing out some rigorous blue grass music. Strumming, picking, plucking and slapping, their guitars, bass, banjo and mandolin fill the room with heartfelt music, and nothing is more real and uplifting than their devotion to rhythm, harmony and melody. Thank you, unnamed blue grass band. You are inspiring. December 3, 2021 THE GREAT ICE CUBE TRAY SAGA    I had plastic ice cube trays that flipped out the cubes with a twist of the wrist.  Unfortunately, after a year of twisting and bending  the plastic ripped and split and the cubes failed to eject.  So on the theory that our past inventions are really better than the newfangled devices, I bought two of the metal trays with the pull up handles. Well, not really, because after a week of struggling with stubborn trays that 1, were smaller than the plastic ones, and 2, the handles broke off,  I gave up and bought 4  newer plastic ice cube trays that come with covers, a really good idea, and OMG, a “users manual.”  I kid you not.  On a piece of paper that was folded to look like a little book but was really just one piece pf paper with 4 steps.  Fill the tray, put it in the fridge, give it a twist when done and push the cube out.  In four languages. What really gets me is that my Apple watch came with NO INSTRUCTIONS.  Nada.  Zip. November 26, 2021 HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL! November 19, 2021 Autumn, It’s Here!   At this point only a few trees are left with leaves.  Fall has been pretty late this year.  With all the negative news happening, people yelling at each other, shooting, police brutality and just plain stupidity running rampant, it’s refreshing to read from Mary Oliver. New and Selected Poems, volume two, “Song for Autumn” In the deep fall      Don’t you imagine the leaves think how Comfortable it will be to touch      The earth instead of the Nothingness of air and the endless      Freshets of wind? And don’t you think The trees themselves, especially those with mossy,      Warm caves, begin to think Of the birds that will come – six, a dozen – to sleep      Inside their bodies? November 12, 2021 Help!  I’m Falling!  The world seems to be all sixes and sevens ( a 14th century term used in dice games to show disarray and perplexing situations). What has beFALLen us?  The pandemic, killing innocent people oF ALL nationalities,   a president who refuses to acknowledge his political downFALL and seems to lead an insurrection oF ALL his FALLowers with impunity.  An eighteen year old boy who shoots a protestor in Wisconsin and appears on the stand to be such a caring, thoughtful young man, as iF ALL he  wanted was  to administer first aid.  All those black men who are shot by the police while being pulled over for minor traffic infractions. And now my neighbor is building a one family residence in his back yard. Stop the world! I want to FALL off!   Never mind.  I’ll just watch the sparrows eat their bread crumbs, the squirrels drink from the bird bath, and best oF ALL , watch  the leaves FALL.  BeautiFALL! November 5, 2021 In memory of Mary Oliver 1936-2019   Reading Mary Oliver again, she never disappoints, I discover the delights of eating honey locust blossoms and seeds (I’d do it if I knew what a honey locust looked like) and she ends the poem with a timeless observation; “So it is If the heart has devoted itself to love, there is Not a single inch of emptiness.  Gladness gleams All the way to the grave. “ Amen, Mary. RIP October 29, 2021 SAP, as in “Don’t be one” Point of clarification;  an acronym is a word formed by the first letters of a series of words, sometimes a title, a name of a group, organization, but it must be able to be pronounced as it is spelled.  So OMG is NOT an acronym, while NASA is.  OMG is an abbreviation, at best.  Most acronyms are used as nouns. I bring this up because I think I’m seeing more and more of these shortcuts.   At the rate we’re going, it won’t be long before we are communicating by acronyms only.  No need for those antiquated grammar rules any more! Who cares about “i before e except after c” ?  Sentence fragments will be a thing of the past.  Puncuation? Commas?  The Oxford comma? Fuggetaboutit.  Awol, Snap, NASA, Snafu, Unicef, and on and on. Next time you listen to the news, watch for those acronyms. AWARE! Add to that, SAP. When my sports channel began to have all the announcers speaking Spanish, I tried to change the setting by going to “language” and clicking on “English” but that didn’t work.  To make a long story short, I finally Googled it and was told to work my way to SAP through “Audio” and fixed it that way, without ever mentioning “language.” So SAP, Secondary Audio Program, of course. October 15, 2021 Backyard Drama The scene; my couch, close to the open door looking out on back yard, right next to student rental back yard.  I’m reveling in the beautiful late afternoon warm sun, blue skies, green leaves, brisk breeze, birds flitting from birdbath to finch feeder  and general beauty of life. The players; me on the couch, several young men milling about their back yard, talking louder than normal because, after all, they’re in a house without benefit of PARENTS. The action; bringing empty dumpsters up from the curb,  loud banging of said  dumpsters, throwing dumpsters around , obvious slapping the empty bins Them: Yew!  Gross! (gagging sounds, fake retching, ) Yuck! Sudden smell of disinfectant. I turn on my light.  Instant quiet. Gagging ceases. Talking becomes quieter. Really quiet. Then noise, boys, gone. And there you have it guys, the fun part of living on your own, picking up your own dumpsters, probably  complete with worms and maggots as well. End of scene.  I return to the blue skies, warm sun, green leaves, peaceful fall reverie. October 8, 2021 BOO!   I have to confess I’m a scaredy-cat. This time of year brings out the image of the black cat, with arched back, hair standing on end and hissing at the world.   That’s me, all right,  afraid of snakes, ants, unreasonable people like Trumpsters, destruction of the planet from climate change and Republicans in general, just to name a few. So this is why I hate Halloween, a season now, not just a one day holiday, but weeks of ghouls, vampires, monsters, haunted houses and all things scary.  Why people pay good money to be frightened (and more money is spent on Halloween than any other holiday even Christmas) is beyond me.  Life is scary enough as it is. October 1, 2021 (originally 10/6/2011) Indian Summer.  Keep it.        Before I start wallowing in a big mea culpa, spurred on by my guilt at being an insensitive white person, calling this beautiful fall weather “Indian Summer”, I googled it and as usual found more than I want to know.  Let’s just say there are Indian wars, a lot of metereological talk and people have been saying “Indian Summer” for 200 years, casting no aspersions on Native Americans.  Growing up in New England many years ago, however, we always called it “Indian Summer” because it would be short lived and Mother Nature would be taking it back, like the gift from the “Indian Giver”. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?  Squanto didn’t demand his gift of corn back from the Pilgrims that first winter when they all would have died but for his generosity. So we can keep “Indian Summer” but forget “Indian Giver.”  Some political correctness is a good thing. September 24, 2021 What Has  Befallen? Fall.  A lovely season.  I find myself looking forward to seeing the blue sky out my back yard.  I’ve had a complete green canopy all summer.  And I can hear the train, but finally I’ll be able to see it.   I love the fall colors especially  when the green carpet in  the  yard is replaced with red,  orange and brown layers of leaves.  Alas, all those leaves will have to be raked.  Not looking forward to the snow covered slippery steps or dragging the rubbish barrels over the icy driveway either.  My old bones and muscles doth protest the onset of cold temperatures.   Get out the hat and mittens!  Wait!   Hold it!  I’m not looking forward to this at all! September 17, 2021 Oh, Deer!   There are three deer (at least) that wander at will through the Streets of Oxford.  They come to my backyard, nibble the hostas, chew on ivy shoots, drink from the bird bath and, like yesterday, lie down, settle in, and take a nap.  I hope I’m not alone in being delighted at their presence.  And may I deer say, they are probably very effective at keeping the speeding traffic to a minimum, better than speed limit signs, flashing pedestrian crossing lights or that annoying and useless divider on High Street.  For who doesn’t hit the brake when three deer calmly cross the street in front of your car, or slow down just to gawk at the deer appearing silently from behind the bank? Keep up the good work!  You Go Girls!! September 9, 2021 In A Word What’s with the Netflix series with one word titles?  The Crown.  Now, The Chair.  I can think of several titles for a  Netflix series based on my current life; The Retirement.  The House.  The Car.  The Microwave. The Checkbook.  The Library, The Couch.  Yeah!  This is The Life. August 27, 2021 Left to my own devices   When I was growing up in the 1940’s, we had one device.  It was called a “radio.”   Every Saturday night we would gather around and listen to “The Lone Ranger” (my favorite), “Amos and Andy” or “The Green Hornet.” A few years later we got another device, a 14” black and white TV.  It was a family Christmas present and when we got the rabbit ears antennae adjusted it came on with a choir singing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” and it was so beautiful Mum and I cried. Fast forward to this week  when my internet connection failed and I called the Spectrum tech man and his first question was “Are all your devices not connected to the internet, or is it just one?”  I am nonplussed.  How did he know I had more than one device? Furthermore, his question suggests that everyone has more than one internet device.  (I happen to have four.) He had me all fixed in a very short time and I am still in awe that it could be done and also that internet devices are so prolific.  But then, I’ve come a long way, baby. August 20, 2021 How to have fun. First step; be a man, a real , bona fide man, not a wimpy trans or wannabe, and prove that by sporting a big, bushy beard. Second, get a vehicle, preferably a pick up truck and fill it with men just like you.  Then give them a flag and drive around yelling in your masculine voices, threatening violence. “Hang Mike Pence!”  “Death to Americans!” Then get out of your vehicle and storm the building, the embassy, the airport, whatever by running wildly and waving your arms. Then .. .  well, there really isn’t a plan.  So just go home and have supper. August 13, 2021 Sexism!  It’s Everywhere! Isn’t it time we addressed the fact  that, at least in the Olympics, the women’s teams come before the men’s, as if to say, let’s put the most important team last so we can wait with bated breath for the best in the sport? One answer would be to alternate the order, one year men play before women, the next time the women play before the men. Of course, as things are going, soon there will be no “women’s” or “men’s” because all teams will be mixed genders.  So how can we distinguish one team from another?  Not a or b, because that still implies a is first and therefore better.  Not 1 or 2, again because some order is noted.  I guess we’ll have to take a cue from the school busses that have names like squirrel or chipmunk, or robin and blue jay.  Go for the gold, Team Blackbird! August 6, 2021 See. Saw.   So I just bought a saw (Amazon, click, swipe and it will arrive tomorrow delivered to my front door and Alexa will tell me when it arrives).  I know, I know, if you walk into my garage you will see at least three hand saws as well as two (yes, two) chain saws plus a key hole saw I haven’t used in years.  I also have there a pile of sticks, lumber and dead boughs that are too big to be broken on my knee and too small for the chain saw.  And I saw a video on AOL of a saw cutting branches and small trees and WOW! That’s exactly what I could use! So there you have it.  July 30, 2021 Defining Moments Here it is, the last week of July and suffering through the summer doldrums, a period best known at sea  as a lack of movement due to no wind.  According to Professor Google, “doldrum” comes from a combination of “dull” and “tantrum” and  is characterized by a whimsical nothingness. And we are coming up to the dog days of August, a similar phenomenon of hot, motionless days, and having nothing to do with the four legged family pet, but actually named for the star Sirius (meaning “shining” in Greek) the alpha star of the constellation Canis Major (aha! Here’s the dog part) Big Dog because the Romans thought that that particular group of stars looked like a dog, just like the Big Dipper looks like a bear.  Right. July 23, 2021 A Nicety I recently overheard a young father say to his seven year old son, “That’s not nice.”  I don’t even know what he was referring to, but he said it in a matter of fact way, not threatening or angrily or yelling.  Just “not nice.” Now “nice” can mean “pleasant, agreeable” as in “What a nice day” or it can mean “fine, subtle” as in “That’s a nice distinction”.  But I think that the boy, and certainly his father, meant it to mean “acceptable, or proper.”  And I was impressed that the child was being given some kind of moral boundary, some compass, some  limits and I’ll bet that the boy will grow up to be an admirable citizen, and valued member of society.  I’ll also bet that our former president was never told that something was not nice.  It appears he always got what he wanted no matter who or what was in his way. So it’s no surprise that he is not considered to be a nice man.  July 16, 2021 Wireless, wordless, anything but  stressless Have I complained recently about how complicated life has become?  There used to be two choices; either “push” or “pull”  or if you wanted “on” or “off”, you flipped  the switch “up” or “down.” Not any more.  Now you have the decision “right click or left click: or “double click.” Or “click and hold”, or “swipe up” or “down” or “to the left” or “to the right”, not to mention all those inscrutable and wordless buttons; little faces that mock your intelligence, arrows pointing to god knows where, rows of dots, single letters signifying anything.  And don’t even think about unplugging, wait ten seconds and then replug.  It’s ALREADY UNPLUGGED! July 9, 2021 Oh my, how times have changed!   My annual wellness visit to the doctor went off without a hitch.  Really,  I could have told her I was well without going to all that trouble.  But, oh WELL.  I grew up in the days when you only called the doctor when you were sick.  And I remember as a child, our Dr. Burgoyne would come to our house, up the stairs to my room, sit beside the bed, open his big black bag, take out his stethoscope and do his doctor things, which usually involved setting up two glasses of water, teaspoons and instructions to take a spoonful of each every hour.  We were so busy following instructions that before you knew it, I was all better! BTW, when we came to town in 1964, there were two doctors, Goldey and Princell. Now there are two pages of doctors in the phone book (oh gee, I do have a phone book) and some kind of clinic on every street corner. Progress?  July 2, 2021 Depend On It!   The Fourth of July.  Pretty much a low level holiday for me.  I’m not a fan of loud noises or explosive anythings, I’ve never thought that in order to be patriotic you had to display an American flag, I would never wear red, white and blue all at the same time and I’m too old to march in a parade.  One thing you can say in favor of the holiday, though.   Unlike President’s Day, Thanksgiving, or Easter, you can be sure of the date and can count on it happening on the FOURTH of JULY.. June 25, 2021 Weather or Not   We always talk about the weather but I don’t think I have ever written about it.  But today it’s 48 degrees outside and the last week of June.  For heaven’s sake. It’s bad enough that my house and yard have been covered with cicadas for the past month and now cicada bodies, but cold?  The high today will be 70 if I’m lucky. Can we blame Putin for this? Or even better, Trump? My vegan friends maintain that if we stopped eating meat the climate would improve.  Or according to the naturalists, stop using chemicals and only use vinegar for cleaning.  Farmers!  No pesticides or artificial fertilizers!  Ditch the plastic bags and plastic forks.  Promote bamboo! Please do something.  I’m freezing. June 18, 2021 Socialism.  So What? Have to go to doctor for an annual “wellness” visit,  because Medicare won’t pay unless  I go every year.  Had to accept crutches even though I no longer needed them.  Thanks Medicare.  My mother was urged to get a bag for her walker.  It’s free!  Covered by the government. Medicare is paying for all the free vaccines. Truly grateful for that. Emily makes more money collecting unemployment than if she were working. Wait! Isn’t this Socialism? June 11, 2021 The Cicada Shuffle It involves a sudden, two handed batting of your head, a series of obscenities followed by a run for cover; your car, your house, the nearest space free from those bugs. Yuck.  These are not your lazy, days of summer.  Every day it’s sweeping  the dead cicada bodies off the sidewalk, clearing the door lintel before you leave the house so you can get to your car without cicadas in your hair, on your clothes, under your feet. I know they’re harmless. But still. June 4, 2021 The Pet Perfect                   I always thought I had the perfect pet.  Nutsy the squirrel.  He’s no bother, takes care of himself, seems to have eternal life, and has no discernible needs that I can see.   But behold! There’s an even better pet out there.  The robotic cat.  Sits in your lap, purrs, blinks and doesn’t ask to go out, in or anywhere.  No trips to the vet, no litter box to clean, no cat food, no  messy cat food dish , or scratching furniture.  Wow.  I’ll take one. May 28, 2021 Bird Bath Saga It’s a plain white plastic bird bath with a hollow pedestal which I filled with gravel to stabilize it.  I placed it in the back yard, right next to a slender sapling which the birds used as a springboard or just a place to wait their turn or to peruse the quality of the water.  But after a year of constant filling, cleaning and picking it up off the ground where the larger animals had turned it over, I decided to move it closer to the sidewalk so I could get to it without fear of tripping on the myriad vines and debris that were on the path. Of course, now it’s ten feet closer to the house and wouldn’t you think it would be a little less popular?  Surprise.  It’s more popular than ever.  The robin (who always bathes alone) comes daily, the cardinal and blue jay each drink regularly and the sparrows (who come in groups) are having a high time drinking, swimming and just splashing to their heart’s content. The best surprise is that it hasn’t been knocked over once!  No sapling to lean against, no array of rocks and logs at its base to keep it upright, it just stays in place.  The irony is I moved it so I could get to it easily and so of course I really haven’t had to touch it at all. So my life concern and source of pleasure is the simple bird bath. I’m truly blessed. May 21, 2021 WATCH OUT! My daughters gave me an Apple watch for Mothers’ Day.  It came in a box that was practically glued shut, and once opened contained the watch, a charging cord and NOTHING ELSE!  No set up directions, no guarantee, no warnings, no help at all.  Luckily my daughter had a watch  herself, so she knew how to charge it and some basic things but was pretty lost otherwise as this was a new, improved version.  New, improved, meaning there are almost no words, captions, or verbal directions of any sort.  Instead there are little pictures that could mean just about anything.  A little blue drop of water?  What? A bed? Luckily Grandson Jack was available and got me synched with my phone.  Google has the answer to everything. The title of this blog should be Mind Boggle II.  This little square thing on my wrist measures, feels, keeps track, talks, listens, sings, rings, and if I fall, will call 911.  I’m still exploring the possibilities. May 14, 2021 Boggle the mind. I recently discovered that a man whom I’ve known ever since we came to Oxford years ago, just had his 97th birthday.  O.M.G.  He’s only three years away from being 100.  He and I grew up on a manual typewriter (push the key down, up pops the metal arm with the inked letter head, press onto the paper, fall  back down) and the dial telephone (stick your finger in the hole, push the dial all the way around, finger out, let it return and beware of phone numbers with multiple nines. You’ll be waiting til the cows come home to get done). The point? Tempus fugit. May 7, 2021 Are We There Yet?   I just finished reading “Tell Them What You Want” by Laverne Merritt-Gordon, a disturbing account of being Black in this country .  She entered Talawanda High School in 1960.   We came to Oxford in 1964 so I just missed being there when she was there. She became pregnant her junior year and was forced to leave school, but remarkably came back a year later, graduated and went on to get a college degree from Miami and then a Masters.  I don’t know why I was surprised at the prejudice this girl encountered, because I remember hearing, when we first arrived,  that the city pool had just recently been open to all Oxford citizens, even though the Black townies did not make use of it anyway. I guess we have made some progress in the past 50 years.  We can safely say the Ku Klux Klan is probably gone underground for good and Barak Obama opened the political doors for persons of color, not to mention all the Congressmen and women who have broken barriers.  But still.  George Floyd? April 30, 2021 Ants.  They’re Awful.   Ugh.  Ants. The big, black ones are especially abundant this year.  The thing is, they are so QUIET.  No warning whistle, no predatory hiss.  Not a peep.  They just appear on the arm of my chair or worse, scamper up my leg.                 Today, after I smacked it off my arm and sent it sailing toward the other side of the room, it had the nerve to recover and follow me to the computer desk. I guess it figured, since I hadn’t outright killed him the first time, perhaps we could be friends.                 Sorry buddy.  Krushed with a Kleenex. April 23, 2021 Cause for Optimism   After four years of watching the president dismantle the previous administration’s accomplishments, spend much of his time trying to get re-elected and then playing golf, what a refreshing change in the White House! Here’s a true patriot, leading the world in attacking climate change, joining other countries to stop the pandemic , just paying attention to the myriad of problems facing the modern world. And what a relief the outcome of the trial in Minneapolis was!  Finally justice from the judicial system! I remain cautiously optimistic that some systemic change for racial discrimination and police brutality is in the works.   April 16, 2021                 Reading “Four Lost Cities”, an interesting account of Catalhoyuk (never heard of it in Turkey), Pompeii (been there), Angkor Wat (somewhere in Southeast Asia) and Cahokia, a prehistoric serpent mound probably a religious settlement in Missouri who practiced human sacrifice (gasp).  How barbaric!  But wait!  What about Joan of Arc? All those Christian martyrs? The so called witches of Salem?  Do we think lynchings of black men is civilized behavior? Sadly, some things never change. April 9, 2021 Spring has sprung!  I’m sure I say this every spring, but WOW, it is such a lovely time of year! The tulips are especially bright, the forsythia  fulsome and the grass so lush.  What a privilege to sit by the open door and listen to those birds singing their hearts out!   And it certainly adds to the optimistic feeling to get my tax refund along with the stimulus check!  Yeah Democrats! April 2, 2021 Sounds of Silence   Things you think but don’t say; “You expect me to believe that?” “What an idiot!” “You call yourself a Christian?” “I’ve seen/heard/watched this before, ad nauseam.” March 26, 2021 Try, try again   Right after the tragedy at Sandy Hook, President Obama ordered an inquiry into gun control and put in charge, of all people, his Vice President Joe Biden! And within 33 days VP Biden had completed his work and put out a manifesto consisting of 23 actions that could be done to help curb gun violence. And of course nothing came of it because Republicans were in charge of congress. So here we are again. The reassuring thing is that Biden is now President and has a commanding knowledge of what can be done. So VP Harris, go get ‘em! Maybe this time, at least background checks on ALL purchases and an assault weapons ban. March 19, 2021 Spring!  Bah!  Humbug!   With emphasis on BUG.  Lots of them. Little round ones, big flying ones and anticipating the arrival of millions of cicadas, all waking up after 17 years and loudly calling for a mate. And humbug to days of interminable rain, leading to the tracking in of mud on my clean floors.  And boo, thumbs down to Daylight Saving Time.  Who ever thought that would be a good thing? Big government messing with our lives once again. Spring brings tax forms, not to mention another birthday and thus another year to my rapidly approaching old age. Oh well.  At least we’re done with icy sidewalks, high heating bills and Green Beer Day.  Now, on to summer! March 12, 2021 Mom’s Mysteries   Water on the basement floor.  I understand after a rain, but in a dry spell?  Just popping up? Animals in the basement. Down the chimney? Raccoons? Mice? Through  a vent? Animals in the bedroom.  Bats.  Been there, done that.  Mice?  Chewing on paper? Rustling in the waste basket? Neighbor’s spotlight aimed at my bedroom window.  Motion sensored?  Timed to stay on 30 seconds?  Triggered by the wind? Stray cat? Possum? Alexa, who refuses to speak to me any more.  Instead just blinks blue and green except for a few hours at night. On a timer? Life. March 5, 2021 MEMORIES Reading a biography of Mike Nichols, I enjoy the description of the first Nichols-May performance.  What a hit they were and, Hey! I was there at the Blue Angel nightclub in New York.  What a place.  A narrow, more like a hall, with small tables and benches along the sides.  Drinks only and probably high prices but what the heck! It was 1957 and we weren’t married quite and he was trying to impress me I’m sure and it worked.  And we always remembered the piece called “The Teenagers” in which Nichols is trying to persuade May to “go all the way” and it ends with his saying “I’ll respect you SO MUCH.!” A classic catch phrase for sure. February 26, 2021 Old Age! Let’s Do It! Being eighty.  I love it.  Old enough to be helped across the street, young enough to drive, to Zoom with your kids, to eat and drink at will and receive those pay checks every month without lifting a finger!  Who said old age was no fun?  I get to watch Congressional hearings in the middle of the day, to scroll to my heart’s content on Facebook, to shop on Amazon and revel in those grandkids who are coming up with absolutely wonderful and rewarding careers! Joy! February 19, 2021 Well, that’s the last time (February 5) I speak in praise of the mild winter.  Along comes  a double whammy of snow, leaving me with a foot of snow and rubbish barrels buried at the curb.   I guess life could deal me with much worse things to complain about.  After all, the house is nicely warm, the fire is crackling and the internet is on.  Yeah. February 12,2021 The Tale of Two Lawyers   Of course I’m watching the trial in the senate, and can’t help but compare the two sets of lawyers.  Nine versus two (maybe more by now) for starters.  Then the House side guys were well prepared and spoke from  papers in three ring binders.   Trump’s lawyer, whose specialty is personal injury (didn’t we call them “ambulance chasers”?) spoke from notes  on a legal yellow pad.  Obviously a first draft. With the whole world watching, wouldn’t you want to edit, revise or at least have someone look it over? February 5, 2021 Global Warming Strikes Again   “In the bleak midwinter frosty winds doth moan/Earth stood still as iron, water like a stone”. NOT.  I haven’t seen 3 inches of snow or single digit temperatures for several years.  I miss watching my student neighbors trying to dig out their cars using brooms, cafeteria trays or bare hands.  This week we had 2 inches which quickly washed away in 35 degree weather and a day of rain. And a historical note; Christ probably was not born in December.  “The shepherds watched their flocks by night” because it was too hot to go out during the day.  The real Christmas should be celebrated when the weather is warmer. Another tradition shattered. January 29, 2021 Life is Full of Mystery/Problems Mystery/Problems?  Major? Minor? The plastic ice cube tray (okay, a minor problem) is not working.  What is there to work?  It’s a solid piece of plastic, no rips or tears.   Either it twists and the cube pops out or not.  Not? A second tray seems to work every time.  So the old one is not working.  Solution? Get a metal one with the handle. Mystery #2. Major.  How can any reasonable, thinking person still believe that President Biden stole the election?  That he didn’t win the popular vote as well as the electoral college vote fair and square? And why should Trump get away with inciting an insurrection? Does this mean any president can be immune from any crime?  Good Grief! January 22, 2021 Oh Beautiful for . . .   What a beautiful Inauguration day!  The colors, bright purples, yellows and green in contrast to four years of red, white and blue.  The music, the masterful brass band and really remarkable horn fanfares, the poetry and presentation by the youngest poet laureate, and oh, the ethnic, religious and racial diversity, so welcome instead of the usual sea of white males. But best of all was to watch President Biden sign 17 orders to begin the overturning of all those awful deeds of the past administration; orders that would protect the Alaskan wildlife refuge, open our borders to immigrants and create a pathway to citizenship, and take the pandemic seriously to name a few.                 It’s just such a relief to have a seasoned, compassionate President.  Onward! January 15, 2021 The New Girl in Town My love/hate relationship with Alexa; Love; “find James Taylor, Gilbert and Sullivan, Easy listening” Hate; “I can’t connect with the Wifi . . . blah blah blah“ Love: “What’s the news?” Hate; “You may have run out of (product like shampoo, food). Can I order it for you?” The nerve! Trying to sell me something! January 8, 2021 A Weird Week I happen to be reading Rachel Maddow’s book Bag Man, about the fall of Spiro Agnew, just as Notmypresident is also experiencing  a spectacular and probably criminal defeat at the polls.  Although separated by 50 years and they are two very different people, their reaction is remarkably similar.  First blame the press!  It’s their fault.  Then, attack your attackers.  Funny how some things never change. Meanwhile we have had the assault on the Capitol, the mismanagement by the Capitol police, the truly criminal behavior of Notmypresident in inciting the almost all white male hoodlums, the passage of the electoral college vote and THANKFULLY The victory in Georgia that restores my confidence in the people of America.  Let’s move on! January 1, 2021 Fingers crossed that we make it to January 20. Before reading Barak Obama’s latest book (Christmas present, thanks, Em) I perused the pictures and was struck by how happy he looks.  He really enjoyed his job! Unlike the present NotmyPresident, Obama is smiling, laughing, is intensely listening to his advisors and enjoying the company of his children. He  Is pictured playing with his dog or reading quietly in a White House garden.  I’d forgotten what a normal chief executive looked like! January 20.  Get here ASAP. December 25, 2020 Merry Christmas and Happy Nw Year!  It's gotta be better than 2020! December 18, 2020 A Ray of Sunshine So I listened to the possible if confirmed Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg, describing in reasonable, detailed, admirable prose sentences what he envisioned could be done in the Biden administration; improve a crumbling infrastructure, review public transportation, advance high speed trains, just to name a few.  And then I thought, “Who is Transportation Secretary now? Oh, Elain Chau, wife of Majority leader McConnell.  And what has she done? And if anything, why haven’t we heard about it?” The mind boggles when it thinks of how little has been done for this country in the past four years and the heart rejoices to think of the possibilities for the future with competent, qualified people doing the jobs laid out in the Constitution.   Onward to Jan. 20! Good bye 2020! December 11, 2020 House Parties So the White House announces they will be having 25 Christmas parties (these are people who never go to church) and all I can think of is how the Emperor Nero supposedly fiddled while Rome burned.  PLAY ON!  And then Leave! December 4, 2020 Winter.  Live with it.   For the first time in my life I have put up the Christmas tree on Thanksgiving day.  One reason was because the kids were here to help drag it up from the basement.  But the main reason was because the coronavirus is really getting DEPRESSING!  And the weather is GRAY!  Wintery! The good news, of course, is the election and God willing, the upcoming inauguration of someone who, although too old, at least is reasonable, experienced, and fit for the job.  Yeah! November 27, 2020 Happy Thanksgiving Week!  and much to be thankful for; family, competence in the White House, deer in the back yard and food delivery !  Life is okay! November 20, 2020 Be Leave! The usual leaf quandary.  Big pile on the side of the driveway.  Lawn guy said he’d come back and  take care of it.  Not.  Drag them to the street with a shovel? Not.  Put them in bags? Not.  Leave them alone as a pseudo scientific experiment? Will they just blow away? Does herd immunity apply here?  Disintegrate in the rain and snow? I’m going with the leave and let live and hopefully die.  I.e., too lazy to tackle it.  November 13, 2020 Eleanor, a First Lady Paragon   I’m reading a biography of Eleanor Roosevelt.  Wow!   What an active first lady she was!  She inspected orphanages, visited homes for the disabled, veterans’ hospitals and many, many schools and institutions for the homeless and poor.  And she didn’t just talk to administrators.  She inspected – opened closet doors, looked under beds, walked through kitchens  -- and when she found something she didn’t like, she got it fixed. I’m up to WWII.  The day after Pearl Harbor, December 8, she got on a plane and flew to Los Angeles, with a refueling stop in Kansas, to talk to people to find out what needed to be done, how Washington could help, what kind of security would be needed to protect the West Coast from  possible Japanese invasion. She was a listener. Every potential First Lady should look at this admirable woman’s life.  What an example for us all. November 6, 2020 Defund and Replace   Defunding the police does not mean, as Trump has said, having therapists answer 911 calls. What you can do, however, is replace armed cops with unarmed traffic cops, people who are  solely responsible for all violations concerning cars.  According to an article in Sierra, 52% of people’s interactions with police come in the form of traffic stops. “If you’re going to issue a citation for a lane merge or a broken taillight or expired tags, why does it require a gun?” Good point.   October 30, 2020 Tis the Season   Mystery,  a religious rite known only to the initiated, from the Greek work “to close, shut” related to “mute” and coming to mean “unknown”. Besides the obvious mystery of why anyone would vote for Trump, my most recent mysteries include the student apartment that looks over my back yard and why it is shining bright red from both windows that I know are her bedroom’s.  Or why my Words With Friends game, which used to freeze at least once every game, has suddenly stopped freezing and is behaving normally? Or why Alexa goes on and off line at will? Should I be asking my microwave? October 23, 2020 Money Flows Like Water in Trumpland How often have we seen Not My President Trump seated behind the Resolute desk facing an array of chairs arranged in a semi circle  in front of him?  It turns out these mostly men have titles like Assistant to the President, Special Assistant to the President or Deputy Assistant to the President, and according to the author of “Melania and Me”, each one is pulling in a six figure salary. I could go on, but it’s too depressing.  The one ray of hope.  I’ve voted. October 16, 2020 Rally? Really! Just from watching a few minutes of Not My President Trump’s speech from the balcony of the White House for a Law and Order Rally, I am appalled once again at how much he denigrates and defiles the office of the presidency.  How ironic that the Law and Order Man is breaking the law by campaigning from the White House.  And he lies and lies and if it were not so terrible, it might be funny.  Among other things, he maintained  “ Biden is a socialist, well, actually, a communist!  Sleepy Joe wants your 911 call to be answered by a therapist!  Biden’s people, “THEY” are burning down your churches, looting your cities, destroying the suburbs!” But it’s not funny.  It’s dangerous, hateful and just plain wrong. October 9, 2020 Indian Summer.  Keep it.        Before I start wallowing in a big mea culpa, spurred on by my guilt at being an insensitive white person, calling this beautiful fall weather “Indian Summer”, I googled it and as usual found more than I want to know.  Let’s just say there are Indian wars, a lot of metereological talk and people have been saying “Indian Summer” for 200 years, casting no aspersions on Native Americans.  Growing up in New England many years ago, however, we always called it “Indian Summer” because it would be short lived and Mother Nature would be taking it back, like the gift from the “Indian Giver”. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?  Squanto didn’t demand his gift of corn back from the Pilgrims that first winter when they all would have died but for his generosity. So we can keep “Indian Summer” but forget “Indian Giver.”  Some political correctness is a good thing. (A rerun from 2001 but still good!) October 2, 2020 “Beautiful Stay At Home Days” For all the home schoolers out there, all the virtual reality educators, here’s one more downer.  No more snow days! No waiting for that phone call, that specially unexpected day that you are free from planning, grading papers, you can indulge in a two martini lunch, watch it snow and enjoy !  Sorry! September 25,  2020 Brrrr   One of my favorite New Yorker cartoons; a retired Floridian couple standing waist deep in the steaming fires of Hell.  The woman, hugging herself, says “I knew I should have brought a sweater.” hahahaha September 18, 2020 My Mysterious Garage To add to the adventures in the garage (which include the monkey in diapers dead on the banana seat and the man who tried to kill himself with carbon monoxide poisoning) (I’m not making this up) I can add the mystery of the lawn/leaf bag.  I went out this morning to find the contents of the paper lawn/leaf bag strewn around the garage floor and the bag itself GONE!  Stolen?  A bag worth about $1.50?  Dragged away by a wild animal  but nowhere in sight? And is it connected to the complete loss of electrical power in the garage only?  Life is too mysterious. Mystery partially solved by electrician who reports that the fuse box breaker switch has been pulled down and off.  Raccy the raccoon?  You Devil! September 11, 2020 Veritas Just when you think it can’t get any worse – the lying, the name calling, denigrating fallen veterans, the diversions, the golfing – out comes Bob Woodward’s book and the direct quote from the man himself that he deliberately down played the  severity of the colvid 19 virus.   In fact, he totally misled us all into thinking it was just like the flu and there was no need for precaution.  How many deaths could have been prevented if he had just told the truth? September 4, 2020 Bat’s Enough! Well, fine.  Never mind there’s a catastrophe sitting in the White House, a pandemic is decimating our population, Black men are being shot at an alarming rate and two hurricanes are making landfall in the South.  I have to have an encounter in my bedroom in the middle of the night with a BAT! I woke up with a vague unsettled feeling and sure enough, a black shadow passed over my head.  Never mind, I think, and go back to sleep.  Not.  Suddenly a whoosh of cool air hits my face and I hear the flippa  flippa of wings.  What?  So I get up, turn on the light, and sure enough something is flying around my bedroom.  And it’s not little. When I’m fully awake, I realize it’s probably a bat, since this has happened to me before, many years ago, but in the daylight. So I grab the only available weapon, a yardstick, and shoo the thing into the next room where it roosts in the overhead light.  I open the window, shut the door tightly and triumphantly go back to bed.  Not 5 minutes later, flippa  flippa  flippa, it’s back. This time I open my window wide, stand by the door with my yardstick, and keep batting away (sorry) until finally it finds the window and leaves.  It turns out late August is prime time for bats to get into your house, as they are young still and not too bright. They can squeeze into a space ¼” wide. So I’m hoping that’s the end of it.  But I’m sleeping with the yardstick under my bed just in case. August 28, 2020 Keep It Short!   So here’s the short version of the short evolution.  First came Bermuda shorts.  Nice modest cut above the knee.   Then shorts.  Then the skort. And now so short that they can’t get any shorter.  Or can they?  I’m sorry to have to predict that next to come will be . . . wait for it . . . the THONG!  OMG.  Say it isn’t so. August 21, 2020 Sometimes We All Need a Good Laugh A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap.  He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to her feet.    “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands indignantly. “ What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology. “You keep out of this” she yells.  “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee.” August 14, 2020 Abolish the Tic   I’ve been quietly fulminating to myself for several weeks now every time I hear someone say “Democrat party” or “Democrat city.” “ Democrat TIC “ I would yell to no one and try to explain the difference between a noun and an adjective and secretly curse the schools for not teaching old fashioned grammar. But luckily I consulted Google before I went public with my annoyance, and it turns out it is correct to use Democrat as an adjective.  It is a common grammatical use, like “shoe store” or “face mask” or “city sidewalk.” So I and other purists will continue to say “Democratic party” and “Democratic governor” but I’ll stop yelling. August 7, 2020 Out Of This World Today I watched two astronauts splash down into the Gulf of Mexico after months in space and indeed it was quite thrilling.  At the same time I thought “How is  IQ45  going to make this to be HIS triumph, how will he take credit for this achievement? “  And then I find out the program was started under Obama!  No wonder NotMyPresident never mentioned it as  tremendous or fantastic  and actually spent the day on the golf course!  Bwahahahaha. July 31, 2020 Sunday, Monday . . .   For retirees, teachers on summer break, the unemployed, the quarantined, the stay at home Moms whose kids have been out of school since March, here’s a list of the days of the week (thanks to Jay Martel in The New Yorker); Someday, Noneday, Whoseday?, Whensday?, Blursday, Whyday?,  Doesn’t matterday. Hahaha. July 24, 2020 Bird News Big, happy news for a change!  The cardinal takes a bath!  Stop thinking about a Catholic church cleric undressing and stepping into a medieval stone tub of water. Au contraire,  It’s a red bird, the official bird of Ohio, splashing happily in my freshly filled bird bath.  Nice! July 17, 2020 All In the Family According to Jonathan Mack, the author of  STRANGER AMONG SAINTS, a book about Stephen Hopkins,”” the man who came over on the Mayflower, survived Jamestown and saved Plymouth,”   there are hundreds of thousands of descendants among which I am one, duly authorized thanks to the assiduous research by Linda.  Even more astonishing, included in our little family are Dan Quayle, Norman Rockwell, Tennessee Williams Richard Gere and  O . . . . M . . . G . . . Sarah Palin. July 10, 2020 What, Me Worried?   I’m  “elderly”, still upright although somewhat unsteady and holding on to hand rails and people.  My eyesight is dimming,  I'm capable of reading but not seeing in the distance the way I used to. I drive, I drink and I just bought  a new chain saw.  So what can possibly go wrong?? July 3, 2020 Pandemonium Rules Everything is at sexes and sevens (an idiom from the 1300’s referring to a dice game).  Complete disarray.  Confusion rules.  The June bugs are just beginning to appear. Hello!  It’s July! And for the first time in 47 years, I’ll have no one at the high school in the fall.  No grandchild, no child, not me. Ooh, this will be odd.  Will I care if there’s a snow day? The Not My President is truly psychotic and the Democratic replacement is really too old. Mandy is teaching first grade remotely and reports that it’s virtually impossible.  The kids crawl under the table or just walk away for a while. The only things I can really count on is my Beefeater martini and Rachel Maddow. Oh well.  If we are still here after being at sixes and sevens since 1300, I guess we can make it to November.  Vote Blue!   June 26, 2020  Really Sad Times                                                                              In my left hand I hold the latest TIME magazine that is filled with pictures of funerals, hospital workers in PPE, families devastated by deaths and illness, while with my right hand I turn on the TV and listen to Donald Trump, leader of this country, whipping a crowd of young people into a frenzy of hate and division. Mostly white, without masks, no social distancing and crammed into a Christian church (God is Love, remember?), no less. Words fail me. June 19, 2020 Oh, Fine. According to The New Yorker, Iceland,  with a population the size of Denver, has successfully beaten the coronavirus by instant contact tracing and with no mention of masks.  They recognized the danger early in January and simply followed every case with a phone call or follow-up visit. Their death rate is far below ours.  They are finally allowing visitors into the country but with heavy restrictions.  Meanwhile the governor of Massachusetts signed an executive order requiring everyone to wear a mask when entering a store, taking a cab, or using public transit on penalty of a hefty fine.  Just sayin.    June 12, 2020 Uh . . . Uh . . .I don’t get it.   Explained at a press briefing;  as Churchill stood midst the ruins of London, bombed out by Nazi airstrikes, so not-my-president Trump wanted to stand in front of the Washington D.C. church which suffered a small fire in the basement from the protestors/Nazis as a symbol of . . . uh. . . uh .   Anyhow holding a bible, signifying uh … uh. . . . June 5, 2020 Talk Abut Nutty Not to be outdone by the protests and craziness in Minneapolis and the copy cat riots in Columbus and Cincinnati, the Oxford Police were called to the apartments on South Locust Street  by a man who shot himself in the foot.  Oh this wild and crazy town!   May 29, 2020 Shh.  Humph.   So little nervous Raccy has become a regular night visitor and last night he began grunting as he was eating.  Because I have the door open I can hear him making these sounds, perhaps happiness, perhaps just nervous reaction, but definitely not what you would expect from a raccoon. Of course I happen to know some humans who also make involuntary noises so I guess there’s no surprise here.  Hmmm. May 22, 2020 What I Really Mean . . . So he says, “I finally get to work outside” and I picture him mowing the grass, digging in the garden, washing the car, until I scroll up and see the real picture; he really means he can take his laptop out on the porch. Oh the modern world!  I have discovered virtual grocery shopping, whereby I stay on the couch, grocery list in one hand and phone in the other.  I pull up Kroger’s Shopping Website and just scroll through their complete inventory, clicking on whatever I need; fruits vegetables, meat, canned goods, you name it.  Then I add $10, request delivery within 2 hours, they have my credit card, and behold!  Ding dong! It’s all delivered to my front porch!  Now THAT’s shopping! May 15, 2020 Stop Worrying!  He’s NOT!   My latest wild animal friend is a thin, young raccoon. All I can think of is “gawky”.  I try to find the origin of “gawky” and come up with” maybe Norwegian” but probably” unknown”.  All I know is that I myself was pretty gawky as a child.  Pictures reveal skinny, knobby legs and I remember my Mother feeding me some kind of tonic called “Accesserone” that was supposed to stimulate my appetite.  I was pretty thin up until the pregnancies and then all hell broke loose. Anyhow little Raccy is not only thin but rather nervous and he darts everywhere, even up to my hand (behind the door).  Hope he’s not rabid. May 8, 2020 Those Were The Days   Can you believe that once upon a time we would have a cake and someone would blow on it and then we’d all EAT it? May 1, 2020 BLINDSIDED Except for reading THE SOMING OF AGE IN SAMOA by Margaret Meade in college and singing” Bali Hai” from SOUTH PACIFIC, I am woefully ignorant about Polynesia (don’t get me started on our pathetically provincial public school curriculum and its foreign language offerings of Spanish and French but no Arabic or Chinese).  I bring this up because Ohio is beginning to loosen up a little and will be opening medical facilities and services and tattoo (a Polynesian word that means “to prick”) parlors but not HAIR SALONS!  It’s okay to have your skin disfigured and I have to continue to struggle to keep the hair out of my eyes?  Puleeze!  Priorities! April 24, 2020 Unhappy Unbirthday or Better Luck Next Year   So during my distinctly Unmemorable  birthday week  I secretly boasted to myself that at my age I am managing to live independently and yes, I am smarter than a squirrel. Wrong! First I somehow left the car ignition switch on the “on” position , left the car in the garage for two days and consequently let the battery run down completely.  Luckily Spring Street Auto came right over and recharged it.  Then on the way out to Hueston Woods to completely charge it I ran into and over a HUGE wild turkey. Later that night I opened the glass door to throw out meat scraps for the wild animal friends and got ATTACKED by the raccoon. And then the final insult, I replaced my bird feeders with a new, “SQUIRREL PROOF” feeder that Nutsy immediately figured out and by hanging by his feet, avoided the weighted device and proceeded to decimate the bird seed. Pride goeth before a fall. April 17, 2020 Cover Up! If the federal government boasts that they have truckloads, no , airplanefuls of masks, how come we have people making masks out of diapers, tee shirts, plastic page sleeves, scarves, or whatever? Please! We have people so desperate as to offer their first born son for a filtered face protection! (just kidding). April 10, 2020 The Good Thing About All this . . .   So if you’re not sick, if you still have your job, if you’re “working” at home, here are some positives; No more 6 a.m. alarms to get you up and out the door. You can attend meetings  via Zoom and still be in your pajamas. Congregate with your friends, again via Zoom, and just leave whenever you want. Reconnect with your family. Shop from your couch.  Just “swipe left to place your order”. April 3, 2020 The Newbie A new bird came to my back yard feeders this week – a red winged blackbird.  He is as black as a crow, but smaller, about the size of a starling.  He has small yellow feathers, hardly visible, called epaulettes, on each wing.  And what is so distinguishable is the bright flash of red as he flies away.  I have often seen the red winged blackbird in the country, flying from farm fences, but never here.  I’m delighted. March 27, 2020 ?????   Things I don’t completely understand; The internet Republicans Obscure poetry Electricity Bugs March 20, 2020 Fake News Briefing   The daily coronavirus briefing starring the president, vice-president and numerous doctors and cabinet secretaries. DT: And now a few words from the chair of this committee, the vice-president. VP: (Looking directly into the camera) Thank you Mr. President, for your unprecedented leadership in this unprecedented crisis.  I thank you, no, the whole country thanks you, no, the whole world is grateful for your decisive handling of these unusual times.  And we each thank the Treasury Secretary for the thousand dollar check that we might get to boost the economy and help the stock market recover.  Your quick and decisive action, Mr. President, has led us in this fight against the Chinese virus.  DT: And now we’ll take questions if they’re not critical. Gag me with a spoon.   March 13, 2020 This is a choice? Democrats!  What are you doing?  Presenting us with a choice between a grumpy old Grampa who yells and shakes his finger at us and a kindly, old, familiar Grampa who is teetering on the brink of dementia and can’t tell the difference between his wife and his sister?  O. M. G. March 6, 2020 Out of this world The electricity goes off for literally two minutes.  All hell breaks loose.  Certain clocks start flashing RESET! RESET!  The printer clicks and clacks.  Alexa, on her own, shines green and blue and says something about reconnecting and consult your app.   Something buzzes in the kitchen and the clothes dryer just permanently stops. I know it’s not like the Nashville tornado or the coronavirus, but still it’s  my  little world turned  momentarily upside down. February 28, 2020 Hug History   When I was growing up (1940’s in New England) there were no extra-marital hugs.  In fact, there were few marital hugs (not here,  how embarrassing!) and not even household marital hugs (not in front of the children! )If it wasn’t for the sex education class in the Methodist Church Youth group, I would never have known ANYTHING!  Then as the years went on, women began air kissing and an occasional hug.  Men, not.  Please.  A vigorous handshake and elbow grasp was the manly approach. Now of course there’s no limit to our shameless show of affection.  February 21, 2020 Vive l’auteur!   Georges Simenon born in 1903, wrote 75 novels between 1931 and 1972 and I have read over forty of them.  They are being reprinted and I am forever grateful.  What a treat they are!  Here’s a detective, always smoking his pipe, stopping at a nearby bar for a brandy and solving the seemingly impossible puzzles.  No cell phone, no computer, he uses any phone that’s nearby, no private car, he walks or uses a department car and driver, he just observes people, analyses behavior and in 150 pages or fewer, does his job.  When I reach the end, I feel as if I’ve been to Paris, met these people and solved the problem.  Incredible! February 14, 2020 Going to the Dogs A bright spot in this dreary time – the Westminster Dog Show.  I love it every year.  The dogs are so beautiful, so perfectly bred, well-behaved and most importantly HAPPY!  The winners. both handler and dog are ecstatic, jumping around and joyful!  What a relief from the rest of the sordid news. Thanks, doggies! Arf! February 7, 2020 You Don’t HAVE to Center Everything. Lessons learned this week; 1. You can’t switch from using decimals to rounding up totals in your tax calculations in the middle of the program.  I did and suddenly had an income of 7 million dollars.  Had to start over. 2.  Count on Puxatawny Phil,  We’ve had a mild winter and Spring will arrive within days.  Really. 3.  Grandmas rock.  Nancy Pelosi rips up the speech delivered by that guilty, lying, poor excuse for a president, Elizabeth Warren is hanging in there and I just saw on TV a Great Grandma, age 103,  playing the piano. Boom. January 31, 2020 Well, it’s definitely not right.   Not my President Trump keeps saying, “I’ve done nothing wrong."  He summarily fired a 33 year career diplomat who served with distinction at posts that were often least desirable and when under threat of physical danger.  She made the mistake of criticizing the machinations of his personal lawyer who was actively working to find dirt on Joe Biden, Trump’s potential political rival for the 2020 election. Trump was secretly recorded at a dinner, speaking to a man at his table whom he maintains he doesn’t know, saying to him “Get her out.  Take her out.  Just do it.” That’s. Just. Plain.  Wrong. January 24, 2020 Amiss   Age is taking its toll.  Not only am I shrinking and my hair thinning, but my mind is beginning to miss a beat now and then.  If I don’t write it down, whatever it was will disappear. My e mail account is so screwed up it finally just quit.  I started another one, but I’m sure I’m missing some contacts.  I’m missing some of my favorite TV programs and I never get to the end of a football game.  The truth is, I really don’t care. Technology has made life so complicated over the past 50 years that everyone expects to miss something.   And in fact,   I never miss a text from the kids, the Sunday New York Times crossword,  or the end of a noteworthy book.  I play the piano, finish a knitting project, bake bread from scratch and whip up a mean apple pie.   Wait! What was I saying? January 17,2020 OMG, Jump!   My Facebook page was humming this morning, all about the “kitten in the tree” episode.  There was lots of hand wringing “Oh, the poor little thing, pathetically mewing”, resentment, “Why can’t the fire department rescue it?  It’s not their policy to rescue kittens?” disgust, “You’re all so silly” and friendly anger, “You’re heartless!”  All I can say is I remember our own “kitten in the tree” experience and my daughter standing under the stranded kitten holding a pillow, looking up and saying, “Jump, Snowball!  I’ll catch you!”  I don’t remember how it all ended.  I just know that 25 years later the kitten is no longer in the tree. January 10, 2020 It’s a crazy world. The Assassinator-in-chief says that the Iranian general was “a coward.”  The man had just gotten off the plane and was driving toward a meeting.  How much courage did it take to get off the golf course, pick up the phone and order the execution of someone?  How courageous to push a button and an unmanned drone flies out, seeks its target and obliterates the guy and the car beside him as well? We don’t know what the consequences will be, but we can hope that the result will be seen in the election in November. Vote Blue no matter Who! January 3, 2020 Turnover I do love January, a chance to make changes or new beginnings. Keep the Christmas wreath up for at least a month.  Replace a few pictures with something different.  New bird feeder.  Start a new knitting project.  I get to open a new daily journal with a fresh page.  I file away a year’s worth of book reviews, blog pages and check book receipts.  And this year, it’s a new DECADE!  Hoping to get rid of the orange man and his cadre of crooked cronies and replace him with possibly a WOMAN?  Oh the thought.  The hope.  2020, here we come! December 27, 2019 The last week of the decade!  Time to send out cards,  put up the tree, light the lights, candles in the windows, presents wrapped, cookies baked, family appears, gifts unwrapped, food consumed, OMG.  Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! December 20, 2019 Just the facts, sir.   I can remember when you could choose between “true” and “false.”  Not any more.  Now you have to figure out if it’s a “fact” or “alternative fact”, if what you are reading is based on truth or something made up, if there is a real person behind some information on the internet or just some robot in Russia. Nixon said “I am not a crook.”  Oh, YES YOU WERE! Trump says “I did nothing wrong.”  Oh, YES YOU DID! December 13, 2019 From Dumpty by John Lithgow   HENTSY PENTSY Hentsy Pentsy sat on a fence, The most vapid and vacant of vice presidents. A poem? Alas, at the end of the day, Quite frankly, dear reader, there’s not much to say. December 6, 2019 From Dumpty by John Lithgow   Trumpty Dumpty  wanted a wall To stir up a rabid political brawl. His Republican rivals, both feckless and stodgy, Succumbed in the end to his rank demagogy. Dumpty’s wall made no earthly sense, A boondoggle built at enormous expense. But he promised in speeches despotic and shrill, He’d make certain that Mexico footed the bill. Trumpty Dumpty kept insisting. More and more citizens started resisting. Sadly there won’t be an end to this tale, At least until reasonable people prevail. November 29, 2019 I should have majored in Home Ec   A brief moment with my calculator/phone reveals that I have been cooking for over sixty years. And talk about unprepared.  I remember standing over the sink with a knife, a bag of apples, a pie plate and a Bachelor’s Degree in classics.  Hours later I did make an apple pie, but it was just the beginning of over sixty hears of learning. So onward to rolls and salad.  Happy Thanksgiving! November 22, 2019 Who’s in charge?   Right up there with the mysterious rankings of count, viscount, duke, earl,  lord  and baron, we now have, thanks to the interminable House of Representative hearings the just as mysterious secretary, deputy, assistant, under deputy, under secretary, assistant deputy and probably the assistant assistant. The good news; they all seem to know who their boss is. November 15, 2019 Not OK, Boomer (and I’m not completely sure what that means)   OK, I’m too old to be a boomer, and certainly not a Gen X, Z or a millennial.  Perhaps my generation is “antique.”  I recently learned that some millennials cannot tell time with an analog clock, you know, the round ones with moving pointers.  They can’t write cursive and I know of one young lady who doubted that she could get back to college without her phone and GPS help, even though she has made the trip hundreds of times. What I do know is that for at least two thousand years people have  committed acts of kindness, cherished pets (one Roman matron had a pet eel and decorated it with earrings) marked off time (albeit with a sun dial) and respected the rule of law.  There have been dependable politicians,  upright judges and honest elections.  So in spite of what you hear on TV or read on Face Book, the good life goes on and honesty will prevail.  Keep the faith! November 8, 2019 Tah, tah, tah dee dah!   From the Late show.  Sing it with apologies to Frank Sinatra; Ta ta ta dee dah. Ta ta ta dee dah, DAH   Start spreading the news Trump’s leaving to day He wants  to be apart  from  it New York New York Go tell the fake news He’s longing to stray Just like he s done on every wife Uno,  dos and tres I want to wake up in a city Without a Trump And let him stay in Palm Beach At his tacky gold dump His w 2’s Are holding  the clues Of all the sleazy deals he’s cut In old New York Trump’s time now here  is gone And I hope he takes his sons And Rudy too  New York New York!       October 25, 2019 Frightening   Halloween has never been my favorite holiday.  It encourages children to beg and then to eat large amounts of candy.  I’ve never understood the pleasure some people get by being frightened.  Isn’t life scary enough without ghosts, goblins, fake ghouls, blood dripping, witches, and grotesque pumpkin heads? Not only do Americans spend almost as much money on Halloween as they do for Christmas, but now the one day holiday, October 31, All Saints Day, has turned into a two week spree of parades, mazes, haunted houses, up town businesses  trick or treat, neighborhood lights on, candy give aways,  church sponsored parties, the list goes on. If the trend continues, we’ll soon be seeing four weeks of Halloween, two days for Thanksgiving, another four to five weeks of Christmas. Bah. Boo. Humbug. October 18, 2019 Bully Pulpit   On the playground the bully will repeat an insult back, rather than attempt to supply his own epithet.  So when you say, “You’re stupid!”, he’ll just say “No, YOU’RE stupid!”  So if someone accuses him of making up “fake news”, the bully in chief just shouts “No, YOU’RE fake news!”   Or if it would seem the  not-my-president is accused of being corrupt,  he turns around and says “No, BIDEN is corrupt!” And he just did it again this week.  After losing his temper in a meeting with Nancy Pelosi, and someone accuses him of “losing it”, he turns around and says Pelosi “lost it.” Sorry, Biggest Bully Ever.  Weak.  We’re not buying it. October 11, 2019 A Toad’s Story Years ago, in the early days of our country, men would travel from town to town selling bogus medicine, snake oil, fake curatives. And part of their sales pitch would be the enlistment of a  “ toady”, short for “toad eater”.  The salesman would have his assistant eat a toad, which was (supposedly)  known to be poisonous.  Then he would apply his wondrous elixir and behold! The toady was healed!  Thus a toady has become known as someone who would do anything, often illegal or immoral, for the benefit of the man he works for. Enter our Vice President. October 4, 2019 What? We Can’t Hear You! The crickets are out and loudly rubbing their wings (not legs) together.    According to Wikipedia, they are indulging in a mating call this time of year, usually at night .  I’m reminded of the male Miami students, who seem to indulge in their own brand of mating call and feel the need to SHOUT and TALK LOUDLY when outside, whether at a party or just in their yard but almost always  in the presence of females.  Turn up the volume, men.  The women of the world are listening. September 27, 2019 Democracy at Work Just finished watching what will be known as the “Whistleblower Hearings.”  Really sad but uplifting in a way.  The Director of National Intelligence testifies that upon receiving the report, he goes to the White House to show it to the President’s lawyers and then the President himself.  Then it’s off to the Department of Justice because Att. General Barr is also named.  Nothing there!  So since democracy seems to be dead, it’s up to Congress to hang on…and they do!  Nothing spectacular except reasonable men and women, elected by the people, pursuing corruption and election interference.  More witnesses to come!  Down with the Dictator!  Up with the people! September 20, 2019 Vive la difference!  Encore! Observation while waiting for a haircut; brothers, waiting for their Dad, the older one slaps the younger on the butt. Hard.  Both laugh and joke.  Enjoyment.  I’m thinking.  Girls don’t ever do that.  We don’t hit each other and rejoice. Boys have always found pleasure in physical contact, usually  loud and violent.  Girls not. Previously noted;   Three grandchildren in the toy room, all under the age of 8.  The girls playing with dolls and clothes and legos.  The boy, the youngest,, crawls over to the fan.  Hmmm. How does this work? I f I turn this switch ,what happens? This is fun! September 6, 2019 Fall In! This has been the week of the hurricane.  Dorian dominated the headlines every day until finally it blew itself out to sea.  Much destruction in the Bahamas and some disruption for freshman granddaughter at the College of Charleston when she had to pile all her belongings high up on her bed (her dorm room is on the first floor)   before she went home .                 But beautiful fall weather here.  Temp in the 70’s, just enough rain to keep the grass green and the trees still vibrant and full. Three cheers for retirement and September!  Keep those checks coming! August 30, 2019 My Turn The signs on High Street (the main drag) say “no U turn” but  drivers frequently  insist on taking a sharp left turn to get to a parking space on the other side of the street.  Finally someone has clarified this   behavior.  That maneuver is known as a J  turn.  So either get a new sign that says “No J turn” or rewrite the law. August 23, 2019 HANGING BY A THREAD I never said I was the brightest star in the sky, but I really don’t understand what Not-My-President Trump meant when he said any Jew who voted for a Democrat was being disloyal to his country.  Does this mean ANYONE who votes Democratic is being disloyal? What is he talking about? The man is truly unhinged. August 16,2019 Boo Who? Tis the season for bringing your daughter to college and if it’s the first time, every mother I know experiences that uncontrollable weep session.  For some reason it doesn’t happen with your son, and after that freshman year, not ever again with your daughter. I guess by that time you’ve figured out that there are real advantages to having one less kid in the house, empty nesting is empty resting, or you’re saving your tears for when you see the tuition bills. August 9, 2019 Mum’s the Word I’ll NEVER get tired of summer.  Of not wearing a jacket, hat and mittens.  Of not shoveling snow or slipping on the ice.  Of battling the student traffic, fighting for a parking space or turning on the lights in the late afternoon.  Really.  I love summer.  So why do I feel just a hint of happiness when I see the plastic Halloween pumpkins popping up at the grocery store?  When it gets a little darker in the late evening?  When the naked ladies appear in the back yard and the first chrysanthemums  show up at the farm store? Okay.  I guess I’m looking forward to a change of season, after all.    Sshh!  Here comes Fall! August 2, 2019 Did You Ever? Mini family reunion on tap with corn hole tournament, Mom’s rolls, Hampton Inn breakfasts, lots of catching up with granddaughter just back from Southeast Asia and a rousing round of “Down By the Bay”! Did you ever see a pig . . . wearing a wig? Did you ever see a doe . . . reading Edgar Allen Poe? July 26, 2019 Backyard Medley   I’ll bet I’m not the only one in this world who finds solace from the ugliness in Washington by watching birds.  For an hour every morning I can sit next to my open door and watch the sparrows, starlings, blue jays, cardinals and others peck away at the breakfast buffet of bread crumbs and nuts.  My special visitor this year has been the catbird, easily distinguished by his mewing call and  smart appearance with his black cap and long, perky tail. Not to mention the squirrels and their fat, lazy cousin Mr. Groundhog, who lives under the back step and wanders around the neighborhood, unfazed by people and anyone else. It’s pleasant and peaceful.  I’ll take it.  July 19, 2019 It’s a pulpit all right and it’s not pretty.   Sickening.  Frightening. Our (not my) President just concluded an hour long campaign event, highlighting Made in America objects like boats, missile launchers and motorcycles and then a long tirade about how everything is wonderful here blah statistic, blah more statistics, all probably lies if you look at his track record.  Then more tirade against the four not totally white Congresswomen who he says they are free to leave the country if they don’t like it.  Non sequiturs, racial slurs, out of context quotes, it’s all in the bully pulpit and it’s ugly. July 12, 2019 INTERESTING FACT WEEK From Annie Dillard; “It is interesting, the debris in the air. A surprising portion of it is spider legs, and bits thereof.  Spider legs are flimsy because they are hollow.  They lack muscles; compressed air moves them.  Consequently  they snap off easily and blow about.  We inhale many hundreds of particles in each breath we take.  Air routinely carries intimate fragments of dung, carcasses, leaves  and leaf hairs, coral, coal, skin, sweat, soap, silt, pollen, algae, bacteria, spores, soot, ammonia, and spit, as well as salt crystals from ocean whitecaps, dust scraped off distant mountains, micro bits of cooled magma blown from volcanoes and microfragments  from tropical forest fires." Cough.   July 5, 2019 An Essay on Clothespins   Will necessarily be short because no one has a clothesline or a clothespin bag anymore.  Nevertheless I use a clothespin, the one with a metal hinge and two wooden parts, to hold my sandal strap together while the glue settles, for keeping the potato chip bag closed, to steady the iron railing up the front steps, to make a plain metal hangar into a pants hangar and to substitute for a book mark in an emergency.   June 28, 2019 NAME CALLING   Everybody!  Stop calling members of the Democratic party “DEMS”.  It’s another example of how not-my-president Trump influences people’s thinking.  Repeat, repeat, repeat and pretty soon everyone is saying it.  “Dems” sounds just a little reminiscent of “dumb” or “dim.”  It’s disrespectful.  Unpatriotic. Stupid.  We don’t call the Republicans “Reps.” And note that I said “Democratic”, not “Democrat”.  It’s not “the Democrat party.”  It’s “the Democratic party”. Let’s not be dragged down to the simplistic, idiosyncratic and often completely wrong level of English language usage as seen from the White House. Oh, by the way, it’s okay to call Trump “a twit.” June 21, 2019 The Silent Visitor Too much rain!  Hastas on steroids!  Ivy running amok!  Trees growing out of control!  Unfortunately the farmers are suffering.  Most have less than half the seeds in and rain predicted well into next week. Meanwhile I am visited by Bambi (sorry, wrong gender, she’s an obvious nursing mother) almost every day.  I sit next to the open sliding glass door reading intently and all of a sudden, there she is, oh so quietly picking her way around the house, sniffing out the bird feeder, sipping from the bird bath, nibbling at the new leaves and just standing and listening with those huge ears.  We have a staring contest and then off she goes, incredibly quietly for such a large animal.  No hurry.  Just walking delicately out the yard and probably back to her faun who is sleeping behind the bank. Love it. June 14, 2019 A President We CanTrust   He’s an only child, his father a doctor and mother, a secretary, brought up in a middle class, Midwestern city. Goes to Harvard and majors in history and literature.  As a Rhodes scholar, he studies analytic philosophy among other things and becomes fluent in Arabic and Norwegian. Back home he joins a consulting firm. With three others in a team, he goes to companies, collects data, does stuff with a computer program, analyzes the problems and creates solutions.  Loves political campaigns, runs for mayor himself and wins.  As mayor he similarly creates consulting teams, collects data and solves problems. He plays the piano. He reads extensively. Pete Buttigieg.  We need you in the White House. June 7, 2019 Che  sera, sera It has been remarked (by those 65 and over) that the younger generation has access to any and all information.  Just mention an unknown fact and the young person will whip out his/her phone and have the information within seconds. Need to know a news story from 1975?  Out comes the device and an almost immediate quote from a reliable source. What was the population of our city ten years ago you idly speculate.  Blah blah blah comes the data straight from the pocket phone and the nimble fingers. What does this all mean, you wonder.  To where is this all leading us? A universal dumbing down? Like we no longer know anyone’s phone number.  Or the smartest generation ever?  Stay tuned. Che sera, sera. (you can look that up, too, in case you never heard Doris Day, nee Kappelhoff, singing “Whatever will be, will be). May 24, 2019 Just Another Day   Just when I have the feeling that life is slowing down . . . “Natalie H” appears on an orange in Connecticut. A Mother’s Day package arrives in the mail. Jack’s baseball season has begun and I hurry to access Game Changer on my phone. I finished “Where The Crawdads Sing” and am left breathless at the end. Not-my-president Trump has a melt-down in the Rose Garden. May 17, 2019 Oh No You Don’t! Backyard action around the food scrap on the ground for the opossum.  The neighborhood cat approaches, sees me keeping watch, abruptly turns and hightails away.   Which reminds me of my teacher life time when girls used to smoke in the rest room.  So the teachers whose rooms  were nearby would take turns, inbetween classes, and just go in and stand by the door. The girls would rush in, OOPS, then rush out.  Or take a cursory poke at their hair in the mirror and then rush out.  Mission accomplished! May 10, 2019 Hey!  Come Back! “Aleksa!  Aleksa!”  I’m yelling at the now silent cylindrical tube which proceeds to pulsate purple rings. Grrr.  I consult my reset instructions.  Unplug and plug.  Unplug, wait 10 seconds, plug.  Nothing. I consult the app.  I scroll up, I scroll down.    I search.  I swipe. I poke, I double poke. After watching and waiting through the green rings, blue, green and blue, purple and finally ORANGE!  I run back to the app.  Nothing.  The wifi connection is supposed to appear in my phone settings,  but nothing.  So after two days of repeat moves, setting changes, phone confirmations, go forward, go back, I decide to try one last time. In desperation I pick up my phone and to avoid all this running back and forth from the phone in one room to the Echo in another, I carry it  and sit directly in front of the speaker.  And guess what?  It connects at the first try.  Maybe the two devices had to be in the same room! OMG.  I’m going to be so smart when/if I reach 90! May 3, 2019 COME AGAIN SOME OTHER DAY Rain, rain, go away.  This is more than ridiculous.  It’s not just that everything is WET, but everything is GROWING!  Here it is the first week of May and the dandelions are a foot high, the paths are completely overgrown, the lilacs are so beautiful that a strange woman came to my door asking if she could pick some, the tulips are exploding and the lilies of the valley are taking over the garden. The upside is the dead blue jay has disappeared into the ivy patch. April 26, 2019 Recent Email from Not My President; Natalie, Every year the Corrupt Media holds a total snoozefest White House Correspondents dinner where they thrive off their negativity and hatred towards me and my Administration. On April 27th, while the Liberal Elites mingle with the Corrupt Media, I’ll be holding an EPIC rally in Wisconsin with REAL AMERICAN PATRIOTS.   He goes on to invite me and my guest to have a chance to share the night and have our picture taken with him for a donation of $5.  What truly sickened me was how divisive his rhetoric is, his continual denigration of the free press (a cornerstone of  democracy) and how self absorbed he continually is (the White House dinner is all about hatred towards him and his administration). He is really unfit to be president and truly scary. April  19, 2019 HOW’S THAT AGAIN? Just to help you out with the pronunciation of the name of one of the latest candidates for President, Pete Buttigieg, Mayor of South Bend, Indiana, it kinda goes along with “butter dish.” April 12, 2019 Really Important Things I’ve Learned This Week   Rats can feel emotions.  If you rub a rat’s tummy it will squeal with happiness at a decibel level higher than we can hear but can be detected by a squeal detector.  Their ears will also turn pink. Most birds either hop or walk, but robins are one of the few species that both hop AND walk. Of course in Wisconsin robins are neither hopping or walking because it’s SNOWING!! April 4, 2019 A College Degree Doesn’t Necessarily Make You Smart The mason who was working on my brick wall was telling me how he had constructed a stoop for a college dorm and when finished put several barricades up and surrounded the area with yellow warning tape.  Then along came a college student who walked around the barricades, stepped over the tape and stepped into the still mushy 8 inches of concrete.  Then she complained that the mason wouldn’t fish out her flip flop which was sunk irretrievably into the step.  Just like the student who wanted his fake ID back from the cops in case he could use it again. You can’t make this stuff up. March 29, 2019 Words of more than two syllables   “Exonerate” means to “clear of an accusation,” “to free from blame.”  Either Mr. Trump does not understand the meaning of the word, or he did not read the direct quote from the Mueller report which said the President was NOT exonerated, especially in regard to obstructing justice.  Two more years of this? March 22, 2019 Hello!  May I Help You?                 I’m jotting down the story of my life and just realized I had forgotten that year, or was it two?, that I was a car hop.  Oh yes, complete with smart white boots, red shorts, white blouse and a jaunty red pill box hat, I worked at the Adventure Car Hop on Rte. 1 in Saugus, serving everyone traveling from Maine to Massachusetts and efficiently bringing out hamburgers for 35 cents or ice cream soda for 25 cents.  And I made good money too. March 15, 2019 Charisma!    News Flash!  Beto O’Rourke is running for president!  Yeah!  Now if he chooses Oprah as his running mate, we’ll have a winner!  Can’t wait for the debates! March 8, 2019 Enough Already!   “March came in like a lion/ a whippin up the water in the bay.” Ah, the alliteration! How I love the music in “Carousel”!  And how tired I am of this lion like weather!  Snow?  More?  Cold?  Hats and mittens? Just STOP!   March 1, 2019 HOG WILD Facts from  Ian Frazier; of all the domesticated animals, none become feral more readily, or survive better in the wild, than the hog.  In 1982, eighteen states had wild hogs.  By 1999, nine more states had reported hogs.  By 2004 wild hogs could be found in twenty-eight states and on and on .  There are currently in the United States about four million wild hogs. Hogs can detect scent coming from as far away as seven miles and from twenty five feet underground. They’ve been known to swim across open ocean as far as two miles. February 22, 2019 A Tall Tale Not-my-president Trump recently had his annual physical checkup and he’s just fine.  But thanks to Rachel Maddow’s research staff, it was noted that his height, remaining the same as last year, is probably incorrect.  He is listed as 6’2 or 3 (I can’t remember exactly), but definitely not 6’ which is what the evidence shows he probably is. Does he have to lie about everything?  After posting pictures of him next to people whose height we actually know, it is obvious that Jeb Bush (6’3”) is taller, Justin Trudeau (6’2”) also taller, and Barak Obama (6’) is just about equal.  February 15, 2019 Are We There Yet? My annual paean to Spring; the skunk,  possum and groundhog  have surfaced, the birds are singing , the snow has melted, temperature above freezing, Punxutawny  Phil did not see his shadow, my taxes are done, I’m ready! February 8, 2019 Snap! Page One.  Snap! Page Two. I read in the paper that Miami University is digitalizing as many of their archives as possible, including the yearbooks from 1896, the student newspaper and other stuff.  I wondered how that was done and accompanying the article was a picture of a student at a computer sitting next to a mounted camera that was facing an open book.  And it takes 5 hours to digitalize 240 pages.  They actually take a picture of every page. Holy smoke!  Isn’t there some other way?  Think how many man hours it will take to digitalize the Library of Congress! If we can send a man to the moon, can’t we digitalize a little more efficiently? February 1, 2019 Donald Trump’s Hell The middle seat on a commercial flight from Washington to LA. No seconds on the chocolate cake. A one hour wait in the security clearance line.  Take off your shoes and empty your pockets. Neckties that end at your belt buckle. Hair. January 25, 2019 There is no pleasure without pain. No spring without winter. Plato. Even in the dead of winter, life goes on.  The squirrel this morning was busy stripping the bark off a tree and running away with it, I guess to build a nest.  He’s not eating it, that’s for sure.  And then, hopping along as if it were April, a robin.  I know it’s warm today, 48 degrees, but a robin?  I also know that sometimes they do not migrate, so there you are. January 18, 2019 Snow White Since the first significant snowfall of the season I have  marveled how thousands of tree limbs have become studies in black and white. One night I tried to take a picture of them as they were backlit by the city lights, but the result was just not as awe inspiring as the real scene.  Snow is beautiful, especially if someone comes and shovels it for you, if it doesn’t get all dirty from traffic and if you don’t have to go out anyhow. And straight from the White House by way of Stephen Colbert, the visiting college football champs were served an elegant buffet of hamberders, chicken nergrets, felaygo fitz, frunch firs and pizzaz.  January 11, 2019 The Three R’s; Retreat, Resign, Retire.   There’s only one way out of this Trump/wall impasse; forget the wall, make a deal that you and all members of your family will never be indicted for anything, resign, retire to Florida and play golf.  Please.  January 4, 2019 Phew! It’s Hot in Here! Looking at the past three January 1 diary entries, the temperature was 30, 4 and 6, as compared to this year’s temperature of 45.  No warming trend? No climate change?  And Trump includes in his list of FAKE ACCOMPLISHMENTS several obstructions to Obama’s efforts to combat the rise of sea levels and warming temperatures.  Shame.  Bad.  Bigly wrong. December 28, 2018 A Message to our Bumbler in Chief   Quotes from Stephen Colbert; " There’s a wedge in the White House.  The simplest of tools."  All the actions from Trump this week will benefit Putin and Putin’s cronies.  No wonder Putin was happy. Please! Go to Florida and play some golf.  We’ll all feel better. December 21, 2018 Gingerbread Goofs                 Gingerbread Men.  One year they were too soft and after I hung them on the tree we would hear a gentle “plop” “plop” as one by one the bodies would disengage from the heads and gently fall to the floor.  This year I added a dollop more of molasses and a generous tsp. of ginger but oops too much baking soda so they blew up in the oven and came out delicious but looking like grossly overweight men with severe facial seizures and distorted limbs.  You’d think, after over fifty years of gingerbread men, I’d do better than that!   December 14, 2018 It’s Never Too Late to Expand Your Vocabulary   I sure love reading The New Yorker.  In one article I learned three new words; “ludic”, meaning “funny”, “twee” meaning “quaintly old fashioned” and “oneiric”, “having to do with dreams.”  Just sayin. December 7. 2018 Old? What are you talking about?   Biden for President?  I always said “too old” but under the circumstances  ,i.e. another four years of Trump, no clear winner on the Democratic side, clearly well experienced, maybe 76 is not as old as I thought.   Even though I remember that he had a habit of shooting off at the mouth,  nothing can remotely compare to our present MOUTH.  Anyone would be a relief from this orange nightmare. November 30, 2018 Pretty Useless Information   Did you know that birds can smell?  This particular talent varies from species to species, but birds with especially large olfactory bulbs , like parrots and sea birds, have greater capacity than others.  It’s not the size of the beak, in which case the pelican would win hands down, but the little organ deeper into the head…oh just Google it. November 23, 2018 Happy Thanksgiving! November 16, 2018 A Sorry Sight This morning I was asked two different times what I think is a really dumb question;  “Do you want a bag with that?” I seethed within.  Of course I want a bag.  I’m supposed to walk out of the United Dairy Farmer store grasping a loaf of bread and a bottle of milk? Or worse, walk out of the liquor store with a large bottle of gin tucked  under my arm? What’s the matter with you? Oh sorry. Being a little testy.  Someone needs a nap. And by the way.  The baby possum died.  In the garage.  Either from the cold, or something he ate, or from the effects of being stuck in my airtight garbage can for a week. More sorry. November 9, 2018 Oprobably Oplaying Oppossum   I first noticed him nosing around the breakfast bird buffet, a black furred animal, too small to be a raccoon or skunk, too large for a bird. Then one night he lifted his head and I saw the triangular opossum  white face and skinny white tail, so I assumed it was a young opossum. One day after rubbish pick up, I left the can open with a plastic bag liner in, just to air it out a bit.  That night, as I came out with the bag of daily garbage, I noticed the plastic bag had gotten bunched up at the bottom, so I reached down to readjust it and YEOW!  It’s an animal down there! Badly startled, I tipped the can over and presumed the animal would take the opportunity to exit.  Later I straightened it  up,  threw in the garbage and firmly set on the lid.  There!  That’ll keep any animals out.  Little did I suspect, that I was keeping the animal IN.                  So the week goes by, I deftly throwing the daily bag of garbage into the can, the opossum, as I now know, munching away.  Until yesterday, when it was once again put out the garbage day, and I throw in my last bag, only to see this ball of fur on the top.  Once again YEOW!  But I’m determined this time and I tip the can over.  Nothing.  So I grab a broomstick handle and start poking.  Nothing.  He’s acting dead.  Oh My God!  He’s playing possum! More aggressive poking and he refuses to move.  I finally dislodge his inert body and sure enough, once onto the garage floor he kinda moves, shakes himself awake and waddles under the car.  Waddles because he’s been stuffing himself for a week, trapped in that airless, smelly garbage can.                  So at this point I don’t know whether he’s alive or dead.  Let the story oplay itself out. November 2, 2018 Shoot Out in the Not OK Corral Not-my-president Trump suggests that the massacre in the Pittsburgh synagogue could have been prevented if the Jews had more armed guards inside. Oh, let’s see.  Two men,  each carrying a fully automatic assault rifle, shooting it out in a room filled with innocent, unarmed people. What could possibly go wrong? October 26, 2018 Halloween. Boo. Humbug. My least favorite holiday is Halloween when eating candy which has no food value and is detrimental to your teeth is encouraged.  When people spend a lot of money on stuff that is supposed to scare you; haunted houses, gory movies, dark decorations, ghoulish costumes.  Ugh.      Isn’t life frightening enough? October 19, 2018 E-MOO-tional adventure story A cow fell into the swimming pool.  I know that sounds like an opening line of a short story but it really happened.  Last week while Emily the college girl was home on fall break, and Jack the high schooler had just gotten home from school, there was a loud WHOOSH from the back yard and Jack looked out to see a cow dangling in the deep end of the pool. She was falling fast and soon only her face was above water.   He yelled for Emily, who called 911 and then shouted, “We’ve got to save her!”  So out they went and contrived to get her front legs on the ripped plastic pool cover and somehow drag her to the shallow end where she simply walked out, shook herself dry like a dog and proceeded out to the road whereby causing a traffic jam of fire truck, two police cars, and an ambulance. Sorry.  End of story. October 12, 2018 Scootergeddon   Every year in the fall, the population of my Midwestern town doubles and along with the 15000 students, come at least a thousand cars. This year the burgeoning within the square mile has been confounded by an electric scooter company, given permission by a city council which has temporarily lost its mind, to introduce to the population 100 electric scooters, soon to be 150 and then joined by a second company with 300 more.  Enabled by a driver’s license and credit card and elated by the vague and confusing rules, the  20 year olds are now flying down my street on two wheels and a GPS, without helmets or regard for anyone else on the street or sidewalk.  More to come. October 5, 2018 Vive La Difference! Recounting with friends about children, how boys and girls will be very different, and how I had three grandchildren in the “toy” room and the girls, ages 7 and 9, immediately start to play with the dolls, the picture books and other toys, while the boy, age 3, went for the fan, which was not even running. “How did it work?  What did this button do? Can I turn it on? Off?”                 Probably a universal phenomenon. September 28, 2018 How Can It Be Fake if it comes from the President’s Own mouth? OMG!  Concerning the NotMyPresident’s  90 minute news conference, where to begin?  First, Judge Kavanagh’s (nor his wife’s nor those BEAUTIFUL children’s) life is not going to be ruined because he is NOT a justice of the Supreme Court.  Then, Trump did NOT get 52% of the women’s vote.  He got 52% of WHITE women’s vote. Hillary got the majority of women’s votes. He has not been accused (falsely, of course) of sexual assault by 4 or 5 women.  It was more like 15.   The judge’s accusers, never dignified with names, just those women, or that person, are part of a CON job, orchestrated by Democrats, of course.  OMG.  He went on and on and ended the conference when someone asked, “What do you have to say to the young men of this country?” No answer. September 21, 2018 Stand up and be counted! Concerning the Supreme Court nominee, Judge Kavanaugh and the woman who has come forth with an attempted assault charge , I feel strongly that this is serious and of major importance.  Obviously this woman was emotionally affected by the incident, and even though it happened 35 years ago, it still has stayed with her.  For the guys, of course they have forgotten it.  But for the girl, it’s still there. She has passed a lie detector test and is willing to testify under oath.  And so should he.  Even bigger, the country should see and understand the Judge’s attitude toward women.  He might be voting on the life of Roe vs. Wade, and his vote on the Supreme Court  will affect every woman and girl for generations to come. Will there be enough senators who will stand up and say “no” to this nominee?  We’ll see. September 14, 2018 True Story That Must Be Told   While the student renter next door was away for the summer (lock the door and turn off all the lights), an enterprising burglar found a way in and took off with his tv and other stuff.  But the real news is that he returned a week later, even when the student was back and actually in the house talking to his insurance rep, and went back into the house with an eye out for the mini fridge and full length mirror.  The student and insurance guy, hearing the burglar enter the back door, exited the front door and went across the street and stood on the porch to see what would happen. The burglar by this time had purloined a grocery cart from Kroger’s  (I’m not making this up) because the mini fridge and mirror would not fit into his bike basket and then proceeded to load up and start up Walnut Street. Of course he was apprehended by the Oxford police (um. . .  a little conspicuous on his bike trailing a grocery cart with fridge and mirror) and according to the police report was arrested for burglary and receiving stolen property (the Kroger cart) as well as possession of drug paraphernalia (a hypodermic needle in his pocket “just in case he had a chance to do drugs”. ) The incredibly foolhardy burglar is now in the Butler County jail and maybe we are all a little safer on West Collins Street although that is debatable. September 7, 2018 Time to Act   This does seem like an endless summer.  The leaves are for the most part still green, the grass continues to grow and the heat and humidity are  insufferable.  Only the robins seem to know that winter will come and have departed south.  And now the EU is contemplating ending Daylight Saving Time.  Oh Yes!  Let’s do it!  It’s just nuts all this tampering with the clock.  End it.  I think it has to be an act of Congress.  Oh well.  Fuggedaboutit! August 24, 2018 Me in Computerland My little arrow keeps freezing up, right in the middle of my bridge game, so I run to my phone and Google “curser” “foiled again”, oh sorry, “cursor”, “freezing” “Windows 10” and several sites pop up. What follows is a trip through a series of blank walls.  I manage Control pretty easily (window plus x) and then device management, but am stymied at Mouse properties.  Nothing.  I know I’m looking for “disable hide the arrow while typing” but can’t seem to get there.  After several more blind alleys I turn it off and add a bridge game to my phone.  Go to bed.                 Next day I try again.  Zilch.  So I open the phone book (yes, that old fashioned printed thing) to “computer repair” and then try one more time, this time taking a different route (“settings” is always good) and sure enough I get through “device”  “mouse”  “properties” and after one more step that I have forgotten, Voila!  There it is!  I click it off.  Turn off the computer, wait an hour, turn it back on and Lo and Behold, the arrow is moving!                  So far.  I have learned that in the cyber world of today, nothing is very dependable. And so the saga continues.  Once again, the arrow freezes.  So I resort to my high tech, cyber smart maneuver.  I CHANGE THE BATTERIES!  OMG!  It seems to work! August 17, 2018 Awesomeness!  Is it really a word? The CBS Evening News ended with a story about a 7 year old kid who caught a fly ball at a MLB game and then gave it to a younger kid who was having a birthday.  In a subsequent interview it turns out that there had been a previous incident where the younger kid had given a fly ball to ANOTHER kid and at the end of the interview, the one kid says, “Line of awesomeness!”  Very inventive!  So I’m trying to think of another example of a “line of awesomeness” and the best I can come up with is the Rockefeller Center Rockette Chorus line! Oh I know! Every Easter in the Boston Globe  there would be a picture of this Irish family of 12 children, all dressed in similar dresses and suits, made by their industrious mother!  Line of awesomeness indeed! August 10, 2018 Simply Crazy!   Emojis are getting out of control.  Not only am I faced with what appears to be hundreds of choices of little yellow faces depicting every emotion possible, but now there’s an app that will make one for you that looks like you.  You choose eye color, hair style, etc. and voila, there you have your own little yellow face. Ridiculous. What happened to the exclamation point?  The one key that will do it all!  Sadness!  Happiness! Outrage! Surprise!  It’s right there on the top row of your keyboard.  Simplify!  August 3, 2018 Oh Gee!  My Yacht!   The Secretary of Education, Betsy Devos has ten yachts and recently she called 911 because one of them had been vandalized.  Someone had untied her yacht and let it go adrift.  That’s vandalism?  That woman is miles away from reality.  And the country’s children’s education is in her hands?  More scary. July 27, 2018 Talk About a Bad Day   What a terrible news day.  A duck boat capsizes and this woman loses her husband and  three young children. President Trump calls himself a favorite president.  Reality, sir!  And a human cannonball is shot out of his cannon, misses the safety net and lands in the crowd.  Ouch!  Tornados are running rampant across the country, a man shoots another because he was pushed down and goes scot free because of the “stand your ground” law.  Ooooh  Scary.  In Florida if you just feel threatened, not your life, but just bodily harm, you can pull out your gun and kill.  Fine. July 20, 2018 Who’s With Us and Who’s Not? In an interview with CBS news anchor Jeff Glor, not-my-president Trump said that one of his major goals was peace and stability.. Well, yes.  I so agree with that.  But then his remarks at the press conference in Helsinki were so upsetting, it’s as if he forgot his major goals.  To ignore his own government’s report on the Russian interference in the election does not rank up there with stability.  Sure, world peace will be assured if we’re friends with Kim and Putin. But what about our allies? Trump is so insecure and egotistical that he can’t stand the idea that his election might have been compromised. So he believes Putin’s assertion that he didn’t interfere over the 27 page indictment by his own prosecutor with facts and proof.   Then he nominates for a high criminal justice position a man with ties with a Russian bank. The man just isn’t temperamentally suited to be a leader of the free world. July 13, 2018 Give Us Direction!   With all the headlines of lies, unfaithfulness, perversion, corruption and illegalities, I feel an urgent need to see someone stand up and do what is right  -  to act because it is the moral thing to do, not because it’s profitable.  Free those displaced women and children who are seeking amnesty. Take them out of the holding pens and let them live here, for heavens sake.  Appoint government officials who are qualified, never mind what political party they belong to.  And remove from office anyone who will not see right from wrong, bad from good.  This country needs a moral compass, sadly lacking in our blabbermouth, egotistical president. July 6, 2018 IT’S REALLY HARD TO BELIEVE                   I recently read about an Australian man  with a suspended license who allegedly drove drunk to a police station and told them he had come to check in per the terms for his bail on an earlier drunk driving charge.  Or the Kentucky man who siphoned gas from a police car, had his girl friend take a picture and posted it on Facebook.  Needless to say the police found him and arrested him forthwith. Finally, right here in town, a Miami student was hauled into the police station for using a fake ID at a local bar, issued a citation and then released. On his way out, he asked if he could have his ID back, so he could use it again.  DUH! June 29, 2018 Confused   There’s so much going on that I don’t understand.  Why did the First Lady wear a coat that said “I don’t care” as she went on her way to show that she DID care about the immigrants being separated from their children?  Or why are the Department of Education and Labor combined?  Because teachers work hard? I guess we all know that. Where is the overlap? I sincerely hope the rational is explained. June 22, 2018 The Golden Voice   He’s such a narcissistic moron.  Can’t let a day, hour, nay, minute go by without causing attention to himself.  Right now we’re waiting with bated breath, for some kind of announcement that will stop breaking up families of illegal immigrants.  He doesn’t know what the announcement will be because it’s being written as he speaks by someone back at the White House. So wait for it.  Meanwhile he’ll conduct a meeting in which he’s surrounded by rich white guys who volunteer to speak for the press about how great a leader their man is.  Oh, sorry.  It’s not the cabinet meeting. Same thing though.                  I feel as if the country is being led blindly down a path by a bumbling fool, who makes friends with other fat guys with funny hair and who refuses to condemn the Russians who obviously meddled in our elections. He doesn’t have a derogatory nickname for Putin because, after all, Vlad  loves gold curtains as much as he does.                 So now we have to watch him criss cross the country, babbling incoherencies and lies, and basking in the adoration of huge crowds, the size of which the world has never seen, all encouraging him to blame every problem on the Democrats.  OMG, is there no stopping him?  Oh yes.  Hand him his golf clubs and get him to the golf course so we can have a few hours of blessed silence. June 15, 2018 Judgement Day                 So when I get to the Pearly Gates (and it’s getting closer and closer) and St. Peter has to decide whether to let me in ,  all the pets will line up and say, “NO”, including Stubby the mongrel with frothing mouth, Butler, the parakeet whom we taught to say “Here Kitty”, the countless gerbils, stray cats, guinea pigs and all the tropical fish whom I fried by turning the fish tank heater in the wrong direction and boiled them all to death.  Oh, Sorry!  But on the other hand, all the birds, squirrels and trees (if they have a vote) will attest to my compassion and will say, “Let Her In!” June 8, 2018 Growing Invisible.   Growing invisibly.  I never see weeds actually growing, but all of a sudden, there they are, and this year, thanks to the abundant rain and the hottest May on record, the green growth around my house is staggering.  The yucca stalks appeared overnight. Of course it’s a lot like kids.  They’re toddlers one day and then, OMG, they’re six feet tall and going off to college. June 1, 2018 Better?  More is Better? Stop updating!  Stop improving!  Stop adding options!  I like everything just the way it is now.  I can’t make up any more passwords!  I certainly can’t remember any more.  I barely remember the ones I have now.  I just spent hours waiting for an update.  Then it says I have to licence it within 9 days or it will expire.  Just spend $99 a year!  Don’t think so.  Take your updated program and go away.  Then the library shut down (electronically) for several days to add improvements.  Not so.  Instead they have added three more kinds of digital formats.   For pity sake, all I want is a book. Please.  A BOOK!  Is that so hard?  I finally find it but not without a lot of scrolling.  Life.  I’m sure this is all Trump’s fault. Oh just kidding. May 25, 2018 The New Life; Must vs. May Before retirement; Must change the diapers.  At one point  (looking back, probably an all time low) three at once. Must go to work. Must be in classroom by 7:15 a.m. After retirement; May get up or not. May go shopping if I want to. May wear shoes or stay in slippers. Wonderful. May 18. 2018 COMMENCEMENT And the grand exodus begins!  City streets are clogged with parents’ cars loading up, rent-a-trucks opening onto driveways and streets, kids making endless trips through their open doors to the curbside with lamps, mattresses, rugs, wastebaskets, boxes, bedding and trash  Graduation is Saturday and the town will slowly empty out.                 Meanwhile, the dumpster diving has commenced!  Go for it! May 11, 2018 Well, SHOOT!   At the NRA convention, not-my-President Trump suggested that if everyone carried a gun, a mass murder could be prevented.  The mind boggles at everybody shooting willy nilly, sure,  killing the perpetrator but also killing others.   Good Lord. At the same meeting, not-my-Vice president Pence said “The gun lobby is one of the most potent forces for good in this country.”  Yes, like they encourage people to use assault weapons, buy and sell guns with minimal background checks and have gun shows.  My kind of group, that’s for sure. And as for the Second Amendment – we all have the right to own a gun, just not an assault rifle. We also all have the right to own a car, just not a TANK! May 3, 2018 What’s My Job?   There’s a story in our family about the New England Film employee who was drafted in WWII and when asked his occupation, he replied “projectionist” because that’s what he did; show movies on the 16mm projector.  Well, leave it to the Navy to misname him a “pharmacist” and so he found himself in the middle of the Pacific, required to perform an appendectomy.                  I think of this because it might explain our current head of the Environmental Protection Agency who, when asked to serve by President Trump, must have heard “Environmental Destruction Agency” thus explaining his selling off parts of the national park lands, encouraging the pipe lines ravaging our country and now allowing drilling off the Massachusetts shore line.  Not to mention lowering the bar on poisonous emissions into the air, encouraging more coal mining and ignoring the drinking water disaster in Flint, Michigan. Pruitt is a disaster. April 27, 2018 First Families or How I Miss the Obamas I watched Barbara Bush’s funeral service and was impressed with  many things; her honesty, her love for her husband over 72 years, her devotion to her family and to her special interests such as illiteracy .  Time and again she was described as genuine, authentic and straightforward.  And I watched Melania Trump and wondered if she was thinking at all how different her husband’s life is compared to the Bush family. How Trump has a malicious nickname for almost anyone who questions him, how he lies so easily, how he deals with his money or treats women.  What a contrast of two families. April 20, 2018 Fuggedaboutit! Birthday Week.  And it’s been unusually cold.  Couldn’t plant my birthday tulip bulbs because it snowed!  Actually, in spite of all the warm thoughts and best wishes, it’s been a little depressing.  And Barbara Bush died on my birthday.   What a sport she was.    I think I’ll cancel the rest of the 80 birthdays and just wait for 90.  Because that can be considered OLD. April 13, 2018 Snow on grass.  Why am I surprised? It is spring, even though there is snow on the ground and the temperature hovers around freezing.  The forsythia is in full bloom, the lilies are green, the daffodils are blooming, all the regular birds are back, and this morning I woke to a huge bug skittering across the carpet.  I mean it was big, like a small horse, with at least four legs and it was galloping. Welcome new season! April 6, 2018 NOT GOING MY WAY Our latest swamp dweller, the Secretary of the Interior, is selling off parts of our National Park in Utah for oil and gas companies to develop drilling for profit, of course.  I’m sickened. Our own Oxford City is not much better, as it allows builders to erect four story structures where grass and trees once were.   Yuck!  More sacrifice of natural green growth for money. And of course they have to provide parking spaces for the new tenants, so more lawn and shrubs are destroyed so we can accommodate more cars. I think I’ll pick up my knitting and go watch the birds.  Deep breath. March 30. 2018 Once again, with feeling   The Secretary of the Interior has replaced scientists in the department with political hacks. “ The ominous pattern that is clearly being revealed is the elimination from the Government of career men of long experience and high professional competence and their replacement by political appointees.” (The New Yorker, March 26} Oh.  Wait.  They were talking about the Eisenhower administration. March 23, 2018 Really!  Let Him Play Golf! I just feel so much safer when he’s on the golf course in Mar a Lago than when he’s in the White House, looking at the red buttons on his desk, one that would fetch him a diet Coke, the other that would instigate a nuclear attack on Russia or North Korea. March 16, 2018 The Truth Hurts   Harry  S . Truman was probably, of all the modern age presidents,  the only one who didn’t have an extra marital affair.  Known as “give ‘em hell” Harry for his whistle stop train campaign style, he is famous for saying “I never gave anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.” March 9, 2018 Remember?   Writing a memoir.  Interesting experience.  The more you dwell, the more comes up!  I’m remembering stuff I’d never recall if it weren’t for the time I’m spending looking at old pictures, some 75 years old. Second world war.  Okay I confess my older brother really has a lot more than I do, but still, little stuff comes back.  Like the blimp sailing over our house toward the naval base.  Or the movie, “Kill or be killed.”   War is bad no matter what.  March 2, 2018 TO DO LIST   It’s not that tricky.  1. Ban all automatic and semiautomatic assault guns.  Illegal.  You can’t own one. Take the money you would spend on a grand military parade and offer to buy them back.  Then give them to the Defense department. They’re the only people who are making assaults. 2.  Put a highly trained resource officer in every school.. Just one, with all the high tech equipment available, surveillance cameras, smart phones, that’s all you need.  DON’T ARM TEACHERS!  For pity sake, they have enough to do.  Practice drills for them and the students are good. 3.  Stricter control of sales of all guns.  Background checks. Raise the age to 21 and have a waiting period. February 23, 2018 RAINING CATS AND DOGS   There’s so much going on in the swamp, it’s hard to keep up. The Stormy thing.  The porn star was paid 130 thousand to keep quiet, right before the campaign. The inauguration left over fund money.  Twenty six million paid to some company for nothing and the woman who owned the company got 1 million for herself. Senator Grassly sponsored a bill that made it easier for mentally ill to purchase guns.  They don’t have to be on the federal list.  Signed by the President without fanfare. The Russian indictments.  They did all that infiltration, propaganda on Facebook and Twitter without any communication with Americans?  And how come all their stuff was favorable to Trump and against Clinton and others?  Statement from the White House; NO COLLUSION.  Well, guess what.  I think we’ve figured it out that the more you say something, and the louder you say it, it probably isn’t true. February 16, 2018 See you Later, Allegator! He just doesn’t stop.  The great Allege-ator is complaining about allegations  even though, as candidate, he alleged that Obama was born in Kenya, that Hillary was so crooked she should be put in jail, that Ted Cruz’s father was in on JFK’s assassination, and even now alleges that the Clintons are allies with Russia, that the FBI cannot be trusted and lots of people in the Department of Justice are liars.  The Allegator in Chief! February 9, 2018 No Escaping Justice From the small town police blotter; A student returned to his parked car uptown, only to find a boot attached to his tire which prevented him from driving until he paid his parking fine.  Aha, he thinks. So he removes the tire and replaces it with the spare.  Drives home.  Meanwhile someone reports his action to the police who trace him down and show up at his apartment where they confiscate the stolen boot and take the kid to jail.  The moral; THINK before you steal from the POLICE!  Duh! Then on Sunday night, a 65 year old man was celebrating the Super Bowl, got drunk and drove his car into a fire truck.  Major damage to car, minor scratch on truck. You can’t make this up. February 2, 2018 Mother Miami  Uh oh.  The dreaded blank page.  Writer’s block.  The “nothing has happened this week” moment.  Except that the students are back, there are no parking places anywhere in town and there are some crazy drivers now who not only drive too fast, but text at the same time.  Kids go shopping at Kroger’s in their pajamas and according to the police report, are getting drunker than ever.  Counting the days when they all go home again.  Oh wait.  This IS their home.   January 26, 2018 Time Flies When You’re Having Fun Where did this week go?  First the bluegrass jam, then the chocolate meltdown affair, then the gallery opening for Kelley’s paintings, daily duets, a frenzy of eating out and morning cappachinos! Whew! And it’s still January? January 19, 2018 New Year’s Resolution   The last words of Buddha; “Make of yourself a light.”  Not to shine on yourself, Oh Donald Not My President, but elsewhere in the world and to do some good.  Oh, gosh.  I’d better get going.  Compared to a lot of people I know, I’m afraid I’m fallen short in the “do good” department.  So this would make a good new year’s resolution if there was any hope  that I would actually fulfill it, or for heaven’s sake, I would remember it by next week. January 12, 2018 Easy Does It!   As the years go by, so many things are easier; telephone calls (smart phones), remembering addresses and phone numbers, (contacts)  directions (GPS), keeping warm (smart thermostats), listening to music (Echo) car maintenance (computer notifications) texting (just talk). What isn’t easier?  Playing a musical instrument, making gingerbread cookies, finding the right Christmas present or cleaning out the fireplace. Life.   And, it seems, keeping track of my blog. December 29, 2017 What Holiday?   I am much more in the Thanksgiving spirit than in the Christmas celebration and the religion that Trump seems to be taking credit for.  I am very grateful for 1. my furnace that is keeping the house at 72 degrees when the high today was a toasty 11. 2. the less than an inch snowfall yet this year, when Erie PA has 5 feet of snow and more to come 3. Aleksa, who brings me any music I want with wonderful quality.  Listened to Sound of Music this afternoon.  4. my children, who rallied around for Mandy’s party, a whopping success. 5. my grandchildren, who also rallied around for the party, buying and blowing up the golden balloons, providing the 70’s music, two hours downloaded, and swept up all the confetti left by the spontaneous bursting of the balloons at the end. 6. the never ending supply of good books for my entertainment – thanks New York Times reviews, Lane Public Library, friends, kids and Face Book recommendations. December 22, 2017 The Power of Words   Maureen Dowd gets the sentence of the week award, as seen in last Sunday’s New York Times; “Every day TV anchors breathlessly report some bizarre new insult or accusation or hissy fit or Putin nuzzling by the president, as he wanders around howling in the storm like a late-stage Lear – raging, blowing, spouting, wits turning – in his White House of dark delusions.” Oh how I love those last five words.   Sad. December 15, 2017 Bull-oney   “Bully” comes from the Dutch “boele”which means “lover” or “sweetheart.”  Theodore Roosevelt first used the word “bully pulpit” to mean using a position of power to advocate for a cause.  “Bully” at that time meant   “wonderful” or “good”.  So of course now it has nothing to do with the male cow, or “bully for you”, but instead means pushing your way to the top by preying on someone weaker.  Hmm.  Just sayin. December 8, 2017 Little House NOT on the Prairie, Thank Goodness I am reading the biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of “Little House on the Prairie” and others. She lived her early life on the prairie, oddly enough, but, OMG, what a prairie.  Blizzards lasting for days, all winter long.  Here we have three inches of snow and everything shuts down.  No school, no parking, emergency!  Back in the 19th century, they had swarms of locusts that would swoop down and devour crops, clothing, small pets, anything that moved.  So don’t complain when every 17 years we have cicadas that OMG, make a lot of noise.  Laura’s family endured drought, malaria, poverty, disease and Indian attacks.  And we complain when we can’t find a parking place? Really.  Life is good.  December 1, 2017 Veritas I wanted to say something about all the lying that’s going on, especially from the Liar-in-Chief.  I always thought that lying by the president began with Nixon, but it appears that people have been lying since time began, so I’ll let others speak; Plato, fifth century B.C.  False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil. Thomas Jefferson, 1786;  He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second and third time, till at length it becomes habitual; he tells lies without attending to it, and truths without the world’s believing him.  This falsehood of the tongue leads to that of the heart, and in time depraves all its good dispositions.                 The thing is, I was brought up to believe that all lying is wrong.  But somewhere along these 80 years, things changed and for some people  it became okay to lie as long as you were not caught.  So the scenario was, you lie, and if everyone buys it, you let it go!  Wrong!  A lie is a lie.  It’s not right.  Ever. Deal with this, people, and stop all this obfuscation, this obstruction, this alternative fact stuff .  Veritas. Truth.  I want it back. November 24, 2017 Happy Thanksgiving! Incredibly grateful for family, friends and free parking spaces until the students come back. November 17, 2017 Wheelin’, Dealin’, Idealin’   Just a thought.  If deals (Trump) can bring about world peace, then okay!  Let’s do it. Get North Korea to the table and start talking.  Exchange goods and services, buy and sell, encourage commerce, not warheads. Because ideals (Obama) like honesty, integrity and morality don’t seem to be very effective.  Just sayin. November 10, 2017 Oh Shoot!   I’m not trying to be unpatriotic or disloyal to my country.  But our president just keeps on getting it wrong.  After the murders in the Texas church, he says that it’s not about guns.  Oh no, it’s about mental health.  Well, in that case, why did he rescind Obama’s order to make it harder for people with mental health problems to get guns?  And then he says, if it wasn’t for that truck driver having a gun, thousands more might have been killed.  Oh please.  The guy drives his truck after the assassin had left the church and follows him for 10 miles and then shoots him in the foot, even though the murderer actually shoots himself. Just get it right, Donald.  Please. November 3, 2017 News Gosh!  The news has gotten so disturbing, I’m afraid to turn the tv on.  Indictments, lies, guilty pleas, misstatements, finger pointing (at Hillary of course), distractions, and now another killing spree (by truck) in New York. More finger pointing (those awful immigrants) and  Trump’s Cabinet people who seem hell bent to destroy the very office to which they are appointed.  The Environmental Protection Secretary is determined to bring back coal into the atmosphere.  The Education Secretary promotes private schools and God knows what trouble Rick Perry plans to do with Energy. Good news?  Ummm. I’m trying.  Ummm.  Maybe next week. October 27, 2017 Impatient Patient   So my prescription bottle for high blood pressure pills says, “no more refills.”  Hum.  I hem and haw and finally call the doctor’s office which has a hot line for refilling prescriptions.   I leave my name there. Nothing happens.  After a few hours I call the office directly and am told everyone is busy and leave my name and problem and they’ll get back with me.  Nothing.  Nothing .  Finally, “ding, ding” message from my pharmacy, my prescription is ready.  !!! I’m a little put out.  I have managed to get my prescription filled without seeing or talking to  one human being.  Like, doesn’t anyone want to know if my blood pressure is okay? I guess this is very efficient, but hello!  Is anyone there? I’m not complaining.  I really didn’t want to go to the doctor’s office anyway.  It’s just the principle I guess. October 20, 2017 Hands Up! Touchdown! Arms raised in victory! Or the frantic two handed “T” for a time out. And we have some classic hand gestures like Trump’s “thumbs up” sign when his poll numbers are good. Or the “thumbs down” as a measure of disapproval, truly classical as it was used by Caesar to show no mercy to a hapless gladiator.  Not to mention the “thumb the nose at” or as it’s known as “the five finger salute” probably replaced nowadays by expletives and blatant bad language. I’m going nowhere with this.  It’s been a slow week. October 13, 2017 The Eyes Have It.                 Eye movements for the Trump Era; Eye roll.  Another golf weekend? Sideways look.  Is he serious? Squint.  What is he talking about? Cofeve. October 6, 2017 Polite Policy Common courtesy.  Have we forgotten all about it?  It’s when someone sneezes and you say “God Bless You.”  You don’t have to really think God will bless you, you may not even believe in God.  It certainly isn’t going to cure your ailment;  but it’s just common courtesy.     So if a funeral procession goes by, it’s just common courtesy to stand respectfully, or at least refrain from loud laughter or obscene gestures.  So it should be when the national anthem is sung.  It’s just common courtesy to stand quietly, don’t continue to laugh and play, or anything.  It doesn’t matter how you feel about the nation or its treatment of people of color or anything.  Just stand or kneel if you want, quietly until it’s over.  It won’t kill you. And BTW, Spokesperson Sanders accuses anyone who wants to talk about gun control of “politicizing” a tragedy such as the Las Vegas massacre.  It’s not politics.  It’s policy.  And now is exactly the time to talk about banning automatic weapons.  When the rat-a-tat sound of 100 rounds of bullets per minute is still echoing in our ears.  September 29, 2017 My Reverse Bucket List   Things I vow I’ll never do again; Disney World Red seats at the Reds game Wool gatherers Butler County Fair Wrestling matches Funerals   And BTW, has it ever occurred to anyone that in the 8 years of Obamacare, no one has come up with a better plan because THERE IS NO BETTER PLAN??? Even with a Republican President and Republican majorities in both houses, no one has come up with a health care plan that a majority favors.  In fact, people in wheelchairs and waving signs have flooded the Senate office buildings in Washington to protest any attempt to repeal or replace the ACA.  Give it up.  September 22, 2017 Iphone the Almighty Probably as a result of my overzealous weeding yesterday, I woke up this morning with the tip of my index finger swollen, red and throbbing with pain.  And sure enough, I find on the internet the very same index finger swollen, red and throbbing, a result of aggravated arthritis and treatable with hot and cold compresses.  I’m so impressed.  What used to be my “telephone” is now my doctor, encyclopedia, auto mechanic, nutritionist, cook, landscape consultant, yellow pages, family archivist, game player, librarian and camera. I know.  In spite of my Iphone being omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent, it is not God. It seems powerless (no pun intended) to prevent hurricanes, unfortunate election results or fat dictators with funny hair cuts.  But who knows.  Maybe soon. September 15, 2017 Leave Home While You Can!   Talk about a perfect storm.  This weekend will see a return of warm weather, clear skies, Miami Homecoming featuring a rival football game with neighboring Cincinnati, high school reunion parties and of all things, a neighborhood picnic. Parking will be at a premium and loud groups of inebriated college students will prevail.  Evacuation is mandatory. September 8, 2017 STICKS AND STONES.  OUCH.   There’s been a complaint on Facebook about the comments and how nasty they have become.  It’s true, and what bothers me the most is not the bad spelling or the swearing, although that is bad too, but the name calling.  Libtard, whatever that is, or snowflake or whatever.  And we can blame Trump for that because all throughout the campaign, he called out names; “crooked” Hillary, “lying” Ted, and he would say it all the time, so many times that eventually I’ll bet some people began to believe it was true.  “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me”.  Well, yes, names DO hurt.  They DO count.  So just stop it. September 1, 2017 Making Fun   A neighboring town which will be unnamed so I don’t embarrass anyone, is more like a speedbump on a state route. Along the one main road which you can transverse in 2 minutes,  there’s a bar, two churches, a historical marker designating it as the birthplace of a fairly obscure national baseball manager, a small public park and as of the census of 2010, a population of 561.                  But for several years now, well, three exactly, they have been celebrating the end of summer with the “Annual Reunion and Fall Festival” and I make note of this because of the featured events.  Starting off with the “new” “Tombstone Trail Walk”, which features a walk from the downtown park to the cemetery and back, the two day celebration will have live music,  with local bands including the Honky-Tonk Heroes, the women’s iron skillet toss, a football throw, a grand parade, a tractor tire flip, corn hole tournament, German beer garden, classic car and tractor show, Texas Poker and cash raffle, a Town’s Got Talent contest, encouraging those who can “sing, dance, play an instrument, tell a story, crow like a rooster, call the hogs, juggle, whistle or whatever” to participate. The weekend will end with a community church service and a special award to the widow of the founder of the first festival, three years ago, who lived next to the park and stored stuff in his garage.                  So go for it, all 561 residents!  Happy Festival to you!                 August 25, 2017 They’re Back! Finally I get to say something good about the president.  I watched him work the line of marines at the base in Arizona and he was tireless in signing autographs, posing for selfies and what was heartwarming was how happy and excited those young people were.  Good. Sorry that some of them may be going back to Afghanistan.   Topic II.  Thursday 15000 kids will be returning to Oxford, and probably 14,999 will bring their cars. One per cent of them will be from China, will speak minimal English and have no idea what a speed limit is.  Brace yourself, Townies.  It’s Move In Day Again. August 18, 2017 The Likes of Which . . .   The trouble with having a fifth grade vocabulary is that you are forced to use the same words over and over again.  So our president, in describing his retaliation at North Korea if they shoot any more missiles in our direction, says he will let loose fire and fury, “the likes of which the world has never seen.”  Yawn.  We’ve heard that many times, sir;  the crowds at your inauguration, the anti-muslim celebration in New Jersey after 9/11, and on and on.                 So how about the weeds in my garden, the likes of which the world has never seen? My grandchildren, the likes of which the world . . .? the traffic on High Street when the students return, the likes of which . . .?  this year’s  corn and blueberry crop, the likes of which . . .? It kinda loses its punch, doesn’t it, when repeated ad infinitum, ad nauseam.                 Just stop talking.  Stop tweeting.  Please.  Give us a break. Too late.  He just ranted again, the likes of which this country has never heard. August 11, 2017 Break time.    The good news, if it’s at all possible, is that truth has come front and center.  Everyone now realizes that it’s really important to tell the truth and also to recognize when someone is not telling the truth or that perhaps the truth is there but in disguise. Sad that a majority of Americans feel they cannot trust the president’s words, but that’s what happens eventually to habitual liars. Oh well, we’ll carry on.  Vacation time for just about everyone in the world.  Putin, all the news anchors, Melania, the Obamas.  Not Trump, of course, or that Korean dude with the most god-awful haircut.  Don’t we wish they WOULD take a two week break!  No tweets! No nuclear threats!  Oh please. August 4, 2017 Open Letter to Not My President   Dear Fake President Trump;                 Are you going to explain the words of your former communications director to your 11 year old son, Baron?  Perhaps you could tell all the parents in America how they can explain to their children what that man said. You could, at the least, explain what the Mooch meant when he described an anatomical maneuver that only a giraffe could pull off.                 And BTW,  please keep your twitters restricted to pictures of little kittens and wild animal rescues.  Thanks. Remember, tweets are not laws.                                                                                 Yours in the hope you go on vacation  and never come back,                                                                                                                                 moi P.S.  Oh, never mind.  Scaramouch has probably been promoted by now to Secretary of Morals and Acceptable Speech. July 28, 2017 Pluvial Excess Too much rain.  I appreciate the growth result, the lush lawn, the healthy lilacs and the outstanding corn, but OMG, the weeds!  I just finish one spot, turn around, and they’re BACK! July 21, 2017 SORRY EXCUSE FOR A BLOG; MIDSUMMER DRY SPELL                 News story.  A six year old girl gets attacked by an alligator.  She escapes by sticking her fingers up his nose.  WHAT??  I hope that doesn’t happen to me because I’m not sure I know just where an alligator’s nose IS. July 14, 2017 Yuge and Bigly Words   Ah, the dictionary, one more thing, like the phone book or the encyclopedia, made obsolescent by the IPhone.  So I get to use “crepuscular” and “kaleidoscopic” to describe the four skunks that appeared last night as they rapidly scurried back and forth on the cement walk picking up the meat scraps offered by Grammy’s evening buffet. The black and white pattern  formed by the beautiful fur of these crepuscular animals was kaleidoscopic!  I enjoy them bigly! July 7, 2017 You Won’t Remember This   Fun Facts from David Letterman, 2009.  Yes, I can reuse blogs.  They’re called summer reruns and everybody’s doing it. Early species of hyenas did not laugh.  They just pointed and said “good one.” Each year the average citizen inhales 44 pounds of dryer lint. Evil Knievel had a brother named “good.” The Chinese are supposedly close to developing a submarine that can travel above water. Bwhahaha.   June 30, 2017 The Quick Solution   In this day and age of super modern technology, Wi Fi,, I phone, cable TV, DVR, internet connection, Echo, for example, I have learned that the best way to fix something that is not working, or connecting, or doing its job, is to simply unplug.  Wait.  Plug it back in. Unless, of course, it’s great aunt Flossie on her life support.  Probably not a good idea. June 23, 2017 Nobel Peace Prize for Trump   Go for it, Donald!  Forget principles, morals, and human rights. Forget the environment, health care, or truth.   Just get all the countries on the planet to import and export all their goods.  Make deals with everybody so we’re buying and selling all over the world;  China, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, wherever you have or plan to have a luxury hotel.  People will be so busy with their stuff that they won’t have time to shoot, bomb and kill.  There we have it!  World Peace!  Yeah! June 16, 2017 Notes from Oxford Police Blotter                   Neighbors report to police that a man is walking down the street with a chain saw over his shoulder accompanied by a woman pushing an empty stroller.  When accosted by police officer, the man admits he stole the chain saw while the woman maintains she thought the stroller had been abandoned.  So the man is handcuffed and put into the back of the patrol car.  And when the policeman is off somewhere, the man squeezes through the screened partition between the front and back seats and escapes.  He subsequently unlocks the handcuffs with a paper clip. I am not making this up. June 8, 2017 Papa Hemingway Revisited   I’m reading a new biography of Ernest Hemingway, the first to be written by a woman.  She  was able to read  many previously  inaccessible letters and documents and we learn a lot about the women in his life especially his mother.  Shudder.  She was not a good influence to say the least.  What mother, for example, would send her son the pistol which his father used to commit suicide? Yikes. June 1, 2017 Harwood Wood The trees are especially beautiful and lush this year, perhaps because of the wet and cool spring. And I noticed a really odd ball tree, well, technically a seedling I suppose, flourishing away in the back yard along with the numerous ash, hemlock, oak and maples.  I think the odd ball is a giant sequoia.  Oh yes, I fell for the Tree Day Celebration and ordered one a few years ago and I guess I planted it because that’s what it appears to be.  Talk about optimism.  Right now it’s a stretch to say it’s a foot tall, but I’m keeping an eye on it.                 Oh gosh.  Suppose it matures and thrives and some day people will drive down West Collins Street and stop and point up to the sky and marvel at the Giant Sequoia towering over little Oxford town. If it’s big enough the owner of my 1/100th of an acre wood will hollow out a road through the trunk and charge a dollar to drive through it. Anything is possible. May 25, 2017 Somewhere Over the Rainbow   So granddaughter, whose only previous travel experience has been family vacation trips  from Cincinnati to Fr. Lauderdale, goes alone from Cincinnati to Orlando, changes terminals, and then boards a Delta/Virgin Airlines flight to London.  Jaw dropping experience.  The plane has an upstairs!  Two hot meals with a menu!  Window seat! Your own television! Wake up packet with toothbrush, toothpaste and wash cloth! Wow. Dorothy!  You’re not in Kansas anymore! May 19, 2017 Nobel Peace Prize or Jail                   Frankly, and I think I can say this in one Faulknerian sentence, if our current president, with all his failings in regard to his treatment of women, his incompetence in the basics of government, his embarrassing fifth grade vocabulary, his crass taste in Oval office décor, specifically the gold curtains, and his five minute attention span, if, in spite of all that, he can manage to make a deal with Russia, China and North Korea to effectively bring about a peace agreement  and broker a similar agreement in the Middle East, then I will grant him a Nobel Peace Prize, vote for him in 2020, and be extremely grateful that the whole world is talking to each other and engaging in economic activity rather than threatening, bombing their own people and blowing themselves up. I mean it.                 Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your political party,  he may not be our president much longer. May 12, 2017 Fooling the people.   May I be the first to recommend Sally Yates for President?  What a refreshing taste of honesty, real facts, intelligence and genuine knowledge of the law.  No more fake news, conniving, alternate facts and lack of transparency.  Why are the White House visitors logs withheld?  Why has any mention of Muslims been suddenly deleted from Trump’s campaign website? Wait.  He has a campaign website?  Even though he won, albeit not the popular vote? Oh.  He’s campaigning already for 2020.  Good luck with that.  You can fool some of the people some of the time, but not all the people . . .  you know. May 5, 2017 Wonnerful, Wonnerful.   I’m reading an interesting book, LAB GIRL by Hope Jahren, which traces her development as a research scientist along with the evolution of a tree.  And what is fascinating is her description of the birth of a leaf, the tremendous effort of the embryonic cotyledons, two tiny ready-made leaflets, that from a seed,  inflate for temporary use and begin the photosynthesis that leads to the real leaf that makes sugar and then sends it down to the root that sends water up to the leaf that makes sugar, etc.etc. And the wondrous part of this experience is that I’m looking out the window and seeing billions and billions of leaves in the process of growing, turning the back yard into a hugely lush garden of plants and trees and yes, dandelions. Science.  It’s a fact, Donald. And simply wondrous. April 28, 2017 Music to my ears?   The starling.  A bird so maligned in the modern world that our neighbor could take his gun, go out on the sidewalk and shoot them with impunity.  They have been known to fall from the sky, birdnado style, and no one really cares. Ho hum. One hundred fewer starlings to poop on our cars or ravage our bird feeders.                 But it turns out starlings are a lot smarter than we thought.. According to Elena Passarello in her charming book,  ANIMALS STRIKE CURIOUS POSES, starlings can compose a four part courting song, consisting of one section each  of  whistle, warble, click and screech. The famed and eccentric Mozart had a three year relationship with a caged starling who actually edited his music.  The composer would whistle a 5 measure theme, the starling would listen, whistle a different version back, changing a “g” to a “g sharp” for example, and Mozart would consider and then sometimes alter the original.                 They say that starlings like to look humans directly in the eye.  I can’t say that has ever happened to me.  But I will say they certainly are a  garrulous group and now that the doors are open, I’m listening for the whistle, warble, click and screech song.  April 21, 2017 The Wonder of it All. Overwhelmed this week from birthday activities, mobile device intricacies and frustrations, state of the union, medical ethics and the wonder of spring which just keeps coming no matter what.  Thanks for that. April 14, 2017  Oh, the irony..   Does anyone else see the irony when President Trump decries the Syrian regime’s use of chemical weapons on its own people, when Trump himself has just signed an executive order that would rewrite Obama’s  Clean Power Plan that would protect the atmosphere from 70 million tons of carbon pollution and result in 3600 fewer premature deaths and 90 thousand fewer asthma attacks on children? The Environmental Protection Agency has been looking into the scientific data documenting the risks posed by greenhouse gases and recognizing that these emissions had contributed to public safety. The Trump budget would defund the EPA by 31 per cent and cut the staff by 20 per cent. Dump the Trump before we are all gasping for clean air. April 7, 2017 Twitter into Oblivion.  Please.   Oh how I miss Obama.  And Michelle. And the girls.  And honesty.  And truth.  And Congress doing their job.  Is our Fake President going to twitter himself into impeachment? Let’s hope. March 31, 2017 Talk about a learning curve.  In one day I learned 1.  There are 100 pence in a British pound and at least five different coins. 2. Data is not text or talk and the amount of data used can be helped if you use WiFi which has to be turned on after a factory reset. 3.  Factory resets can cause HAVOC. 4. The ACA lives!  My postcards helped! 5. The Germans invented a towel holder that has instructions in 6 languages but only one short paragraph in English but I installed it myself anyhoo. 6.  Grandaughters help A LOT when putting up curtains on the porch. 7.  Spring came!  Doors open!  Birds Sing!  8.  Life can be good! March 24, 2017 Wrong.  Just Wrong.   I know people are starving all over the world.  When I was growing up we were instructed to remember the starving Armenians.  But yesterday on CBS news (and it’s not fake) there were such  disturbing pictures of children starving in Southern Sudan.    And it’s even more awful when we have a president whose conspicuous consumption and terrible statements like “I’m so rich” emphasize how terribly thoughtless and uncaring he seems to be about suffering and poverty. His proposed budget increases military spending and reduces foreign aid.  Isn’t it more important that we feed those starving children than build better bombs? Man!  What a topsy turvy world. March 17, 2017 Good News and Bad News   The good news.  High school kids have put together an ad for our local TV questioning our President’s competence.   They cite his incessant twittering, his poor choice of cabinet members and his Muslim travel ban.  They criticize our representative in Congress and call him out for supporting the Republican Health Care plan, not supporting Planned Parenthood and asking for a special prosecutor to look into the Russian connection to the last election. The bad news.  Our government is so out of whack that kids in high school are upset. The good news.  High school kids are paying attention to what is happening in Washington. March 10, 2017 APPALLING Is there no end to his effrontery?  His top cop/attorney general lies to Congress.  He rescinds the Obama executive order to keep guns out of the hands of the mentally ill.  He breaks up immigrant families as they cross the border.  He appoints a radical nut to be a permanent member of the National Security Council and then takes off to Florida for a weekend in the sun and golfing. March 3, 2017 Draining the Swamp of Reality                   Unfortunately words have lost their integrity.  Trump’s speech to the joint session of Congress rings hollow. We have to watch what he does, not what he says.  He lies, exaggerates, hints and distorts.  He talks about “so called” crowds and “fake” news.  He maintains that Jews are desecrating their own cemeteries and hints that  Obama is somehow behind protests.    Trump may be our president, but he’s still a lunatic. February 24, 2017 The New Fired Up   Conversation heard outside a Miami professor’s office; Coed 1.  My boyfriend is really mad at me because I don’t get wasted enough. (Professor expects Coed 2 to say something like what a jerk) Coed 2.  Here’s a tip.  Have a drink or two BEFORE you go out. My knitting group is properly shocked but not surprised.  One knitter, who was a sorority advisor, said that they have “Fired Up” parties whereby they all start drinking before going to the uptown bars. Then they fill water bottles (Evian anyone?) with vodka. They boast about how many times they have passed out.  They consider it a badge of honor, kind of like the Girl Scout Merit badges.   Yikes. February 17, 2017 Woof!   I so appreciate the Westminster Kennel Dog Show, on tv last night from Madison Square Garden.  The first hound was the Afghan, all that silky, flowing, beautiful hair!  The Borzoi, from Russia.  The Ibizan, first seen thousands of years ago on Egyptian tombs.  The Irish wolf hound, tallest of all the dogs!  Yuge!  And the water hound, the only hound dog with webbed feet!                 What a pleasure to hear about something that is irreproachably honest and also beautiful.  These are some of the world’s finest animals, and it is so refreshing to be watching the real thing as opposed to all the hypocrisy and lies coming from our “so called” leaders.                 I don’t even like dogs, but for two days in February, DOGS RULE! February 10, 2017 Fake News   Senator Elizabeth Warren is barred from reading Coretta Scott King’s letter criticizing the Attorney General nominee by Mitch McConnel’s invoking an obscure ruling from 1906 whose sole purpose was to prevent senators from physically hitting each other.  But then he allows a MAN to finish reading the letter. This has got to be FAKE NEWS. Unfortunately not. February 3, 2017 Vetting, Canine and Political   Does the OM (Orange Man) realize that with one stroke of the pen he has insulted 1.2 billion people, approximately 19% of the world population? On a lighter note, I do  believe that puppies to be chosen for the Super Puppy Bowl are vetted more thoroughly than the candidates for Cabinet positions.  After 80 puppies are selected by submitted videos, they are flown to New York where they are interviewed, examined by a vet, and put through various   IQ, obedience and field tests.  If they fall asleep, for example, on the field, they are automatically disqualified.  Watch for Sable, the pup from Oxford, #26  who is on Team Fluff. Animal Planet.  3 p.m.   January 27, 2017 Sit Tight for a Wild Ride   I guess we might as well get used to jaw dropping statements from the new administration.  The latest is from Kelly Ann Conway.   She maintains that her dubious statement about the attendance record at the inauguration was not a lie, a falsehood or misrepresentation.  Oh no.  Get this.  It was an “alternative fact.”   Dear God.  Four years of this malarkey?                 And what’s even more startling, the gag orders.  Federal departments are not allowed to tweet? Reveal anything?  What is going on?  And the list of federal agencies that will lose their funding?  I’m all for paring down wasteful spending, but most of them will only affect women and the poor people of this country (ironically, probably Trump supporters).  It’s all pretty scary until you get on Facebook and realize that people are still funny, thoughtful and kind.  Hang in there America.  We will survive. January 20, 2017 January Blues                 Quite a depressing week.  Overcast, cloudy, downright damp.  Congressional hearings on the cabinet picks; Education sect. who is clearly unqualified, Energy man who wanted to eliminate that very department but unfortunately couldn’t remember the name of it.  Oops.                 And finally the upcoming inauguration of OP (Orange President), also clearly unqualified for the job yet going to go on anyway.                 Bright spots that keep me going; no snow, no snow removal expense, bountiful birds every morning, Jack wins a wrestling match, other grandkids seem to be happy. I’m still walking and talking and knitting, even though I’ll be eighty soon.  Yikes. January 13, 2017 Ave Atque Vale!   Hail and farewell!  After watching Obama’s farewell speech last night, so many words come to mind; dignity, compassion, love, intelligence, patriotism .  In eight years he has brought health  insurance to 20 million  uninsured, insurance for those with preexisting conditions, he revived a failing economy, brought race relations to a level of conversation, and Michelle, I cannot begin to describe.  It was a remarkable speech and his continuing presence in the country’s history is a ray of hope. Orange man, on the other hand, continues to speak with such chicanery and hyperbole, it’s really hard to listen for more than a few minutes.  Great! Tremendous! Brilliant!  Yuck. January 6, 2017 The Eternal Male Ego   So Cicero in the first century B.C. writes to his friend Atticus relating how much people in Cilicia love him, want him to be king, and shower him with honors.  “I am the best” he writes unabashedly.  Hmmm. And now we will have a president, well, you know, who says in a New Yorker cartoon, while his hand is on the bible and the Supreme Court justice is administering the (shudder} you know what, “”…and will to the best of my ability, which is terrific ability, by the way.  Everyone agrees, I have fantastic ability.  So there’s no problem with my ability, believe me …” December 30, 2016 The Old, Old Story Greetings from Christmas cards reveal that my old friend has a much younger boy friend and together they have traveled the world. “He keeps me young” she writes.  Dick van Dyke, in his nineties, is married to a forty year old and writes the same. “She keeps me young.” WRONG.  You may feel youthful and granted it may be refreshing, but trust me, it’s an illusion.  You’re still approaching or surpassing 80 which is – HELLO --  OLD.  Embrace it.  Sit down.  Wait for the end.  December 23, 2016 Definitely His Fault   I remember once last year seeing the Pittsburgh Steelers dressed like bumble bees.  Now this year the Seattle Seahawks are playing Thursday night football looking like green neon aliens from outer space.  Wha?  Who’s making these decisions?  Why?                 Maybe we can blame Trump.  Sure.  Why not.  Let the blame game begin! December 16, 2016 Go Back!                   In light of the new administration’s picks for the Cabinet of Deplorables – an education secretary who doesn’t believe in public education, an environmental protection chief who scoffs at global warming and now a department of energy secretary who wanted to eliminate the agency completely – I fear a humongous cultural shift to the rear, a recidivism.                 My answer.  Double my contributions to all the private organizations that will continue our path to tolerance, public education, promotion of scientific investigation and efforts to preserve the natural world.  Jeesh. December 9, 2016 The Hans Christian Anderson story about the King who was tricked into believing he was smart and suited for his job   And finally a little child yelled, “The Emperor has no clothes!” “The Orange Man has no brains!” On second thought, WRONG”.   He’s smart.  But I’m just having a problem coming to terms with a Trump presidency. And his cabinet of deplorables. December 2, 2016 NOONE’S GOING TO STEAL MY CHRISTMAS!   I look forward to Christmas this year, especially since it appears that the Trumpster is  not going away.  Au contraire, he’s coming to Cincinnati for a rally .  A rally?  He won already!  How can he have a rally without putting someone down, offending a group of citizens, promoting violence or telling lies?                 Anyhoo, let Christmas begin.  I happened to catch the last 10 minutes of The Grinch, when he has stolen all the presents and is  snickering at the Who People who have come out of their houses and are standing in a circle, holding hands and singing!  No crying!  They don’t care about presents!  They just love each other!  That’s what counts!                 Kind of a  stretch, but somehow the Grinch looks a lot like Trump only a different color. Let’s hope for a similar conversion and he starts to realize that money/things isn’t everything. November 25, 2016 Oh What a Beautiful Morning! When looking at the potential leaders of our country for the next four years, and fighting despair, bigotry, the dismantling of our environmental protections, and the mindless tweets of a wholly self absorbed orange man,  I take heart from the words of e e cummings; “I thank you God for most this amazing day For the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes.”    So I wake every morning to a “most this amazing day”.  I will be hopeful. November 18, 2016 From George Burns’ biography of Gracie Allen   Uncle Barnum Allen once claimed he grew grapefruits so big that 8 of them would make a dozen. Gracie decided that horses must be deaf because she saw so few of them at concerts. I was so surprised at birth that I didn’t speak for a year and a half. George; Did the maid ever drop you on your head when you were a baby? Gracie; Don’t be silly, George. We couldn’t afford a maid.  My mother had to do it.   George;  What’s the date? Gracie; I don’t know. George; Well, look in the newspaper. Gracie; That won’t do any good.  It’s yesterday’s paper. November 11, 2016 Be  a  good sport.   Cubs  win!  Indians lose!  Trump wins!  Hillary loses!  No lawsuits.  No claims it was rigged.  Just good sportsmanship,  please.  Let this past week be a lesson.  Live with it.  No whining. Move on. November 4, 2016 Retirement Morning   So I can spend the morning looking at a potato that resembles a princess, reading a discussion comparing Mozart and Prince, watching a Scotsman in a kilt playing Thunderstruck on flaming bagpipes, a baby emu rolling over like a dog, innumerable cute baby pictures, friends on Caribbean cruises, or hundreds of examples why no one should vote for Trump Or Put on my shoes and go out and repair my Hillary sign which was vandalized ( but repairable) overnight. Yes, I will. October 28, 2016 Eternal Optimist   As we close in on single digit days before the election, I can think of some real positives that have evolved from a predominantly negative campaign season; 1. people on the internet are much more aware of the reliability of sources.  A recent post declaring Hillary’s  membership in the KKK brought out hundreds of requests for links, sources, and then a revelation that the sources were extreme right wing publications.  Good for everyone. 2. no more locker room talk.  I’ll bet sexual assault talk will be more muted than previously allowed, especially among males of all ages. Fewer wolf whistles, groping incidents and unwanted advances from bosses or stars.  Thanks, Donald. 3. the possibility that only really qualified people will volunteer to run for political office.  The relentless and justified criticism of the truly unfit candidate for president should scare away any deplorable thinking he can become president. 4.  the glass ceiling will have been shattered.  Just as Obama opened up the possibility of any Afro-American being president, so now any woman can imagine doing the same.  Yeah!  At last! October 21, 2016 Oh Yes.  It’s  the Teacher’s Fault Once Again. How did THAT MAN’s supporters graduate from high school and still be so ignorant? How can they say on national television that a president can jail a political opponent?  How can one tell me that Hillary wants to take away his guns?  Surely teachers are teaching otherwise.  But is anyone listening or learning?                 My theory is that our schools place too much emphasis on sports.  Not that they aren’t healthy, that they encourage good sportsmanship or they promote teamwork.  All good.  But they also inherently place special value on winning.  Remember the beginning of this (shudder) campaign?  And the orange monster kept saying, “I’m a WINNER!  I’ll win for you!  Vote for the winner!”                 Dear God in Heaven.  Grant us some THINKING  people and direct them to the voting booth November 8th. October 14, 2016 The Power of Words   Learned a new word this week.  “Rodomontade”.  Had to google it.  It means “boastful” and comes from the Italian comic opera figure and literally means “he who rolls away the mountain.” How fitting when the current political picture is just crazy with words, some true, some disgusting, some supposedly used in the men’s locker room.  My favorite words used to describe you know who; Deplorable Deportable Despicable Indefensible   October 7, 2016 I’m With Her For Sure, 100 Per cent   Yes, I’m with Hillary because she’s Hard working Pretty honest Experienced Deserving Hard working Experienced And she’s a GRANDMA! And that other guy is most certainly none of the above. September 30, 2016 Decal Fever   I am not one to decorate my car with bumper stickers, signs or decals of any kind.  I think I can safely say I have NEVER affixed anything to my window, bumper or anything.  But this year, it’s happening.  And it’s not for Hillary, Donald or any politician.  In fact I am proudly displaying on the rear window of my  expensive (for me) Ford Escape the  decals of 5 different universities where my grandchildren are currently enrolled or graduated.    I am inordinately proud that my children are contributing to the future welfare of this country by furthering the education of their children in spite of the crippling expense.  So Kudos, Kids!  Six more to go! September 23, 2016 Good old days.  Bring em back.   Or on the other hand,  these new devices, the phone, the computer, the cars, are they too smart for their own good?  Are they outsmarting themselves?  In the period of one day, my daughter’s new car reported the tire pressure was low, mandating a trip to the garage where after a complete check up, nothing was found.  That same afternoon my son’s phone kept going in and out while mine played the now familiar trick of sending the incoming call directly to voice mail.  Now granted it might be better to be informed of a potential flat tire rather than, as in the old days, you go out in the morning only to find it a done deal.  But I never had any trouble with calls fading away with the old wired up phone.  Nor did they ever fail to deliver the voice of the caller, no matter what.  The old typewriter never suddenly deleted whatever I had just typed.  It worked whether I was connected on line or even plugged in. Suddenly I miss the old Corona, little black carrying case with silver flip fastener and all. September 16, 2016 Progress .  What Is It?                  If I live much longer, I’m going to be the only person on the planet who remembers the dial phone.  You know where you find the hole with the number in it, insert your finger and pull the dial around until it hits the little silver thingy, then remove the finger, wait until the dial goes back, find the second number, insert the finger again, repeat repeat.  Luckily most numbers were only four  digits long.  CUMBERSOME!                 Or the manual typewriter.  Stick the paper behind the roller, turn the knob until it pops up in front, bang the correct key so the little metal hammer jumps out onto the ribbon which then imprints the paper. Keep going until the bell rings, then yank the silver handle all the way over to the left to start another line.   And beware of making a mistake.    There was no turning back.                 Or my mother telling HER mother that there was no more need to slam the heavy flat iron onto the wrinkled clothes because now they had electric irons that heated themselves.  And this is the same woman (my Nana) who hauled water in buckets up the hill to the kitchen from the well and churned her own butter by hand.                  So the smart phone nowadays knows all the phone numbers and does all the work for you with a little tap.  The word processor and printer, again, require only the lightest touch. And as for the ironing, what is it anyway?  My daughter doesn’t even own an iron.                 And this explains why we have to go to the gym for exercise, why we’re out running our hearts out in marathons  or playing  pickle  ball to keep in shape.  The daily life that was once a physical work out has morphed to nothing.                   I guess it’s progress.  But you gotta wonder. September 9, 2016 Chain Saw Power   I am emboldened. I am woman.  Hear me roar. I have chain saw power. Tree limbs fall.  Dead branches disintegrate. Paths are cleared.  Bushes pruned. I am woman.  Hear me roar. Oh, and pass the band aids. September 2, 2016 CAPITALS SHOUT! AMAZE! Hummingbirds cannot walk or hop.  Their tiny feet (and I have seen them up close and they ARE TINY) facilitate their distance flying and are only good for perching on very small branches and for scratching. Hummingbirds weigh less than a nickel. Their wings flap 50 to 200 times per SECOND! The ruby throated hummingbird flies 500 miles across the Gulf of Mexico NON STOP! WOW! (redundant amazement) August 26, 2016 Olympic Event                   All last week I sporadically  watched  the Olympics, mostly the prime time running and swimming.  Where and when were the equestrians?  The discus? The rowing?  All those medals!  So how about an event anyone could qualify for?  How about sitting?                 Oh yes.  I’m good at that.  I could go for the couch sitting.  The approach.  The landing.  The dismount!  There could be different apparatus  rotations.  The chair, the porch swing, the bar stool.  Or varied venues, like sitting on the fence or on the wall.  How about a sit in?  Or just sitting out? Let’s face it.  For retirees, sitting is practically a 24/7 occupation.  I’m going for the gold!   August 19, 2016 Newsworthy   Not only is the nightly news mostly bad – fires, floods, riots, shootings and crazy Presidential candidates – but the ads inbetween are just as depressing.  They try to sell me something for my constipation, diarrhea, muscle aches and pains,  sleep deprivation, erectile dysfunction, headache, dry eyes and over active bladder, just to name a few.                 I would really like to see some ads trying to sell me something cheerful,  something I would really be motivated to buy, like a lovely bouquet of flowers, a good book, music, a trip to the Bahamas.  How about a one  minute commercial promoting fun games for the family, a comfortable chair, a walk in the park? (Oh, okay, that one is probably free)..  Let’s hear the music and famous celebrity selling jewelry, bicycles or a sure fire best seller . . . Chocolate Cake!                  On with a Commercial Revolution!  Then we could all leave the nightly news a little happier! August 12, 2016 It’s Going To Be Okay!                   I had the privilege of spending five days with some members of the next generation, namely my children and grandchildren.  I’m relieved to report that they do not spend their lives with their noses in their phones, texting their friends ,  playing Pokemon , unable to write cursive or distinguish between “your” and “you’re.”  In fact, at a recent gathering, they were tossing a football, sitting around and TALKING!, sketching, playing badminton, picking up trash, not making it, and generally being really nice people.  (Okay, a little bias here I’ll admit)                 They all had phones which they used to supply music, fact check opinions and information and take pictures.  And a further benefit to being part of modern technology – someone set up a link in which all the pictures could be seen and everyone could add his own pictures.  So we had an instant record of grandparents, hoverboard thrills, softball game casualties, aunts, uncles, cousins, first, second or once removed and old friends. Wow.                 So let that other candidate whose name rhymes with Chump rant and rave how our country is going to the dogs.  I’m here to say we are in the hands of a next generation who are thoughtful, smart, well informed and positive.  Phew!  We’re going to be okay. August 5, 2016 The Wild Ones Do hummingbirds have personalities?  Evidently.  I always thought they were people friendly, but this year the one bird that comes around the feeder, takes a look at me and darts away.  I think he comes back when I’m not there, because the nectar is definitely going down.   Anyhow, life among the wild is interesting.  It’ll  get more interesting when the real wild ones come back from summer break and Miami starts up again in a few weeks. And BTW,  (and this really is the last word) let me be one of the first to predict that Donald Trump will drop out of the race.  He would never tolerate being a LOSER. July 29, 2016 One last word                 The  last word from me about Donald Trump.  He describes his lying as “truthful hyperbole.”  Wrong Donald.  There is nothing truthful about  hyperbole.  In other words, an oxymoron, with the emphasis on MORON. July 22, 2016 THIS IS PROGRESS!                   Let’s see.  Over two thousand years ago, Vergil wrote “Omnia vincit amor.”  “Love conquers all.”  And we’re just now discovering that? July 15, 2016 Poke  a what?   The scene; my porch and the sidewalk in front. The players; me on the porch swing and three middle school age kids. The dialogue.  Nothing. The action;  kids walk slowly up the walk, phones in hand.  One kid turns and walks away.  The other two briefly consult, but mainly look at phones continually. Question;  What is the matter with kids these days? Answer; POKEMON GO ! July 8, 2016 America.  Hang in There!   With all the depressing things going on  -- explosions in the Middle East, shootings in Chicago, gridlock in Washington, name calling on the campaign trail (Stop it, Donald), it was such an uplifting Fourth of July .  In spite of the rain and cold, the American spirit goes on!  What a treat to see so many young people, all decked out in patriotic colors, flags and bunting.   Our local parade  still flourishes and lines up in front of my house.  Girl Scouts, United Way, horses with carriages, horses with riders, and the Senior Center Float, adorned with gray heads and white heads, lots of red white and blue hats and banging on pots and pans, ringing cow bells and playing kazoos. That particular float goes past my house, they wave, I wave.  Then five minutes later, they go past again.  Oops.  Forgot where to go?                 Hooray for the Red White and Blue!  Now all we need is a woman president.  Go Hillary!                 July 1, 2016 Squawk!   GENIUS OF BIRDS by Jennifer Ackerman contains more than any sane person would want to know about birds. From the chapter “Four Hundred Tongues” we learn that Thomas Jefferson had a pet mockingbird that sang to him at night.  Birds “hoot, yodel, caw, wail, rattle, chit, seet and sing like angels.”  A syrinx, a structure with cartilage and two membranes that vibrate with air flow, embedded deep in a bird’s throat, is responsible.   Some species can contract and relax these tiny vocal muscles with submillisecond precision -- more than a hundred times faster than the blink of a human eye.                   Some birds can manipulate the organ to imitate human speech.  A bullfinch was trained to sing “God Save the King”.   A gray catbird could sound taps. And after weeks of silence, a parakeet spoke his first words,” Talk, damn you, talk!” June 24, 2016 Cleveland,  Fashion Capital of . . .   I have been watching basketball games all my adult life as a parent , beginning with 6th grade girls, high school varsity, 6th grade boys and junior high boys.  So I have some idea  what is happening on the court.  I know all about the pick and roll, and I know how to get to downtown. I hadn’t watched a professional basketball game for at least a year, though,  until last week when I just had to watch Game 7 and the imminent triumph of the Cleveland Cavaliers.  Oh my goodness.  First of all, what awful colors for a team.  Black and orange?  Halloween?  And why are some guys wearing knee socks?  And some,  what appears to be panty hose?   All those terrible tattoos!  And the worst offense to my fashion standards, the silly hairdo of one guy, who seems to have asked the barber to cut his hair so he’ll resemble a poodle.  Oh dear.                 But no matter.  Cleveland won a title after 50 years of drought.  Now on to the Republican Convention.  Can’t wait. Not that Republicans will show any diversity or imaginative hair dos.  The best we can hope for are some silly straw hats like Minnie Pearl’s. June 17, 2016 Freedom, Our Inalienable Right   I hope I am repeating what is being said all over the country after the Orlando massacre.  This is America.  We have many freedoms, one of which is freedom of religion.  This means one is free to be a radical Christian or a radical Muslim if one so chooses..  What one is not free to do is murder.  That’s why we have laws.  And surely it would help if one is a little less free to buy an assault weapon.  You need a license to drive a car (a potential deadly weapon), to carry a pistol.  You need a permit to purchase certain drugs, to go hunting, to build a house or to own a dog.  Certainly we should ask some sort of background check  or permit for those who would buy assault weapons. After all, what are you going to do with an AK 47?  Not hunting squirrels, not target practice, not self- defense.  It’s for ASSAULT, something that happens usually on the battle field. If only Congress had some guts.  The  law that recently lifted the assault weapon ban was voted for overwhelmingly by Republicans.  Even their idol Ronald Reagan said that assault weapons should be banned.  So vote, people. And vote for sensible, patriotic American Democrats. June 10, 2016 Good Lord!  What’s Next?   So!  I who have lived through beer pong tournaments, corn hole games, fire pit extravaganzas (let’s burn a bike!) throw the chair in the tree, decorate telephone wires with sneakers, am now facing the latest student craze; throwing knives into large pieces of wood propped up against a wall or fence.  No problem except for the humongous THUMP!  I guess it’s okay except for the potential problem of an errant weapon or a misbegotten murder after a drunken argument.  Anyhow, they’re gone for the summer.  Revel in the uptown parking spaces!  No long lines at Starbucks!  Students!  Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. June 3, 2016 Back Yard Drama or Epitome of my Evening Entertainment   The Scene; back yard cement walk The Players; 2 skunks, 1 cat, 1 raccoon and yours truly on the other side of the screen door. The Main Event; 6 pieces of polish sausage All players arrive virtually at the same time.  Much posturing.  First to leave, the cat, totally outclassed as a wild animal. Skunk tails up!  You know what that means. Evidently the raccoon knows also, because he is next to retreat. Skunks win!  This time. May 27, 2016 Tips for Life   What I learned at Knitters  Group this week; Someone’s husband will come to my house and remove  Windows 10… for a pie. A baby alpaca is called a cria. How to shear a sheep, where to send the wool, how to spin it. It’s okay to dumpster dive.   May 20, 2016 Kiddos!  Kiddos! From the Oxford Press police reports; Complaints of a noise violation leads officers to a loud party on South Poplar Street.  Student residents are advised of the problem and issued a citation.  An hour later, the loud music having returned, the police come back and give the kid another ticket.  Student, by now fairly well inebriated, complains loudly.  “You just gave me a ticket!  Why do I get another one?” Late at night, outside an uptown bar, a drunk student falls into the street and the police are called.  Noting the slurred voice, odor of alcohol and the “I’m of age” bracelet, the officer asks to see his ID. Ascertaining that the ID is a fake, the police proceed to bring him to the station and book him.  The kid, seeing that he is about to get a citation, admits to everything and then asks, “Can I have my ID back?”  When being told it will be held for evidence, really dumb kid  remonstrates, “But I need it to get into bars so I can drink with my friends.”  Oh, duh.  Just graduate, kids.  Leave town and go run for president. May 13, 2016 LOVEY  DOVEY   Mourning doves love to sit together on a favorite branch.  Often for quite a long time.  Kinda like an old married couple. MD1; Why are you picking at yourself so much? MD2: I have an itch under my wing. MD1; Well, stop it.  It’s annoying. MD2; You’re bobbing your head again, like a common pigeon. MD1;  I’m trying to see around your fat tail. MD2;  Here, I’ll turn around so we’re facing the same way. MD1;  You’re still scratching.  MD2; What kind of bird are you?  It’s called preening and everybody does it. MD1:  Not as vigorously as you’re doing.  Stop it. MD2;  If you don’t stop nagging, I’ll fly to another branch.  Actually, here I go anyway, MD1;  I’m right behind you. Flap flap.  Life goes on.   MAY 6, 2016 LEARNING ALL THE TIME   Things I have learned this week. Don’t keep your phone on the charger all the time.  It eats energy like a goldfish eats food and eventually swells up and kills itself.  OMG. It happened to me. My new little flip up phone (related to a flip flop?) replacement, even though quite simple, has a camera, (once again I took a delightful picture of my knee), an internet connection and voice mail. When there are multiple symbols on a button, it depends on what program you are in.  Need a space bar?  Press the button, even though it’s in the middle of the button #3, and voila!  Same goes for the shift key, even though it’s third in line on button #1.  The cursor on my new phone is sometimes a blue outline. When all else fails, get in your car and drive to the nearest Verizon store. And as for the computer, when your mouse suddenly disappears, or freezes, check your batteries.  New ones will clear it up! April 29, 2016 You Know of Whom I Speak   BOMBAST!  Speech that is pretentious, full of big words signifying nothing.  According to some sources, originating in the German “baum wolle”, a tree wool used for padding or stuffing.  But probably from the  Bombax tree family, a tree known for showy leaves, dried fruit and a woody pulp.  Most unlikely of all, from the ancient Greek  “bombax!” meaning  “ Wonderful!”  “ Marvelous!”   April 22, 2016 Spring  or Something has Sprung                   My eyesight is definitely weakening.  I like to blame it on allergies, but I confess it is probably old age.  So I look across the street, and I see something colorful where previously there was nothing.  It’s either yellow and red tulips OR, because it is student housing, yellow beer bottles and red paper cups.  I look again.  Oh wait, the mother was visiting yesterday.  OKAY!  Tulips! April 15, 2016 No Words for This Guy   Ted Kruz.  What an idiot.  He comments on New York values.  YOU know what they are, he sneers.  Liberalism, pro abortion, same sex marriage.  Shudder. New York values.  How about equality for women?  Equal pay for equal work?  How about freedom of religion? How about not having to show your birth certificate to go to the bathroom?  How many times do we have to mention the courage of the first responders on 9/11? Kruz.  Dangerous. April 8,2016 The Dumbing Down of Americans   I hope this isn’t true, but it would appear that people are losing certain mental capabilities by giving them over to devices such as phones.  If you don’t use it you lose it. We no longer have to REMEMBER anything,  Phone numbers, addresses, library due dates, birthdays, recipes, the list goes on. We no longer have to CALCULATE anything.  In fact, why do they even teach math anymore?  I haven’t had to multiply or divide for years.  Long division?  What’s that? We no longer have to PREDICT anything.  The weather app takes care of that. We no longer have to WONDER about anything.  Just ask Siri. And as if we need any more evidence, just look at who’s running for President for the Republican party and who’s voting for them. Duh. April  1, 2016,  and this is no joke! Fly Away, Hat of Kings!   So Bernie Sanders, while speaking in Portland Oregon last week, was visited by a sparrow who hopped on the stage and then on the podium, right in front of the senator.  Ah, if only he had hopped on the candidate’s head, snatched off his hat, flew high into the sky and then returned back to replace the hat.  Then we’d know Bernie is the next president for sure because that is exactly what happened to Ancus Marcius, the fourth king of Rome, on his way into the city to claim the throne. “It’s a sign!” yelled his mother, Tanaquil, a renowned prophetess.  Alas, we’re not fortunate enough to have a renowned prophetess to interpret the behavior of the unfortunate sparrow.  We just have the Donald, the polls, the media pundits and the man on the street to leave us guessing who will be our next king.  And it sure is a guess, still. March 25, 2016 Spring Cleaning Fever   What is it about the warmer weather, the return of the robins and finches, the frantic nest building, Spring Break or the rise of the naked ladies that makes me want to clean the house?  And I do.  I really do.  I even had a professional carpet cleaner in for that white/gray/spotted rug.  Maybe it has something to do with warming of the blood in the veins or thyroid activity.  Or perhaps it’s that I haven’t cleaned since Christmas and the extra daylight hour is revealing a LOT of dust kitties under the bed and a gray covering on the woodwork.  Get out that oil rag and get scrubbing! March 18, 2016 Woodpecker War Day One.  I seem to have won the “Mouse in the kitchen” war only to find myself in battle with a woodpecker who is determined to make a sizeable hole in the chimney.  And it turns out that yelling up the flue at the top of my voice, “Ding Dang It!  Get out!” doesn’t seem to be effective Day Two.  Oh wait.  I’m going to use that threat that’s as old as my children. “ Listen, Woodpecker. Don’t make me come up there!” Day Three.  Never mind.  I removed the logs, lit a fire starter stick and it burned brightly for a few minutes.  So far so good.  No more woodpecker. March 11, 2016 I’ll take the plain pine box thanks   From e. e. cummings, one of my all favorite poems; When god lets my body be From each brave eye shall sprout a tree Fruit that dangles therefrom The purpled world will dance upon Between my lips which did sing A rose shall beget the spring . . . My strong fingers beneath the snow Into strenuous birds shall go My love walking in the grass Their wings will touch with her face And all the while shall my heart be With the bulge and nuzzle of the sea.   Great idea, ideally and poetically.  Unfortunately, some enterprising entrepreneur has devised and is selling a body bag (insert body in fetal position) to be planted with a tree seed. Voila!  The tree sprouts “from each brave eye . . .” I don’t think so.  Ick.  Gross.  Not quite ready for that.     March 4, 2016 Trump, Strumpet and Thumpers Win! And what are we going to do for entertainment once the election is over?  Oh, I get it.  With Trump in the White House we can look forward to impending nuclear war, the KKK standing guard  at the Washington Monument, a swim suit garbed first lady.   The mind boggles. February 26, 2016 The Moveable Vacuum Cleaner The house across the street is a  large, early twentieth century design, once owned by the mill’s owner, then his daughters and now occupied by student renters.  Last year its sign was a ritzcracker box and, well, duh,  entitled “The Ritz.”  No sign this year, just an inflated plastic owl implanted on the roof of the porch, probably by the kid who regularly ran out onto the lawn throwing shoes, beer cans or whatever at the birds.  New this year is an upright vacuum cleaner sitting on the front porch since November at least.  Finally today, someone picked up all the other stuff…broken table and chairs, beer cans galore, red plastic cups, odds and ends of scrap lumber used for the snow fort, now melted into oblivion. This action is possibly connected to the arrival of an older man armed with a tape measure and shovel. He walked around, dug a few holes and then left.   The mystery is not him, however,  but the movement of the vacuum cleaner , not to go inside to maybe clean the house?  But no, it is now sitting out in the middle of the lawn.  Solo.   February 19, 2016 February.  Let’s Omit It. February’s (okay, what’s the plural of February  -- Februaries? Februarys?}  Anyhow, more than one February, actually, all the months of February, well, really, every February I have ever lived through has not been my favorite month.  Despite the groundhog’s prediction, winter seems to be hanging on.  The hawk just landed in the tree outside my window as I type, and is proceeding to viciously eviscerate a starling.  The woodpecker  attacked my chimney and a shower of soot flakes came down the  flue and out onto the floor.  On the positive side, the kids across the street managed to build (with the help of many recycling bins) a snow fort out of 2 inches of snow,  which is now slowly melting away.  Anyhow, what should be the shortest month inevitably seems to be the longest. Let Spring arrive! Soon! February 12, 2016 The Fully Functioning Wastebasket.  A Saga.   So this is my world.  New automatic opening, infra red doohickey, wastebasket arrives by FedEx.  I install four new batteries.  Nothing.  I wave my hand per insttructions. Nothing.  I turn it on.  I turn it off.  Nothing.  I put in a new plastic liner (like I know that’s not the trouble, but it’s something I can do).  More nothing.  I take old, non functioning wastebasket, relieve it of its batteries, put them in the new.  Voila!  Lights flash, lids open and close!  Hurray.  So I take out batteries and return them to old basket and again install new batteries in the new basket.  Suddenly the old basket turns on and starts opening its lid.  So now I have two wastebaskets, fully functioning. Go figure. Which all makes as much sense as Trump and Sanders. February 4, 2016 A Total Blank   Things I’ll probably never understand; Why the moon moves around in the sky. A dominant fifth. Childbirth. Republicans. January 29, 2016 A Taxing Job and Joke   Tax preparation time.  Time to get out last year’s and rethink.   Time to recalculate.  Time to make a list as to how I’m going to spend my refund.  Time to get out Turbo Tax for 2015 and install.  Just do it. And to lighten the load, here’s one of my all time favorite jokes, by way of Roger Angell; Teacher; Good morning, class.  This is the first day of school and we’re going to introduce ourselves.  I’ll call on you, one by one, and you can tell us your name and maybe what your dad or mom does for a living. You please, over at this end. Small boy; My name is Irving and my dad is a mechanic. Teacher; A mechanic! Thank you, Irving.  Next? Small girl; My name is Emma and my mom is a lawyer. Teacher; How nice for you, Emma.  Next? Second small boy;  My name is Luke and my dad is dead. Teacher;  O, Luke!  How sad for you.  We’re all very sorry about that, aren’t we, class?  Luke, do you think you could tell us what Dad did before he died? Luke (seizes his throat); He went “N’gungghhh!”   January 22, 2016 A Frightening Forecast   Remember “Sharknado”?  When instead of a tornado, sharks fell out of the sky, wreaking havoc and destruction?  Enter a new word, “curzado”.  A form of currency used in Brazil in the late 18th century.  But eerily akin to “Cruznado”, a word I just made up, describing the national political climate and the presidential candidate Ted Cruz, who seems to be falling from the sky in frightening frequency and causing havoc with reason and destruction of the truth.  He recently asserted that President Obama wants to take away your guns and Planned Parenthood should be defunded.  Not to mention his denial of climate change, his opposition to same sex marriage or his willingness to bomb the Middle East. Oh well.  On to Trumpnado, an even more scary phenomenon. January 15, 2016 Happiness is . . .   Happiness is a warm puppy?  I don’t think so .  It might be warm because it needs to be housebroken, not to mention obedience training, the constant feeding and poop scooping. Happiness at this stage of my life is 1. grandchildren’s honors, awards, accomplishments, performances. 2.  a fire that burns with hardly any poking, tending, blowing or crackling embers falling  onto the floor. 3.  a woodpecker at the feeder.  Likewise a tufted titmouse or a wren that sings. 4.  remembering where I put something. 5.  knees that bend. 6.  a good book. 7.  Oh, did I mention a Beefeater martini???   January 8, 2016 Executive Orders.  Hooray!   Being home all day affords me the privilege of watching live press conferences and events.  So I’m very grateful to have been able to watch President Obama give a reasoned, intelligent, moving speech describing the executive order toward sensible and much needed gun control measures. Obama For President Forever!  And if not, then Hillary!                 Future executive orders;  1. Limit presidential campaigns to six months and one thousand dollars for everything. 2.  Fix the tax code and close the loopholes so rich people pay their share.  3.  With the money saved, pay for higher education for everyone.   And BTW, Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation was an executive order. December 31, 2015 For Auld Lang Syne Happy New Year!   One of my favorite movies -- right up there with “Gone With the Wind” and “Little Women” –  “The Sound of Music”  appeared on TV again last week, just in time for Christmas.  Who can forget “Doe a Deer”, “Edelweiss” or ”The Hills all abound with the sound of music”?  This movie has it all;  family, music, love, politics, freedom, children and sewing clothes out of curtains!  Been there!                 I, for one, am glad 2015 is over. Too much stress on my house, on my knees, my back, my sciatic nerve. On to 2016!  And if Donald Trump is our next president and Hillary is not, I’m packing up and moving to Canada.                 December 25, 2015.  Merry Christmas! Islam is not a dirty word                   After living through a season of Christian carols, church anthems and an occasional Jewish song, it occurs to me that something is missing.  Music from Islam.  I know they have some because I googled it and then heard a high school choir perform it on UTube.                 In this day and age, I’m pretty sure that if our high school started singing Islamic songs at their Spring Concert, someone in the audience would stand up, cite the second amendment, and shoot the music director. But surely, in a quiet and non confrontational way, our children should be exposed to music from other faiths.  Just a thought. December 18, 2015 THOREAU WOULD BE PROUD                   I’m getting rid of almost all my Christmas decorations and accoutrements.  The paper maiche angel head, the size of a football. A glass Rudolph. A red and green stuffed Elf. One window candle powered by one battery that lasted one day. A red and white stuffed Santa. Spool of gold ribbon stiffened with wire.  About 13 inches left. Gold string. A stuffed angel in the guise of a teacher. Ceramic snowman covered in glitter. Cluster of paper maiche bells that do not ring.  They just clunk. All going in a box for Goodwill.  I’m reduced to fresh greenery from the Farm Market and window lights. Much better.  Yeah.  December 11, 2015 No Fly, No Buy   I’m so fed up.  Right after the San Bernardino shooting, Paul Ryan, the new Speaker of the House, gets on CNN and starts talking about “it’s really a mental health issue.”  Then “let’s all step back and give it some time” and finally “we have to think about the constitutionality.”  What baloney.  The issue needs to be addressed now.  No more waiting and reflecting.  We’ve been doing that for years. The constitution has nothing to do with the problem and mental health is only a minor factor.  It’s guns, people.  Assault weapons.  We used to have a ban on them.  Let’s bring that back.  Soon. Hillary - yes, the one and only presidential candidate in the race – said it right.  If we can have a list of people who cannot FLY, then we can have a list of people who cannot BUY assault weapons. Period. So then our legislators in Washington introduce a law defunding Planned Parenthood and Repealing the Affordable Care Act.  Good legislating you numbskulls.  That’s not making laws, that’s destroying laws. Sheeese.  December 4, 2015 Grandpa Steve   Last week there was a National Geographic special “Saints and Strangers” about the Mayflower Pilgrims (I suppose for Thanksgiving) featuring our Great (8) grandpa Steven Hopkins so I felt kinda obligated to watch it. I held on for about 20 minutes of crying, weeping, suffering, raining, Indians! Savages wearing threatening feathers! Arrows! More suffering!  This is entertainment?  Had to turn it off.  Sorry Grandpa Steve!  You’re history! November 27, 2015 Happy Thanksgiving.. I be cooking. November 20, 2015 The Art of Speaking Smart Yes.  You want people to think you are saying something important, something true, accurate and worthy of attention;                 Squint. Pause.  Lower your voice and speak slowly. Or, as my education professor used to do, speak slowly and very deliberately even though  you  really have nothing to say.  Your listeners will slowly glaze over, fidget, or drift away. November 13, 2015 TIME MARCHES ON   Daylight Saving Time ends.  Now it’s dark early.  Time to adjust the outside light.  The first frost last night.  The geraniums are really finished now.  Red, orange and brown leaves float down and clutter the driveway, walks and gutters.  Hummingbirds and robins gone.  Woodchuck comes nosing around and chipmunk fills his cheeks with peanuts and scurries away to his stash under the garage eave. Walmart has opened up its Christmas Shoppe and we’re talking Thanksgiving dinner. Time for the first fire. Yeah! November 6, 2015 Halloween Rant   I’m going through the check out line at Kroger’s on October 31,  and the bagger says “Are you having a nice Halloween?” and I smile and automatically say “Sure” but in my heart I’m saying “Are you nuts?” And then today it happened again, and someone on Facebook says “Did you have a Happy Halloween?” Is Happy Halloween like Merry Christmas?  I don’t even celebrate Halloween.  When you are getting frighteningly close to death, you really are not in the mood to celebrate it.  And why does everyone dress in in a scary costume, and spend tons of money on decorations meant to conjure up ideas of fright,  ghosts, spectral monsters, vampires and werewolves ?  Isn[t life in reality scary enough? What kind of holiday is this when you encourage children to go around begging and then threatening  and then you succumb and give them stuff  with absolutely no nutritional value that will corrode their teeth and make them fat? Bah! Humbug to Halloween, Sweetest Day, and Daylight Saving Time.  God forbid we start saying “Merry Veterans Day” or “Happy Bring Your Daughter to Work Day” Enough already. October 30, 2015 Carpe Diem   Because of my high blood pressure, my health professionals warn that I could go at any moment.  The silent killer , it’s called.   Well, in that case, at 78 …Decision Time.  KRISPY KREME DONUT ANYTIME YOU WANT!  GRAETER’S MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM RIGHT OUT OF THE CARTON! POUR THAT REAL BUTTER ON THE POP CORN!  NO MORE LO CALORIE ANYTHING.  Carpe Diem. October 23, 2015 Feeling the Bern Okay, everyone.  Politiciians, news people, congressmen and women, candidates, voters, people of all ages.  Let’s take a deep breath and stand back.  Now.  Instead of blaming Bush for 9/11, Hillary for Benghazi, or anything else insane, how about thinking about how we can make this country better, safer and fairer?  Could we start with controlling the gun population (background checks for all sales), the people population (funding for planned parenthood and the maintenance of clinics for the poor and needy women especialy in Texas) and attention paid to the mentally ill everywhere? Let’s think forward, not backward.  Let reason prevail. I’m feeling the Bern. October 16, 2015 It’s Greek to Me   Hubris; excessive pride in defiance of the gods.  Do we think we can do a better job at making a human body beautiful? Better than Mother Nature? Or God? Or Whoever?  I see limbs totally disfigured with tattoos, beautiful hair discolored with dyes, noses,  ears and tongues enhanced with metal jewelry and pierced with fake gems. The ancient Greeks knew beauty. They made statues of the human body as they saw it, unadorned (except for a fig leaf or two) and let it shine.  They  also invented hubris and had a healthy respect for it.  Let this be a lesson. October 9, 2015 Get Smart, People Modest steps to reduce gun violence in America   1.  universal background checks 2. tighter regulation of gun dealers 3. 10 year prohibition on possessing guns for anyone convicted of domestic violence, assault or similar offenses 4. weapons that fire only with a PIN or fingerprint 5. microstamping that allows a bullet to be traced back to a particular gun 6. liability insurance for guns, as we do for cars   In light of the shootings in Oregon, legislators;  don’t send us your thoughts and prayers.  Send us LAWS. October 2, 2015 Too Many Days Last week  we had Daughters Day.   What?  Hallmark has invented another holiday so we can go out and buy a card?  Like Secretaries Day?  Sweetest Day?  Where is Sons Day? How about favorite Librarian Day? Pizza Delivery Guy Day?  Give Me a Break Day? September 25, 2015 An Age Old Story  When asked about my age, I used to say, jokingly, “I’m as old as God.”  Well, it turns out,  I’m as old as the pope.  You can’t get much closer than that. September 18, 2015 Frustrating week without the computer.  No mail, no shopping, tech guys can't seem to show up when they say, always 2 or 3 days off, but finally it's back and I'll be more coherent next week. September 11, 2015 Perennial Pollyanna I seem to have tattooed on my forehead “Ignore This Woman”.  And the older I get, the more brazen it becomes.  This summer has been the Age of Ignorius.  First the plumbers, then the excavators and now the computer technicians.  Oh well.  Fuggedaboudit.  I’ll adjust.  On the up side, the grass is growing back, only one boxwood died, I can use the useless disc tray to hold my post it notes and I saved money on the repair.  Always Pollyanna. Attention Faithful Followers My computer goes in for repair this week.  So I may not be able to publish.  On the other hand, I may get lucky and have it back by Friday. September 4, 2015 New Normal A recent Facebook listing describes a house for sale; older ranch, three bedrooms and one bath.  Wait a sec!  One bath?  Hello!  Try again.  Of all my grandchildren, only two share a bathroom. Everyone else has his own.  And the new apartments going up nearby, each person has his/her own bath.  It’s the new normal.  Along with everyone has a cell phone and you get your social security number when you’re BORN!  Progress.  A good thing. August 28, 2015 Narcissistic Bloviation   Concerning Donald Trump.  From the New York Times, David Axelrod and Maureen Dowd; “He’s won the swimsuit competition.  Now it’s time for the talent show.” June 15, 2007 “Keep the Headlights Burning, and Both Hands Upon the Wheel; Let Me Call You Sweetheart, I’m In Love With Your Automobile” In the latest No. 1 Ladies’Detective Agency Series by Alexander McCall Smith Mma Ramotswe describes Botswana; “somewhere there, in that land of red earth, of green acacia, of cattle bells, was the soul of her country.”      So I’m wondering, what is the soul of OUR country? Apple pie? Mom? Freedom and Democracy? No, I’m inclined to think it’s the automobile. We destroy the landscape to accomodate it, we spend billions to create highways so we can drive it somewhere, five story parking garages take up whole city blocks, we build a three car garage and then, oh yeah, a house behind it.  In my case, my car payment is larger than the mortgage payment, I spend as much time keeping it clean and spiffy as I do myself (check ups, special diet) and my city has an ordinance that you must pave over your lawn so the students have a place to park.      People!  Come to your senses! Go take a hike!  Take the kids on a picnic!  Visit a national park!  Of course, you’ll have to drive to get there. June 8, 2007 MYOB/Mind Your Own Business Why are we so uptight about Iran having nuclear capability?  We ourselves have plenty of nuclear energy.  Who are we to say they cannot? Iran: We’re only producing nuclear energy. World: Okay, we believe you.  Proceed. Iran: Oh!  Guess what? Now we have a nuclear bomb and . . . World: And what? You’re a liar? Iran: We’re going to bomb Israel. World: Hello!  Twenty-first century here!  We all know what the fallout, both physical and economic, would be if you actually dropped the bomb.  Radiation drifting over all the Middle East, including yourselves, and what’s more WORLD CLASS SHAME!  We think NOT. Iran: Oh. OK. June 1, 2007 Remembering Memorial Day The first Memorial Day honored the soldiers who died in the Civil War and this year, ironically, we’re honoring those who have died fighting in someone else’s civil war.  But what matters is that we remember those who have died.  And this is not an original idea. I happen to be reading the Odes of Horace, from the first century B.C. who writes about honoring those who have died on the battlefield or from forces of Nature. And what is even more mind boggling is that Horace, way before electricity, telephones, cars or computers and had thoughts so universal. “aequa lege Necessitas sortitur insignis et imos, omne capax movet urna nomen.” “Fate with an even hand chooses the high and the low. The all encompassing urn touches every name.” Or, in modern lingo, “None of us will get out of this alive.” And so I celebrated Memorial Day, like all good Americans,...and went shopping. May 25, 2007 David Letterman’s Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information The human brain is 80% water. Harry Truman would often go on vacation and have his twin Larry take his place. Global warming is due to a batch of faulty thermometers. Zorro can slash the numeral “2”.  Or an “N” lying down. The Book of Leviticus contains a recipe for broccoli polenta. Thomas Mann wrote DEATH IN VENICE after being murdered in Italy. Phil Donahue thinks his show is in hiatus, waiting for new carpeting. J. Edgar Hoover’s last words were “I’m not dead, don’t close the co—“ May 18, 2007 With apologies to whoever started this; YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM OXFORD WHEN The population is 75% under the age of 25 and they never get any older. You have homecoming in a gym, prom in a dining hall, high school plays are in a cafeteria and graduation on a basketball court. People ask you where you live and you reply, “I live in a drinking town with a college problem.” Everyone knows what “Kill em and hide em “ is. You, your parents and your grandparents had Mr. Kober in class. Diversity means bringing in an exchange student from Reily. Your high school reunion is called “townie night.” May 11, 2007 Life – the Greatest Show on Earth A haunting picture from a couple of years ago –a young woman, walking down South College Avenue, tears streaming down her face. And now again, last week, another young woman walking past my house, crying and talking on her cell phone. Does this happen in other towns? Or is it just in a college town, where relationships are fragile or where life is just a little unreal?      Yesterday, a young man, baseball cap on backwards, plugged into his IPod was seen running rhymthically along the sidewalk on Walnut Street and juggling three balls in the air at the same time. And then today, last day of the school year and traditionally Moving Out Day, the dogs next door begin to bark and a girl comes sailing down the street in a rolling desk chair, laughing wildly as she twirls around, careening from car to car. I’m almost disappointed that she’s not crying, talking on her cell or juggling. What a circus life is! May 4, 2007 No Hits, No Runs, All Errors I want to make it clear, right up front, that I’m not laughing AT them. I’m not laughing WITH them, either, because they, for the most part, are not laughing. Maybe laughing FOR them, oh, all right, laughing AT them, but they’re so cute.  I’m talking Tee ball.      We started out with an exhibition game of two innings on the city’s finest ball park with the bases about halfway to the real base. This was fine.  But then came the REAL game on the definitely second rate tee ball diamond -- no bleachers, no bat holders, no shade, actually, no umpire. But let the game begin. The whole team takes the field.  And since the ball rarely makes it out of the infield, the fielders are placed in a  semi circle behind the bases.  First inning, they’re all ready, squatting in position with “alligator mouth” gloves at the ready.  Every team member bats.  Since it’s four to six year olds, some are decidedly better than others.  No strikes.  They just keep swinging until it’s a hit.  So the four year old, Jack, is fine for one inning.  But then attention starts to wander.  By the second inning, some fielders are sitting down, picking at the grass, or playing with the dirt.  Jack enjoys standing on the bag, jumping up and down, watching the little white puffs.  Our catcher, all suited up and hardly able to bend over, likes to watch the ball come to her.  So as the runners are progressing, she’s standing, glove ready, waiting for the ball to slowly, really slowly, dribble towards her.  All eyes, parents, grandparents, siblings, are fixated on the slow moving ball.  Will it make it to the glove or will it stop?  Or will she take a step forward and pick it up?  Oh, the drama. They’re all primed to throw to first base. Our first baseman, who by now is more interested in something in right field, is shocked into action by the ball heading his way and as he raises his hand in self defense, the ball takes a bounce and lands plunk in the middle of his glove.  It’s one of the only real catches of the game, and we’re all astonished, especially the first baseman. There are no outs.  We just keep going through the lineup. Finally in the third inning, a couple of base runners get put out. No one really cares, of course, because no one is counting, either outs or runs. There are no outs by catching fly balls because no one can catch. It’s mostly watching it land in front of you and then falling on it.  There are several tussles when two fielders want the same ball. And of course by the third inning, everyone is tired.  Jack keeps coming to the fence, asking Mandy if it’s time to go home yet.  But, mercifully,  the three innings are over, the ritual lining up and high fiving the other team and then the SNACK!  Jack’s comment on the way home, “It’s too long.”  Will he make it through the summer?  Two games a week. Stay tuned.      April 27, 2007 The Blog Doth Break Up We all know that language is a living entity.  Words are born (blog) and words die (doth).  They also take on new meanings. In my generation,  “party” involved invitations, special food, decorations, balloons, streamers and a time frame, like Friday afternoon from 5 to 7.  That party still exists, of course, but somewhere, just about when our firstborn entered high school, “party” went from a noun to a verb.  He was out “partying”, home by 2 a.m. and sleep til noon.  Now anyone can “party” in the presence of a keg and loud music.      So it is with “breaking up.”  It used to be that breaking up involved the dissolution of a personal relationship.  That still happens, of course, but now my cell phone can “break up” and last week, my DVR was recording pictures that were out of focus and transmitting composites of unrelated blocks and squares and the helpful Cable Man (on the phone, probably from India) told me it was “breaking up” and proceeded to fix it.      BTW, my first “break up” happened the night of my Senior Prom.  Are you still alive, Bruce Dalrymple? April 20, 2007 From David Letterman’s Washington Bureau of Miscellaneous Facts Two of the Three Dog Night died after eating tainted pet food. The Hawaian alphabet has only 12 letters. Seven out of 10 people believe positive thinking extends life.  The other 3 are dead. April 13, 2007 Bill Who?      I saw Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico, on CNN last week.  He was in North Korea, trying to get the remains of American soldiers from the Korean War to be returned home.  I was in awe, that here was an American actually talking to the “enemy.”  He was successful and he was asked about the negotiations and he said that he didn’t negotiate with the Koreans because the North Koreans don’t negotiate or even think that way.  FINALLY!  Someone who goes to the trouble to find out how the enemy thinks and is willing to sit down and talk.  Say, isn’t he running for President? April 6, 2007 From David Letterman’s Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information In addition to X-ray vision, Superman can guess your weight within 5 pounds. Nine out of ten visitors to Delaware are there as a result of a wrong turn. One third of the explorers who reached both the North and South Poles developed bipolar disorder. March 30, 2007 March Madness A little Madness in the Spring Is wholesome even for the King. Emily Dickinson!  You Go Girl!! March 23, 2007 What a Trip! New improvement for long distance driving!  A car that has the middle seat in the back on some kind of device that allows it to move forward so the driver can reach the (presumably) child and give it his bottle, tie his shoelace, slap him on the head for not drinking his V8, adjust his portable CD player, etc. etc.  If only Gareth had had that on his epic nine hour drive from Wisconsin, alone with two little girls who were strapped into their car seats and surrounded by boxes of toys. Picture this indomitable father, stuck in Chicago traffic, driving with one hand and holding a picture book with the other, reading to the kids in the back seat! and this was before the CD player!      Beep beep beep!  Back up 35 years and picture a family of seven, jammed into a station wagon, on a twelve hour drive to Grandma’s, no air conditioning, no entertainment except the car radio, and that same little boy in the “way back”, carefully tossing what few toys we had and various shoes out the rear window which was open a crack in spite of the carbon monoxide poisoning because we had to have AIR.      How did we survive? March 16, 2007       Useless But True Things I’ve Learned This Week You can grow lettuce in nothing but water and a few pills. When Paul Revere rode through the countryside, he did not yell “The British are coming!” but instead he cried “The Regulars are Out!” The North Star is not always the same. A widgeon is not related to a pigeon but is actually a DUCK! March 9, 2007               Daylight Saving...Say it isn’t so! My first hint was when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw on  the High School sign the words “Daylight Saving” and I thought it was some joke or dreadfully bad timing. But that night Katie Couric included it in the news and sure enough, it is this weekend. What nincompoop in Congress decided to change Daylight Saving Time to March?       What, pray tell, is the point? So we can shovel snow in the daylight? Turning off all the lightbulbs in the country an hour earlier is not going to solve the energy problem. It’s heating that takes energy. If moving the date earlier meant it gets warmer sooner, that would be great.    And why wasn’t I told about it? So I run to my calendars, and there it is.  Someone obviously told THEM. The big question now...has anyone told my computer? my DVR? my cell phone? March 1, 2007 Top Ten Signs of Spring, Finally 10. Racoon has returned 9. Neighbor who goes to Florida for the winter has also returned 8. Ice cap on my patio is receding. 7. Tanning beds are filled to capacity with Miami students getting ready for Spring Break (what happened to the idea that you go to Florida to GET tanned?) 6. Flip flops and shorts are back on the street. 5. Grackles have returned (robins, the traditional harbinger of Spring have been here all winter). 4. Easter Bunny pictures in catalogues. 3. Wood pile is diminishing. 2. Rain, not snow. And the number one sign of Spring; GREEN BEER DAY!! February 23 Ouch! Did I say winter was beautiful? Hellooo! Well, yes, it is beautiful, but after a week of single digit cold and 8 inches of snow compounded by 2 inches of solid ice, all I can say is, winter hurts.        My joints hurt when it’s cold, my shoulder hurts from all that shoveling, my back hurts from the snow blower which, by the way, does NOT work on ice. I’m tired of the ten minute ritual of getting ready to go out and the twenty minute ritual of taking everything off, cleaning up the salt, drying the mittens and boots, and on and on.      Up further north, Molly was home from school for a whole week and in her pajamas for three days. While further south, I can hear the Floridians chortling.      The good news. Southern Ohio winters don’t last more than a few weeks and 40 degrees are predicted by Monday. The birds are busier and more prolific than ever. I saw a beautiful mockingbird yesterday, and a huge black crow. In winter I can see the birds more easily, and there’s nothing like a bright red cardinal on a snowy branch. So I guess the good news outweighs the bad. And . . . it is beginning to melt.      February 16, 2007 Incident at the Pearly Gates St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates.  Along comes a man with a shock of unruly white hair who says he’s Albert Einstein. St. Peter says, “Do you have any identification?”  Einstein says, “No, but here . . .” and he pulls out paper and pencil and begins to scribble equations. St. Peter takes one look and says, “I’m convinced. Go on in.”      Along comes a man who says he’s Picasso. St. Peter says, “Do you have any identification?” Picasso says, “No, but . . .” and he pulls out a drawing pad and proceeds to make sketches of his work.  “I’m convinced”, says St. Peter. “Go on in.”      Along comes George W. Bush. “I’m George W. Bush” he says. “Do you have any identification?” asks St. Peter. “I had to ask Einstein and Picasso for theirs.”      “Who’s Einstein? Who’s Picasso?”      “I’m convinced,” says St. Peter. “Go on in.” February 9, 2007 Eureka!      Aha!  Now I get it!  It’s the age old problem – real men don’t ask for directions.  George W!  Hello!  You be lost!  Ask for directions!  and then follow them! February 2, 2007 HUGE MISTAKES Starting an afghan consisting of 25 squares and completing nine, seven of which are different sizes, colors and just FORGET IT! Ordering from a catalogue a $400 lamp that looks nice but because of a design flaw, after being on for more than five minutes, reaches a temperature close to the boiling point and has to be turned off using an oven mitt. Spending $3 on a leather fly swatter, hand tooled by a Native American with original design, a lovely piece of leather attached to a natural tree twig and utterly useless; by the time the leather hits the wall, the fly is halfway to Mexico. “W” January 26, 2007   Pick a title; Remotely disconnected Not even remotely competent Remotely impaired Panic button disease Picture this; I’m sitting on the floor in front of my TV, VCR and Cable DVD Box, surrounded by three  multi-paged manuals written in at least three languages, none of which are in an English I comprehend, and holding three remote controls, all powered by two AAA batteries (I can do that) and somehow causing my TV to go completely snowcovered with the accompanying BLAAHHHHHH. After an hour of button pushing, remote control shaking, heart stopping frustration, i.e. nothing, I call my friendly Cable Guy, who very patiently has me running around the house (thank goodness for my cordless phone) checking other TV’s, going to my TV and actually pushing buttons on the console (I’ve never done that before), now do this, now do that, wait a minute, what does this display say, do I have the time? press this, press that, then VOILA! It’s all fixed.      So I gather up the manuals, retire two of the remotes to the electronics closet and vow never to push another button in desperation again.  Or at least until tomorrow. January 19, 2007 Global Warming?      Where is the snow?  Nothing but snow showers this year?  This is pathetic. Teachers and students are disappointed, waiting for their snow day, and my new snow blower is gathering dust. Can we blame “W” for this? January 12, 2007 TOP TEN CATEGORIES 10. Books I’m sorry I bought. 9. Stupid things I’ve done. (Oh, much too large.) 8. Things I have thrown through a window I thought was open but was actually closed. (Probably too small.) 7. Meals I’ll never make again. 6. Meals I’ll make at least once a week. 5. People crossed off my Christmas list. (Ooh, that’s an ugly one.) 4. Seinfeld episodes that are classic. 3. Lists I wish I wasn’t on. 2. Places I’ll never go on vacation again. (Las Vegas?) And the number one category; 1. Ways to waste time. And in that category, Top Ten Categories! Happy New Year, January 4, 2007! Grandogs and Grandcats Even though I really don’t care for dogs (the slobber, the smell, the pleading, servile expression) my grandogs are inexplicably attracted to me and attempt to climb into my lap even though some are 100 plus pounds.  I actually like my grandogs, probably because I don’t have to feed them or attend to their business. And they go home.      My grandcats are less friendly, of course, being cats, and my memory of a grandcat is Charlie (or Chester, or Arthur), who resented my presence in his house and kept leaving little protest deposits all around the house while I was occupying the guest room.  Sorry, Charlie! December 29, 2006                Christmas Tree Thoughts My Dad’s job was to go get the tree, and he never mastered the art of picking out a good one; it was too skinny, too fat, it was crooked, lopsided, too small, too big. But we’d put it up anyway and proceed to decorate it; too much angel hair, too many orange lights, tinsel not arranged artfully, too much ARGUING!      When I finally got married and got my own tree, it was a lot easier. Brit was good at picking out trees.  But every year he would proudly announce the purchase of one more really ugly ornament. Big, glitzy, silver shiny blobs...oh well. When he left, I promptly gave all the ornaments to the kids.    So now my perfectly shaped tree arrives from North Carolina by UPS in a box the size of an elongated umbrella stand.  I set it up in its own stand, decorate it with oldfashioned lights and homemade cookies and wooden ornaments perfected by a local craftsman.      I really thought I had finally reached Christmas Tree Nirvana until I read the accompaning letter which stated the tree was 15 years old.  Uh oh. I’ve caused the death of a teen ager?  So I have constructed a rational that I hope will ease my conscience. This tree, which would have spent it’s natural life on a boring tree farm, brings joy and happiness and beauty to everyone in my living room and beyond for a month. Then it provides cover for the birds in my back yard until it completely dies in the summer. And as a final service, it is chopped up and used for kindling all the next winter. Thanks, Fraser!   December 21, 2006   Ode to My Leather Jacket Laytex and banlon, nylon and vertex Polyester, acrylic, down and spandex Fleece, pile and vortex, duck down and more Acetate, plush lining, and velvet velour; Warmest coat I’ve ever been in? Animal skin. Litter, All Over Again Our esteemed Oxford City Council is considering legislation that would ban outdoor Beer Pong, a current college craze that involves cups of beer on a table on the  outside porch, and the inevitable litter, not to mention drunken kids. Of course it’s ridiculous.  Students will drink somehow and soon there’ll be some other game, just as, if not more, obnoxious.  We have ordinances against public intoxication and littering, so what else is new? In fact, nothing.  When I arrived here in 1965, Mr. M___ (I have learned not to name names) had a house on Sycamore St. that was completely filled with broken TV’s and radios.  A WWII vet, he spent his time with electronic repairs.  We had a small, black and white TV and at one point it stopped, so we brought it over. By that time the old covers, shells of their former life, electrical inner workings, tubes, cords, were spilling out onto his porch. He had an unusual method of doing business. He couldn’t bring himself to say he couldn’t repair it.  Instead he would lend you a working TV and you never saw your own again.  Whose we were really watching was always a mystery.  Possbily someone was watching ours. Then we did without a TV for a while, until the Watergate Hearings, and we called Mr. M____ to rent one.  No problem.  The problem came when we were done and wanted to return it.  He came but wouldn’t take money. “PLEASE!  We’ve had it for two months.  Take $5!   PLEASE!” Actually he lived in another house a few blocks away, but that one, too, became filled with dysfunctional TV’s which spilled out onto his lawn and the neighbors complained about the litter and there you are.     December 8, 2006 TO GET READY FOR WINTER   Top Ten Things To Do To Get Ready For Winter;   10. Have wood delivered and stacked in the garage. 9. Have furnace checked and filter changed. 8. Clean gutters. 7. See that all storm windows are closed tightly. 6. Stock up on bird seed. 5. Unscrew hose and store in in garage. 4. Hang up lawn mower (yeah!) 3. Take in porch swing cushion. 2. Wonder at the shades of gray at night and the billions of black twigs now forming a lacy sky where the green cover used to be.   And the number one thing to do to get ready for winter;   Check out the fat wrens, the bushy tailed squirrels and wait for the first snowflake. December 1, 2006 COUGHING, SNEEZING ATTACK        At lunch yesterday in a nice restaurant, my friend was taken with a coughing, sneezing fit, common in Southwestern Ohio because of allergies.  At first we politely ignored her, but as it continued we couldn’t pretend she was all right.  So there followed gestures of sympathy, offers of water, Heimlich manuver? several bad jokes that just prolonged the agony, then embarrassed silence as we endured this unseemly display of dysfunctional bodily functions.      It sometimes happened to me at school in front of my class, where the choking, gasping, wheezing and sneezing forced me to leave the room. Bewildered students looked at each other. Where is she going? Is she okay? And then they silently sat through the noise, amplified by the emptiness of the hall, really loud, ferocious coughing, spitting, harrumphing, water fountain slurping, bringing teachers out of their rooms, until finally I was cleared and ready to resume. SORRY!          November 24, 2006 IMBY (In My Back Yard)   Things seen in my back yard – my back yard is the size of a large pool table – and not all at the same time.   a pair of men’s briefs beer can frisbee sign that says “1/100th of an acre wood” (my contribution) dead cat (six inches under) 3 feral cats two squirrel’s tails robins, blue jays, cardinals, sparrows, chickadees, wrens, juncos, red bellied woodpeckers, flickers, crows, tufted titmice,nuthatches, catbirds, thrashers, American redstarts, hooded warblers, cowbirds, finches, grackles, starlings, doves and hawks (ha ha). oppossum mother and baby raccoons and babies meter man totally strange man running      November 17, 2006 NOMLRF (not on my living room floor)        After reading THE PLACES IN BETWEEN by Rory Stewart, a young man who walks across Afghanistan and survives in spite of abuse from villagers, threats from the Taliban and other tribal elders, I was amazed that in this day and age there are people who are still isolated, ignorant, unwashed and patheticaly poor.  I am also amazed that this man had no reservations (no hotels) and still found a place to stay every night for a month thanks to the Muslim law that you have to take in a traveler and feed him as well.  While some of the villagers were less than gracious -- he was pelted with stones by little boys and his dog was attacked by other dogs -- he was ultimately never turned away.      But if you think about it, you don’t have to be a Muslim to not turn away a stranger.  Once, when we had first moved to our house on Spring Street, Brit was taking out the rubbish, and came back inside to announce that an itinerant couple was outside and he had invited them to spend the night on our living room floor because they had no place to stay.  Oxford, in those days, was frequently host to homeless stragglers who were wandering from Indianapolis or some place West, to Cincinnati or some place East.  The Methodist Church often had itinerants sleeping under the stairs.  I, of course, neither Muslim nor charitable, had a fit (they could rob us! kill us! give us germs!) and so Brit drove them to the closest motel and paid for their stay.      The question is -- whether you live on Park Ave, New York, or in Bath, Indiana, if someone came to your door and said “I need a place to spend the night”, would you let him in? Auguat 18, 2006                             Swan Song        I could rant and rave about the heightened homeland security, the humiliating airport routines or man's inhumanity to man.  I could get really mad about how inefficient government is.  Why don't we have a national ID that would get us through airport security like a fast pass at Disney?       Or I could seek serenity in the ancient art of towel origami and create a swan for the bathroom...       The Swan Wins!!!   A couple of the ladies are clearly out of step. August 11, 2006 The Naked Lady Revue        Jack comes running through the house, all excited. "Grammy! Grammy! Your flowers are awake!"      Ah yes, my favorite August phenomenon, the Naked Ladies!  Amaryllis belladonna are the first to poke their large, flat green leaves through the snows in the spring, who grow so profusely that Black Kitty can hide under the foliage, waiting for a sparrow to fall from the feeder above. Throughout the summer the leaves miraculously disappear, and one day, like yesterday, up come the naked ladies, with tall,green stems and then pink, lily-like flowers, opening every day with more and more flourish.  Today they are all leaning to the right, probably gasping for sunlight, but as if they have their own song and they're dancing with delight. And if for a moment the jays would stop screeching and the humming birds humming, we might hear the Naked Ladies Chorus Line. "On the count of three," sings out the Naked Lady in Charge. "Lean to the left, Ladies!"       August 4, 2006       Backhoes and tractors and trucks! Oh My!            After eight granddaughters and years of quietly playing house, dressing dolls, coloring and crafts, suddenly I have three grandsons and we're into cars, trucks and how things work.  In a playroom full of dolls, games and American Girl outfits, the boy is more interested in the fan.  How does it turn on?  Off? What an interesting sound it makes! And nobody taught the boys how to run and make noise. They just do it.  I guess that's why "boys" rhymes with "noise" and "girls" rhymes with "pearls" and "curls".         July 28, 2006 I'm a genius. I've just made up a new word and its time has come.  GOOGABLE.  Meaning, "able to be googled." Is that not perfect or what?  Pencil it into your dictionary!   Furthermore, I'm tired of watching people all over the world kill each other with explosives, artillery, pistols, rifles: whoever invented guns ought to be shot.   July 21, 2006 STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES       Remember Ferdinand, the Bull?  A Munro Leaf creation for children with those wonderful illustrations by Robert Lawson of a bull in Spain who prefers to sit under a tree, smelling the flowers, while his contemporaries run and jump and butt heads, preparing for their day in the arena? So they grow up and one day the men with funny hats from Madrid come to choose their bulls.  All the other bulls run and jump and butt heads, trying to look fierce, while Ferdinand wanders off to his favorite tree. Uh oh!  He accidentally sits on a bee and suddenly he is jumping, running, snorting, cavorting and butting his head in a most ferocious manner.  And to make a short story even shorter, he is brought to the arena in Madrid, where all the Senoritas are wearing flowers in their hair, and Ferdinand can do nothing but sit and smell the flowers and in the end he is brought back to his field and favorite tree. Beatissimus est! In light of all the killing, saber rattling, posturing and threatening in the current news, I'm thinking that Ferdinand is a perfect model for world leaders.  Stop the snorting and cavorting, bloviating and butting heads. Everyone put down their arms, spend some time under a tree and smell the flowers. And bring along a peace treaty while you're at it.       July 14, 2006                              Patriotism! Yes! Fourth of July Parades.  Are they the same all over the USA?  Certainly the ones I have seen in Mass. or New York many years ago didn't really differ much from the one we had here in Ohio last week.  Ours began with the police cruiser inching its way down High Street, lights flashing and driver waving.  Then came the mayor and town council in a spiffy white horse drawn carriage. Next, several fire trucks, horns blasting, lights whirling.  Then the whole Fire Department from Reily, some trucks carrying cheerleaders. Then more cheerleaders...first and second graders, then third and fourth grade cheerleaders.  Good heavens!  If they all become cheerleaders there won't be any teams. Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Congressional candidates, Kiwanis float throwing candy to the crowd, the Veterans, Kyger's Motors, Doug Ross and his dog, the decorated bikes, the decorated pets and Fiesta Hair Salon float (really, just someone's pick up with a sign). And right at the heart of the parade come a dozen or so members of the Oxford Citizens for Peace and Justice, a radical group that protests just about anything Republican, that has stood uptown every Saturday since the Iraq debacle began, quietly holding signs and banners urging our troops to come home.  So here they are, sandwiched between the fire departments and the boy scouts, and really, that's what the Fourth of July is all about, the freedom to speak up, to disagree, and still be respected citizens. Hooray for the Red, White and Blue!           July 6, 2006 BRRRRRR             Top ten hints that your AC is too cold;       10. You wake up huddled under the down comforter. 9. Temperature is 58. 8. Knitting needles are cold to the touch. 7. Steam rises from your tuna salad. 6. You avoid the toilet seat. 5. Wet sneakers, placed on the vent to dry, stay wet and develop an icy coating. 4-1. You haven't turned it up yet???                 June 30, 2006 THE TWICE BURIED DOG             The dog with the biggest male organ in the world has just been even more buried under 6 feet of dirt.  My neighbor, who prostituted the lovely Victorian home which shares a back yard with mine by adding a 4 bedroom addition for student rental, recently hired a huge truck load (not a Whistle Stop dainty dump truck but a Dingledine Excavating monster truck) of dirt which was then spread out over his back yard (practically my back yard ) by the agile backhoe operator who's not a day under 75 and hence over the burial spot of  the orange colored mongrel mutt with the biggest MO in the canine and possible mammalian world.  It was so big he could hardly walk and when he died Bill buried him in the back yard and he and his (second) wife were walking back from the doggie funeral, shovel in hand, and both crying. A precious moment from my life, now buried and probably best forgotten.           June 23, 2006 The Rule of the Closet       For several years now, I have abided by the Rule of the Closet; if I add something, like a new tee shirt, I then throw out an old one that hasn't been worn for at least a year. If this isn't done, I would have a closet stuffed, overcrowded and filled with useless, outdated and over time, downright ugly clothes. This is the principle of zero population growth, of course, and also can be applied to books.  If I buy a book and decide to keep it, then out goes one of equal size.  What's the point of having shelves after shelves of books that I've already read and when I can get the same information on the internet? Most importantly, I would like to see this same principle applied to the landscaping of the world.  If we build one more building, take up one more acre of green space with a big box, a convenience store or a gas station, then we should tear down a useless garage, an empty shed, and plant grass and trees. Stop putting up big, ugly structures without equal time and space for Mother Nature. Let's follow the Rule of the Closet.  Let's make it the law. Even better, amend the Constitution!           June 16, 2006 CARS (the movie)              I know almost nothing about NASCAR racing (although I did attend the 24 hour race at Le Mans a hundred years ago) and my idea of a pit stop is "Who has to go?" or "Last chance to go for the next 200 miles!".  Nevertheless, I got some of the jokes (Bob Cutlass?  Carburetor Ally?) and enjoyed thoroughly the antics of Tow Mater, Sally Porsche and numerous others in Disney's latest movie, CARS.      Not only is it chock-a-block full of old cars like Tin Lizzies, Buicks and Hudsons, but old fashoned ideas as well (it is Disney after all); love, goodness, generosity, white walled tires, Rte. 66, and natural beauty versus Hollywood glitz.      Finally, it confirms what I have suspected all along.  Cars are People! We name them, talk to them, (C'mon Baby!),feed them, put them to bed at night and nowadays they even talk back (Beep beep, you've forgotten your keys!)      So even though it was a little long, especially for a four year old, CARS gets a three thumbs up from Grandma Tally! I'd go see it again if it wasn't so LOUD.     June 9, 2006   Iraqi Solution II     The situation in Iraq is simply untenable.  And since no one is taking up my previous suggestion that we all take a week off, pick up our tv's and AC's and go live with an Iraqi family for a while, I have another idea.  Really, a better one.      Divide Iraq into three states, as they are practically now...Kurds in the north, Sunni in the middle, Shia in the south.  Keep the democratically elected Federal government and keep the oil business run by the Federal government. Divide the revenues from oil equally among the states according to population.      Take the Coalition Forces and put them along the two borders between the states.  Check all entrances and exits. No bombs allowed. Also use Iraqi police for the borders.  Have the state governments (elected or chosen) deal with the federal.  Take the money saved and start building hospitals, schools, banks, MacDonalds's, whatever.  The young men will have something to do and violence will greatly decrease.      As things quiet down, commerce and transportation between the states can be allowed, all with the proper documentation and inspection for explosives.      Finally, impeach George W., get rid of Rummy and elect Maya Angelou President. Gosh. How easy was that?   June 2, 2006 MORE INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT BIRDS         Birds have a higher body temperature than mammals of similar size. If you could take a robin’s temperature, for example, the thermometer would read 104 degrees to 111 degrees.     In comparison to animals of similar size, birds have hearts that are larger than all other vertebrates and can be double the size of mammalian hearts.     High performance hearts: birds can more fully drain their ventricles, thus increasing blood flow.  A drawback of such high performance  is very high blood pressure and makes birds susceptible to heart failure at times of high stress.  Another good reason not to scare birds...they might have a heart attack.     Birds can get hot, just like you and I do. They lack sweat glands, and perspire through the skin.  They also pant. They become less active during the day, they bathe, or seek shady resting spots.     Birds’ eyes: fantastic!  They are so large relative to their skulls that there is no room left to rotate them as we can; birds just turn their heads frequently to align their field of view.  On average, birds can see two to three times more sharply than humans and some raptors can sight small prey more than a mile away.  They also have color vision, probably superior to humans.     Birds have ears, just not the outside floppy things we have, and generally hear better than we do. Woodpeckers, for example, can hear grubs moving under the bark of a tree.     Bird sounds; again, fantastically more efficient than our pitiful larynx.  Birds have two separate tracheal tubes, and can thus produce two sounds at once, creating its own duet.  BTW, song birds have to LEARN their songs.         May 26, 2006                     It's Poetry Month       Leaves, floating down from the roof Not green or red or yellow from the maple tree But leaves of paper from a notebook.     Girls, sunbathing, studying and writing At the same time Perched on the sloping, shingled roof Of the Gray's house back porch     Suddenly peering cautiously over the gutter Dismay In a minute, running out the door Frantically gathering up each leaf Hoping to preserve the thoughts, words, sentences Carefully compiled to complete an Essay on blah, blah, blah     They pluck the precious leaves from Bushes, driveways, the gutter     And I go out to help them retrieve Their Take Home Exam for English 312.   May 19, 2006                      The Shoe       There's a shoe on the roof of the house next door A boot, really, a workman's shoe With laces and scuffs and tongue askew Where's the other one? Don't you need your boots for work? How did it get there? Will it ever get down? I guess it will.  Three plastic lawn chairs found a way last year.       May 12, 2006 Spring Again?           Good news at last!  Spring has arrived!  All the leaves that are going to be, are. The tree across the street probably will not make it, as will not the twig over my dryer vent.   I woke this morning to hear a cardinal singing his little heart out. "Woody, woody, woody, choo choo choo", NOT "What? cheer cheer cheer" as Peterson's field guide suggests. He was perched on the peak of the porch, possibly singing to the single shoe left on the roof of the house across the street. The students moved out yesterday and are gone for the summer.      The bad news; it's still cold and this week looks to highs in the low 60's.  What kind of spring is that? The Farmer's Almanac has the answer. "A cold May is kindly and fills the barn finely." Yeah!  Bring on the spinach and strawberries!     May 5, 2006                                      MANY SPORTS, MANY GODS          There are many religions with multiple gods; Shinto, Wicca, Classical Greek for starters. But it turns out, so it is with American Christianity.          We have a God of Football, God of High School Tennis, (there is no God of Golf, as yet), and especially a God of Baseball.  Jimmy Piersall, of the Boston Red Sox, used to make the sign of the cross over home plate every time he came up to bat. Was God watching?  Modern day baseball players love to signal their thanks to God as they round third heading for home after a home run. (Or is it thanks to the God of Steroids?)          So how do we explain the Red Sox letting the Son of God, Johnny (Jesus) Damon go to the Damn Yankees? WHAT? The Bosox might as well quit now.  Their season is doomed.    April 28, 2006 IN HARM'S WAY            What a quaint expression!  Lately it has been used by George W. Bush to describe his actions as Commander in Chief as he sends our troops to Iraq. Actually, IN HARM'S WAY was a 1965 John Wayne movie about WWII and of course it all turns out hunky dory and the Commander gets the girl and foils the enemy.  So George W. says he's putting our young men and women "In Harm's Way", as if it's like being bitten by a mosquito or stubbing your toe instead of being MAIMED and KILLED and LOSING LIMBS! Grrrrr.     April 21, 2006         Cartoon from the New Yorker by P. Byrnes          High up in a tree, Mom and Dad Bird are peering over the edge of their nest. Mother Bird says, "I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch." No moral.  No lesson.  Just a little Spring Break Ha Ha.     April 14, 2006 "It's All Right to Cry"          Spent a good part of last weekend watching grandaughter Emily in a production of "Free to be You and Me". Remember that 70's show by Marlo Thomas et al.? With those groundbreaking ideas that Mommies could be plumbers and William could play with a doll?      Thirty years and have we made any progress?  The good news is there are more women in Congress and business, and several forward looking countries have women heads of state. The bad news is we have a long way to go. The most prosperous nation in the world (us) still has only white males in blue suits for presidents.  Laura and Lynn, our national models, are content to still walk behind their men (so to speak) and enjoy "Desperate Housewives".  Think how much technology has progressed in the past 30 years compared to how far women have made it out of the kitchen.      You go girls!      April 7, 2006 Immigrant jobs            There's something wrong with George W. (Oh, my heavens, where do I begin?) It's when he says we need to have the illegal immigrants in this country to do the jobs Americans are unwilling to do themselves.      Wait a sec!  I think that is so insulting.  Yeah, come on into our country and clean out our stables and pick up our trash.  That's all you're good for.  If we can send men to the moon, why don't we invent machines to do the jobs we don't like and let's invite immigrants in to better themselves.  We'll learn Spanish and Arabic, they can learn English and we'll all communicate our way to a peaceful world.      Let every retired teacher take on 10 immigrants and help them through our educational system.  We'll end up with employed, educated people who can then return to their own country and help their own.      And until some better machine comes along, lets's make the stable jobs and garbage collecting high paying jobs so our own citizens will want to do them.      There! Problem solved.     March 31, 2006 Which?            Now that my brackets are under control, I can concentrate on the really important things like "that" versus "which."      Just to set the record straight, use "which" to introduce a non-essential, or non restrictive clause. For example; "Add anchovies to the salad, which you call Caesar." The "which" clause is not needed to have a sensible sentence and is usually set off with a comma. Use "that" for the essential, or restrictive clause. "Add anchovies to the salad that you call Caesar." The clause is essential, or needed to make sense of the sentence.      Thoroughly confused?  So was I, when the editor of my third edition went through and changed many of the "that's" to "which's", which/that were okay for the first and second edition.  Which leads me to remark that nobody really knows or cares about that which I speak.   March 24, 2006 March Mad Mess            Oh yeah, I've got March madness. I'm fired up with bracket mania. Like . . . today. Got to fill in those brackets.  Who won yesterday?  Who plays tomorrow?  It's a full time job.  How about all those famous names like George Mason, Murray State, Belmont and Winthrop? Where did they come from? Furthermore, how many teams are from North Carolina?  UNC? UNC-Wilm, NC State, Help!      Seriously, the games are usually fun to watch. But who decides how to shorten the name so it fits on the scoreboard?  For example, who decided to forego Villa and call it Nova? (Both lovely Latin words, of course).  And so it happened that I watched a game featuring Brad Pitt. Does Bucknell ever play UNC?  Will we have Unc Buck?   March 17, 2006  Happy Saint Patty's Day! Signs of Spring II       The Top Ten;     10. birds singing in the morning 9. finches are back 8. Letterman takes a week off and is replaced with reruns 7. March madness 6. spring Breaks 5. daffodils 4. tulips 3. thunderstorms 2. one more snowstorm     And the Number One Sign of Spring;     1. Signs of Spring List II         March 10, 2006 A Real Democracy or What a Great Idea!            From this week's New Yorker; and if this idea comes to pass, my faith in humanity will be restored.      All states pass laws that stipulate they will allocate all their electoral college votes to the winner of the national popular vote. Result; the electoral college becomes obsolete and a mere formality, much like the Queen of England. Result; every vote counts, whether you live in Utah or New York.   Result; a real democracy.         March 3, 2006              Crime in the Big City     Honest to God report from the Oxford Police Department; "Two Miami students reported a college-age male entered their residence and slipped into two females' beds.  He said he was looking for a man named 'Chad' and after realizing he was in the wrong house, before he left, he insisted the residents give him a hug." Now that's CRIME!         February 27, 2006       Signs of Spring          What a show this morning!  For the price of two slices of stale bread and a handful of peanuts, I get to watch two cardinals swoop, attack and zip through the branches, sparrows, grackles, a tufted titmouse,chickadees, robins and then, to top it off,a beaufiful red bellied woodpecker (who do not have red bellies, by the way.) I can't really say it's a sign of spring because they have been here all winter, but surely the two inches of green lily leaves poking up through the rubble of winter means something!       February 17, 2006              Get Along Little Dogie            The latest cinematic sensation, Brokeback Mountain, shatters my childhood myth of the tall, strong, handsome symbol of masculinity,the John Wayne-like Western Cowboy.      A national ideal has been forever altered, and now what are we to think of the cowboys of the past?  What about Roy Rogers and Gene Autry?  They did SING,after all, and wore wimpy little doo rags around their necks. Hopalong Cassidy?  What kind of name is that?  Kit Carson? Isn't that a girl's name? The Lone Ranger and his faithful friend Tonto?  Just how faithful was he?  Zorro?  Was that slashing Z some kind of signal?  And what about that national icon, the Marlboro Man?  Just whom is he looking for, with that penetrating, masculine squint?      Oh well, there goes the nation,along with Mom and Apple Pie. Is nothing sacred?   February 10, 2006                 Poetry, not Bombs            Arab Men of the Middle East!  Have you ever heard of the written word? of rational protest? discussion? Don't you have anything better to do than cruise the streets, throw rocks and burn flags?  Hello! 21st century here!  Let's sit down and TALK!      Aha!  I have it! Maya Angelou for President! As she did at Coretta Scott King's funeral, let her speak, sing, and wow us with words.  Let's put her in front of the Muslim protestors.  Let's have her break into song and sooth them with words. All of Baghdad will be silent and we'll have world peace simply through astonishment.       February 3, 2006 Giddyup!       The State of the Union Address...I listened for about 10 minutes.  I got as far as "America is addicted to oil". DUH!  We've been saying that for years.  "We need alternative fuels".  Man!  Where has he been?  And Iraq...he bombs Baghdad...gets rid of Saddam Hussein...and then what?  He has to think of some reason for being there...so he latches on to FREEDOM and DEMOCRACY!      Dubya's leadership style.  He's on the horse.  He's got hold of the reins.  The horse stops.  He says, "Whoa."   January 27, 2006 Really Nothing            Talk about Dullsville!  The best Mother Nature can muster up is a few tiny snow flakes, a brisk wind and 45 degree weather.  In January! The blaring headline in last week's Oxford Press reported an amazing three (Yes, Three!) crimes in one week. No one seriously injured, of course. We are all warned to lock our doors, and if I remember to take the keys out of the lock, I lock myself in. The fire trucks have been quiet, the man next door hasn't come outside in three days, even the students seem to be studying!!!  The raccoon roused up from hibernation to come to the back door and that's about it. And, as Uncle Wiggly used to say, if the dish doesn't run away with the spoon, next week I'll tell you a story about how the hawk killed a mourning dove.     January 20, 2006 Wildcat         After 60 years of pets, ranging from my "Beauty" when I was 8 to "Butler" (see "Pets I Have Killed"), I finally learned to have only wild animals as pets.  So my little house is often surrounded by birds of all kinds, squirrels, an occasional racoon and possum, and always, the cats. The population shifts; the original one mother cat and five adorable kittens is now one mother and the two least adorable adolescents, accompanied infrequently by other cats who have heard by mew of mouth that there are meat scraps at 224 West Collins.      There are advantages and disadvantages to being a feral cat.   Wild                              Domestic   eat when and what you want        Kibbles and Bits daily go wherever                       mew to get out                                   mew to get in no one pets you                   kids dress you up and                                   put you in baby carriage out in the cold                   in in the cold no name                           saddled with "Bootsie" compete with raccoon              compete with dogs and babies no operations                     lengthy stay with vet bathe yourself                    bathed with SOAP! no shots                          expensive trip to vet no vacation stay in kennel        expensive stay in kennel disease                           more trips to vet death                             one way trip to vet                                        January 13 Who's Going to Heaven?       After reading WHERE GOD WAS BORN,by Bruce Feiler, and getting a refresher course in the religions of Islam, Judaeism and Christianity, I ask myself, "Who exactly IS going to Heaven?"  The 9/11 hijackers are sure they are,since they yelled "Allah is Great" before killing thousands of infidels.  All the suicide bombers are shoe-ins, since they too are doing it for Allah.  All the do-gooders who make the Oxford Press Citizens of the Year list, they'll be welcomed with open arms. My mother and father, really good people, they're there. And hopefully me, even though I ran over a cat with my car and lied to my children..."Yes, Santa Claus brought the tree!  Yeah! He really did!"      Three thousand years of religion and we're still trying to make some sense out of life. I know one thing; the answer lies in words, not bombs. Talk, don't punch -- and never RAISE YOUR VOICE!   January 5, 2006 Billion Airs     Too many times, lately, I'm hearing about billions; -billions to fix a levee -billions to bring democracy to Iraq -billions in sales -billions in profits -billions in national debt, in trade deficit with China and on and on. I have no idea how much a billion is.   I don't even know how many zeros there are in a billion. A billion is so big no one can say it without emphasizing the first syllable, a BILL-ion. Does George W. in his bubble understand what a billion is? I have my doubts. He doesn't seem to be losing any sleep over the fact that our national debt is many, many BILL-ions. And keeping with the fuzzy math topic, why doesn't he tackle the really pressing problem . . . what do we call the first ten years of a century?  I heard this discussion first on NPR. We're content to talk about the "Twenties" or "Thirties",but what about the first and second decade?  The "Zeroes"? the "Teens"? the "Aughts" "Naughts", the "Oh oh's" the "Naughties"? Come on you people in Washington. Forget about illegal spying, immoral lobbyists and unlawful spending.   Let's have a Congressional Hearing or a Presidential Pronouncement on what to call ourselves. Let's solve a real problem!   December 28, 2005 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  December 23, 2005 Bush's Speech to the Nation from the Oval Office              Last Sunday President Bush addressed the nation from the Oval Office, as if there was something important to say. Unfortunately, and thanks to the news all week,it was more of the same about our progress in Iraq.  Does President Bush think we're dim? That we still don't get it that the Iraqi War was a fight for democracy? That Iraq is now a free and independent state? That they are voting?  YES! We GET it.       But what I want to know, Mr. President, is who is in those pictures behind your desk? Where is your desk blotter? What does it say about someone who sits behind a totally clean and obscenely shiny desk? No "in" and "out" boxes? No desk calendar? Where is your telephone? No wonder you are said to be living in a bubble. Mission accomplished? Again?         December 16, 2005 Christmas Displays     Mother Nature/God/Intelligent Designer has created a beautiful snowfall two weeks before Christmas.  The once green canopy over my back yard has been replaced with thousands, if not millions of black twigs and branches outlined against the grey, sometimes orange-tinted night sky.  The hemlocks, dark green, are now highlighted with patches of white snow and the bird feeder and bird bath feature 6 inch white caps.      So why are some people compelled to decorate their houses with thousands, if not millions of flashing light bulbs? Someone in Mason, OH, made the national news with his computer driven display that flashed along with music with such ferocity there were traffic jams in front of his house.      How dare we presume we can create a thing more beautiful than a tree covered with snow?  Oh well, bring on the season!         December 9, 2005 Exercise   my exercises; lifting the phone to order an electric snow shovel. exercising discretion as to what I'll say to my editor. exercising caution with my one click Amazon.com shopping option. exercising good judgement.   lifting the exercise bike so I can reach the back of the closet. okay --  I'll actually ride my exercise bike, as soon as I finish exercising my right as a retiree to take a nap whenever I want.     December 2, 2005                     More bird stuff! Every morning I toss my toast crumbs under the bird feeder and I am rewarded with a visit of innumerable sparrows, two beautiful blue jays, two cardinals, two juncos, two nuthatches, two tufted titmice (this sounds like an Ark story), mourning doves, robins, chickadees... and then, this morning, nobody.  I was puzzled.  Was this a sign of an impending tsunami? in Ohio? earthquake? tornado? avian flu? But this afternoon it all came clear.  Perched on my back fence was the inscrutable, ever watchful, ominous, red tailed hawk. The birds hardly notice the cats, but they take no chances with the hawk.      They'll be back tomorrow.        November 25, 2005 Happy Thanksgiving! Top Ten Things I am Thankful for on Thanksgiving Day, 2005; 10. financial security 9. decent health 8. my children 7. my children's children 6. neat-oh house 5. neat-oh car 4. David Letterman 3. friends 2. fireplace And the number one thing I am thankful for; 1. I'm not a sparrow.       November 18, 2005                        Stop! I'm reading a biography of Isabella, Queen of England, whose husband, Edward II,in 1325, went on a rampage of killing, torturing, beheading. . . wait a minute! Isn't that happening in Iraq today? Beheadings of prisoners? The CIA "interrogations" end in crushed ribs and death by asphyxiation as the poor soul is hung by his thumbs?  Haven't we made any progress  in over a thousand years of civilization? Stop torture of any kind! It doesn't produce any reliable information and it's simply medieval!  Stop!  People!   November 11, 2005                                                       Fall   Fall. And that's exactly what is happening. That full, green canopy over my back yard has now become a thick, brown, red, orange carpet. The witch hazel is a brilliant yellow and the maple trees are irridescent. I love Fall because it means an end to the persistent weeding and mowing of spring and summer. I can stop worrying about my trees and bushes because they're all temporarily dead. So goodbye lawn mower and hello snow shovel!        It was warm enough yesterday to sit by the open door, and I realized with a mixture of shock and relief that the crickets were no more.  I look forward to the season of silence; the utter silence of snowfall, the silence of students as they keep their parties indoors and spend some time studying. Snow shovels are much quieter than lawn mowers and how much noise does it take to make a snowman? It's time to gather in the wood and the DVD's.  Days end decisively with darkness at 6 p.m. and I look forward to evenings by the fire with a good biography. Sssh!  Here comes winter.   November 4, 2005       Appearances are Deceiving It's so much about appearances with "W" and his henchmen.  When no WMD's were found and it turns out we're going to war without being threatened ourselves by Saddam Hussein, they manipulate the truth to give the appearance that we are.  Have Colin Powell show phony pictures, relate Iraq to 9/11, even though there was no direct connection, let's just ACT as if we're being threatened and then send two thousand young men and women to their death for the sake of freedom and democracy.      Appearances.  Their Supreme Court nominee just didn't have the credentials, so pick another one, much like the first successful one...male, experienced, picture book family. And don't use the same room as the first disaster!  Have a completely different setting for the announcement, a hall, by the way, so this guy will appear different.      Remember the appearance on the aircraft carrier...Mission Accomplished?  I don't think so! Or the surprise visit to the troops in Iraq for last Thanksgiving? W? They're still there!      Back in 1899, our country invaded the Philippines to "liberate" them.  Mark Twain wrote, "We were to relieve them from Spanish tyranny to enable them to set up a government of their own...but now we have got into a mess, a quagmire from which each fresh step renders the difficulty of extrication immensely greater."  How eerily familiar!      Of course, like many other Americans, I'm torn. The Philippines did end up with a democracy, the Iraqi's are voting. Women have been freed from the Taliban's stranglehold. I just finished (along with the Mark Twain biography) ONE BULLET AWAY, where a classics major at Dartmouth joins the Marines and spends four years in the ranks.  But in the end he leaves, because he just doesn't enjoy killing.  But he does make the point that really bad tyrants can only be toppled by force.  I can understand that. I'm just hoping there might be some other way...kindness? drop bread, not bombs? smother the country with goods and services? show the tyrants up? I am just so against killing and bombing and another quagmire. Don't we ever learn?     October 28, 2005                The Perfect World In light of the recent hurricanes and their aftermath, I'm wondering why we still have power lines above ground.  We can put roads underground, we put cables under the ocean, we put a man on the moon, why not put these unsightly electric lines six feet under? In our town, a nationally recognized "Tree City" beautiful trees with bright fall foliage have been mutilated to make room for electric lines.  People contract cancerous diseases because they live under power lines. Think how much money we'd save after each hurricane if there were no downed lines. No more days and weeks of no electricity,  no more people dying from the heat or lack of electrical health appliances. Expense?  How about the millions, yea, billions of dollars spent for bringing freedom and democracy to the Iraqis? Couldn't we find a fraction of that money to relocate those lines? Wouldn't we be saving tons of money after each hurricane?      My second complaint in this less than perfect world; isn't it ironic that the City Council spends time and energy debating and then passing ordinances to restrict student rental houses signs....not too big, children!  and watch your language! when the city has erected giant, unsightly, massive bunker type signs uptown to let you know you are crossing HIGH STREET, signs attached to poles fortified enough to withstand an Iraqi invasion.  And finally, why do we have, all over the Mile Square, red, white and blue signs that prohibit parking during a snow emergency... over 3 inches of snow.  People!  How often do we have three inches of snow?  Once a year?  Twice a year?  Yet these signs have been up since this summer!  Can't we put them up in November and then take them down in February?      I know, it's an imperfect world.        October 21, 2005 Shine On, Harvest Moon! Middle of October and up above shines the Hunters' Moon,  a beautiful sight on a clear night.  There's something about the soft, slightly gray light that has inspired songwriters and poets for years. "Shine on, shine on harvest moon, up in the sky," "Coupl' a jiggers of moonlight, and add a star," "We were sailin' along, on Moonlight Bay," "Moonlight Sonata," "Moonlight in Vermont," "Moonlight Becomes You" "Moon River." Remember "The Highwayman?" "The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas, The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor, And the highwayman came riding -- riding -- riding The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door" And come winter ... "The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow Gave the lustre of midday to objects below." Moonlight! Oh yeah!       October 14, 2005            Commander in Chief at last.      I know why the new show "Commander-in-Chief" is so popular.  We finally see a president who makes decisions for the good of the country, not for political capital. I know it's fiction, but what a joy to watch an executive making wise choices...and a woman to boot!      Not much to report this week.  Too tired from my trip to New England.  BTW, highly recommended...Bub's BBQ and I don't even like BBQ.     October 7, 2005 BUG SEASON      This seems to be the season of the bugs, not the flu bug, as the pharmaceutical companies are touting, but the buzzing, biting, flying, beep-beeping variety.  The crickets are especially noisy this year, even during the day as I sit on my new screened in porch.      Unfortunately, I had an incident with a cricket. He appeared in my bedroom on the white rug, just standing there, perhaps a little dazed.  Well, I'm sorry, but my house does not tolerate bugs, so I got a Kleenex and tried to kill him humanely with a smothering kind of action.  I really find it hard to squash bugs to the point of feeling their little bones squish and heads crack.  So I gently squeezed him to death and threw it in the wastebasket.      Imagine my surprise when, an hour later, I see him making his way out of the wastebasket!  Enough kindness!  I do another Kleenex procedure, this time ending with a toss in the toilet.  But he's not giving up!  At the last minute, he once again escapes the Kleenex and attempts a salmon-like leap against the onrushing tide! Sorry to report, he failed.      Anyhow, I subsequently read that it's GOOD LUCK to have a cricket in your house, and for $35 I can buy a brass replica for my mantelpiece. Well, so far my luck is holding in spite of my crass disposal of nature's good luck piece and I don't think I'll part with $35 just for good luck insurance. Bugs are bugs.       September 30, 2005 Things That Don't Change      I had an electrician put in a new timer for my lantern post light and was expecting a digitalized, LED display, modernized doo-hickey timer. Much to my surprise, he simply replaced the old one with an identical timer, complete with little screwy things to set the "on" and "off" and basically exactly the same as the 50 year old timer from WWII. The only change was the directions are now in Spanish and French.      What else hasn't changed?  We still wash our clothes in water and soap in a machine that goes ga-bubble, ga-bubble and then spins dry.      Has small-town America changed? I used to live in Lyndonville, New York, where the downtown was one street and in two blocks you had Smith's Dry Goods Store, a grocery store, the doctor, dentist, insurance man, library, bank, and restaurant. You knew almost everyone and everyone said hello. I wonder if it's still the same.       I'm reading a book about North Platte, Nebraska, and how it has changed since World War II. Much like Lyndonville, the downtown was the center of social and economic life.  The author laments the demise of the main street Mom and Pop stores but takes heart in the new Super Walmart, which indeed has dry goods, groceries, eye doctor, insurance, books, ATM machines, Subway shop and friendly people who say hello.      Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. The difference is that the poor schmucks working at Walmart are being paid a pittance, and Mom and Pop Walmart were just listed with the top ten richest people in America.            September 23, 2005 The Screened-in Porch Growing up, I always lived in a house with a screened-in porch.  If the place didn't come with one, my father would screen it in himself. Then I married and left home and for thirty years I went without a screened-in porch. This week I finally called the carpenter and now I have a front porch that is screened-in and I find that it's about much more than keeping out the bugs.  For one, it's keeping out the birds who loved the mailbox for nesting and the rolled up curtain for a bathroom.  For two, it's bringing back memories of Aunt Maude's porch, where we sat on her swing or played on the around-the-room railing that inevitably comes with the screening process. The railing is a particular boon, a place for coffee mug, book mark, pencil, drinking glass, cell phone, run your toy cars, set up your dolls, position your green army men.  For three, it lets me sit outside and enjoy the sounds of early fall; the scrunch, scrunch of chain link on hook, the birds, the crickets, the mosquito buzz on the other side of the screen.  Ah! a screened-in porch . . . at last!     September 16, 2005 The ole' "Who's on First" Routine, starring Jack and Grammy. Jack (sitting on the floor, putting on his own shoes): Is this right? Grammy (watching from above and sees that yes, indeed, he is putting the left shoe on the left foot) with enthusiasm: That's right! Jack: (picking up the other shoe) So this is left? Grammy (struggling to mentally turn around and make sure that that really is the right shoe): No, actually that's the right. Jack: (clearly confused but determined to get it RIGHT) This one is right? Grammy; Okay!  Let's go feed the ducks.   September 9, 2005 Running on Empty      Yesterday I pulled into my usual one and only full service gas station in town, and had them fill my gas tank which was slightly under half filled. I'm a regular customer because I hate to get my hands all smelly with gas and I never let the needle on the gas gauge get much below half. I know, I know.  This is very conservative, nervous-nellie kind of behavior, but really, what's the point of letting it get to Empty?   What if there's an emergency and I have to drive to the hospital in Cincinnati? What if it gets to Empty and suddenly all the gas stations are closed? Anyhow, avoiding stress and anxiety, I fill it up.  $31.00. Talk about stress! Ouch!     September 2, 2005               Good Ole O-H-I-O The big news from here is I painted the basement floor . . . again, adding yet another shade of green to the hapless cement floor. One shade under the beds, another in spots around the post most traveled by tricycles and now a third, spread pretty evenly thanks to the EXTENDER!  Where have I been?  The last painting I was on my hands and knees over the whole floor.  OUCH!  This time, thanks to this handy handle, it was just like mopping, with minimal paint landing on my hands and sneakers. How long has THAT been around?      The other big news, that devastating hurricane Katrina and the stampede in Baghdad, makes me really glad I live in Ohio.  I know, Ohio is boring.  The only stampede we have is the march of cicadas every 17 years, a flood consists of a trickle of water in the basement, and an unruly crowd is a group of 25 college students polishing off a keg of beer. I just finished a biography of two Russian emigres who lived such an exciting life; escaping from the Germans in WWII, living in New York, summering here, wintering there, eating exotic Russian food imported from Paris.  Okay, Ohio is boring.  But I think it's SAFE!         August 25, 2005                                                 BAR NONE     I'm reading this odd book about animals (ANIMALS IN TRANSLATION by Temple Grandin) in which I discover that yes, indeed, fish can suffer. This was a result of an experiment where the researchers injected either bee venom or vinegar into the fishes' lips.  Ouch! The conclusion that they felt pain came from observing that they didn't eat for an hour and a half and also that they rocked their bodies and kept rubbing their lips against the side of the tank.  Is that gross or what?      To counter this awful image I give you a couple of "a man goes into a bar" jokes. I get vicarious pleasure from these as you can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I have actually walked into a bar.      A grasshopper hops into a bar.  The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here.  We've even got a drink named after you."  The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"      A man walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at?  Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?"      The man says, "It's not that.  I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."      A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"  The bartender says, "I don't know.  What does he look like?"      And finally, STOP ME!  A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"      "Yeah," the other cow says.  "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."     August 19, 2005                                                          School Days           The middle of August and we're not far from the opening of school.  Kids need new clothes, teachers poke around the building, looking at the damage done to their classroom over the summer.  Administrators start tweaking their opening day routines, bus drivers count the days,           Our college town is beginning to liven up.  There are a few more jeeps careening around corners, student houses slowly add a car or two in their parking spaces.  And although we're still free from the student bus service clogging the 19th century-wide mile square roads and  have yet to see the total traffic gridlock that opening weekend will bring, the middle of August  sounds the alarm that summer is almost over and another academic year is about to commence.           What's always amazing to me is that some people don't experience this yearly renaissance, the every-year-begins-in-September feeling, the excitement of a new grade, a new school, the feeling of growth, challenges of the academic year, whether it be learning cursive writing or facing senior exams.  Corporate CEO's, for example, have been working all summer, along with ditch diggers, doctors, day traders, or store keepers (albeit with a two week vacation thrown in). For them it's just August and then September.           But even they have kids, and all Moms and Dads are beginning to feel that excitement of the first day of school.  It's right up there in the inevitable column along with death and taxes. It's a blessing, almost a birthright, that we have public education, good teachers and schools .  So be grateful, people!  Get your school supplies, put on your new shoes and get ready for Fall.  School is about to begin . . .again.     August 12, 2005    Vacation!   August 5, 2005                        The Innovation of the Century -- a public family bathroom.             Yes! Finally someone got the idea that there is need for a family restroom.  God Bless the people at Whitewater Water Park.  Sure, there's a men's room and a ladies' room, but then, across the way, there's a family room where Mom can go with little brother and sisters, i.e., the family! We need more of  these in airports!  in restaurants!  in bus and  train stations! hotel lobbies!  Come on, world!  Give Mom a break!             And speaking of giving Mom a break, I think that all mothers with pre-toddler children, or even just one, should be given a handicapped sticker.  After all, they really are handicapped.  One arm is permanently occupied with the baby, the other, perhaps, busy with a sibling, not to mention the mental strain of watching the babies, planning the shopping list, getting the groceries out of the cart before or after the baby is . . . you get the picture.     July 29, 2005                                                             Las Vegas             In a word, unique.  I'm probably the last person in our family to go to Las Vegas and I can't imagine why I'd ever go again, but the trip was fun and very different from my usual week on the beach in Florida.  The hotel Flamingo Hilton was perfect for the kids who loved the three water slides.  They also loved all the free shows and especially enjoyed Adventureland, the largest indoor amusement park in the world.  I thought it was pretty awful, a huge dome filled with yelling, screaming, thrill seeking rides, but Jack loved the helicopter ride and the girls loved the games and collecting the stuffed animal prizes.             The best part of Las Vegas was 15 miles away.  We endured 30 minutes of bumper to bumper traffic to get out of the city but then --  the desert!  Red Rock Canyon was breathtaking , a refreshing change from the glitz, and a high point of the trip for me.             The low point was coming back in the Las Vegas Airport where we stood in a line longer than Disney World at Christmas at which point Jack says loudly "I gotta go potty" and all the people in line blanched, several pointed to the men's room, so near and yet so far.  But we just kept going, big boy underwear and all.  Emily had already thrown up on the carpet in Cincinnati, so we figured...., well, you get it.  But then I blithely said I didn't want to take off my shoes (it had worked every time before) and was promptly put in the special lane and was accosted by a wand waver who then started putting on her patting gloves at which time I said, "Don't touch me" and  put on my best teacher look (touch me and it's off to the principal's office for you, young lady).  At that the wand waver yelled "Supervisor" in a desperate tone and I ended up in a privacy room with wand waver and supervisor and she didn't do anything but look at my waistband.   And the best news is that Jack held on throughout the whole ordeal!     July 22, 2005    On vacation in Las Vegas....a first.  Later!   July 15, 2005                                                             Jack             Monday:  Mandy is at a workshop, the girls at day camp, John has a meeting, so I  get Jack for a few hours.  This is what Jack likes: turn  light switches on and off, take keys out of the door, go in the "bayment" and ride the trike FAST, play with the old  metal steam shovel,  the Fisher Price town with the jail door, the fire alarm and the door bell, Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head; hiding plastic letters and then finding them, watching a slide show of Jack and his birthday party, drawing pictures and getting scotch tape and decorating the fridge, riding in the PT Cruiser and fastening his own seat belt, going to the Lane Public Library by way of running down the handicapped ramp and exploring their pirate ship, picking out a Scooby Doo video,  getting a drink from the fountain, riding back to Grammy's house, toast and juice, and then looking for things outside with the magnifying glass pressed to his temple (it's a minimizing glass but details, details).  Not particularly interested in dolls, books or the Scooby Doo video.  BTW, Jack's a boy.     July 8, 2005                                                               NEWS I had a cutsey little paragraph ready to go about how summer news is boring.  But after the attack in London, I realize that there has been a lot of news this summer, most of it bad.  Men molesting little girls, men dying in Iraq and now men blowing up unsuspecting commuters.  Wait a minute!  I think I see a pattern here.  Where are the women?  There must be a woman for every man in the world.  Why don't the mothers and wives start a peace revolution?  When you see your husband heading for work with a suicide bomb strapped to his chest, speak up!  Forbid him to go!  If you find your teen age son storing bomb materials under his bed, ground him!  Pull the plug on his computer!  Ban the "How to make a bomb" websites!  Women of the world! Get out there and stop men from this senseless killing of innocent people!   July 1, 2005                                          SHOT IN KROGER'S Last night, after a ten minute shower had watered the lawn and cooled the air, I decided to drive out to Hueston Woods to watch the deer come to the side of the road in the early evening dusk  as they like to do in the summer.  On the way, I saw, walking on the side of the road, a woman who is familiar to me.  She walks with a pronounced limp, and her left arm dangles uselessly.  And then I remembered, almost 20 years ago, Mandy and I were in Kroger's, shopping in the detergent aisle, when suddenly a shot rang out, then another and there was a scream, right in the next aisle.  We instinctively ducked down, behind a pyramid of Tide boxes, and waited. After a minute, someone started yelling, "Get Out!" and a girl near us, kicked off her shoes and ran like a bat from hell towards the front door.  Finally another man appeared and said, "It's okay now, he ran out the back door."   So  I grabbed my purse and Mandy and I also ran to the front door.             Anyhow, we've never forgotten it.  The woman had been shot in the head and was badly injured but lived, and I would see her once in a while and remember that day.  The assailant was her estranged, angry boy friend.  He was caught and served time and when he got out she married him. Hmmmm.         June 24, 2005  Having just finished  FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS by  H. G. Bissinger, a book written in 1988 when oil was going for $20 a barrel, I am struck by how little people change over almost twenty years -- how Americans are nuts about sports, especially high school football -- how our educational institutions aid and abet this nuttiness by allowing school time to be spent on pep rallies -- how school administrators encourage the wearing of sport uniforms in the classroom, thus elevating the football players and cheerleaders to a special level -- how football players get extra help in their academic subjects --  how much money is spent on sports facilities -- how we hire a person to oversee all the high school sports and give him an office, a secretary  and a salary. When the world is crying out for greater technology, medical research and compassionate politicians, why are we devoting so much of our youths' educational resources to a game that encourages brute force, the adulation of masculinity and the philosophy that winning is everything? June 17, 2005                                              Not Saving Daylight Time      Daylight Saving Time. Do we really need it?  If you live near Indiana, it severely complicates matters.  Our local radio station has to announce the time, and then, Indiana time, just so you won't miss an appointment or arrive an hour early.  What are we doing with the extra hour of daylight?  Everybody stops work after 8 hours, no matter how light it is.  Do we think the farmers are going to put in 14 hour work days, just to take advantage of the light?  And you know it plays havoc with the Fourth of July fireworks, which can't begin until dark, somewhere around 10 p.m.             These last days of June are long and lovely but could easily be an hour shorter.  What is an hour, anyway?  You can get from Cincinnati to Chicago in an hour. You can spend or, conversely, earn a thousand dollars in a MINUTE on the internet. Think of how much you could make or lose in an hour.  On the other hand working at Walmart for an hour barely buys you lunch.   In a minute you can span the globe and talk to someone in South Korea.  You can even SEE her with the new telephone/computer thingy.             "Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in." said Thoreau.  Are we fishing from a speedboat?  Is it time to step out of the stream,  relax, enjoy the summer, talk to your neighbor and smell the roses?                                                         June 3, 2005   Drama at the Feed Store               As I sit in my living room and knit, the Feed Store is in my direct line of vision.  Every spring I watch them wheel out the wagons of seedlings, geraniums, hanging baskets and tomato plants. They do a brisk business which dwindles off through the summer.             Their busiest worker is a tall, middle aged gentleman, mostly bald, portly in the middle with shortened extremities, forcing him to slightly flap his hands as he huffs and puffs around the yard, lifting bags of  mulch, putting the purchased flats of seedlings into trunks and driving the forklift from the warehouse across the street to the stock piles behind the building.. I've been watching him for years and except for the time he came to my door, wondering who owned the red Volvo station wagon which had accidentally rolled down the street into their parking lot (but that's a WHOLE other story),  have never spoken or interacted with him.  So my impression of him was pretty much one dimensional until yesterday, when, to my complete surprise, while walking around the wagons of ferns, plants and other green things, he starts to do a little dance. He's doing a unexpectedly adept two step, maybe singing a tune, and he playfully bobs from side to side like an android whooping crane in a mating dance.  There are two women on the other side of the wagon, the owner of the Feed Store and another woman.  They are talking earnestly and appear to ignore the dancing fat man, who is now working his way around the end of the wagon.  Hopping, dancing, dipping and bowing, he coyly approaches the woman who is still talking.  He makes a flirtatious pass on either side of her head and then swoops in for a peck on the cheek.  I hope it's his wife. May 27, 2005                                                              Question II                           Why do our high schools teach French, Spanish, German and sometimes Italian and not Chinese or Arabic?  I can understand the need for Spanish, but why not just teach Latin and let them learn the Romance languages as needed?  Chinese and Arabic language courses would by necessity also include a lot of basic information about the culture and customs of the people.  Knowledge is the first step toward world peace and tolerance.  Come on, High Schools of America!  Bring on those Arabic textbooks.     May 20, 2005                                                The Big Question   How DARE the Bush administration chastise Newsweek so self-righteously for their mistake in the story about desecration of the Koran at Guantanamo?  Here we have a magazine that uses a misinformed source to publish an article which results in protest and incidental deaths in Afghanistan.  What about the government that uses misinformation about weapons of mass destruction to go to war in Iraq which results in world wide protest and thousands of deaths?  Wait a second!  Who should be apologizing?        May 13, 2005                                                          The Party's Over...               Sunday was graduation day and in this town that means a major moving day. Parents arrive with the family van or  U-Haul truck and after graduation there's massive hauling and packing.  Across from my house the boys' parents load their family van with furniture, boxes of stuff and appliances.  The boys carry their precious sound systems to their own cars and the rest of the household goods are put out on the curb.             The line of furniture goes from their driveway to the corner of the street: three sofas, chairs, lamps, two fans, lines of junk.  Let the scavengers begin! The next time I look, the line is reduced to a few boxes and a straggle of broken furniture. So for fun, I watch.  From 7:15 to 7:45 that evening, there's a steady stream of old, beat up cars, similar pick up trucks,  cars of all kinds. One truck goes by with several empty kegs. They go past the keg on the porch across the street, but it's gone by the next morning.  Each scavenger is so selective.  Usually the driver remains in the car and the scavenger partner hops out.  Croquet mallet? Reject.  Plastic chair? Okay!.  Off they go and the next one shows up.  Yeah! a croquet mallet! No one seems interested in the deflated beach ball or the bent golf club.             I'm just about losing interest when I see  a very small, Oriental Lady with a red plastic purse poking around.  No car or truck.  She starts to make a little pile of treasures, starting with the broken white plastic chair. Aha! a sponge mop!  a shower caddy!  Her pile gets bigger.  Suddenly a late model pick up truck pulls up, evidently forgetting the Oxford Scavengers' Law  --  only one Scavenger at a time per pile. A woman gets out and starts poking at Oriental Lady's pile.  Oriental Lady becomes incensed, yells and waves her hand heatedly.  Late model truck lady backs off and drives away.             The pile is getting bigger.  Plastic wastebasket, plastic hangars, wire hangars, old tee shirt.  Finally Oriental Lady arranges all the stuff in the chair, and with the mop under one arm picks up the chair and starts walking up the street.             Which leads me to wondering why there seems to be much more scavenging this year.  There's always been a parade of trucks, but no as many as this year.  Is the poverty level lower or  the  population of poor, larger? In spite of  all the construction of large, ostentatious houses and affluent developments, is there a segment of society that  is increasing and we're ignoring?                               May 6, 2005                                                 MOVIE REVIEWS                 One of the advantages of watching a DVD movie is I can satisfy my desire to read all the names at the end of the credits; best boy grip, best girl, whatever.  Sometimes there are little surprises, like at the end of  SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, someone starts singing LA VIE EN ROSE, and it sounds exactly like Jack Nicholson.  Yes, it  IS Jack Nicholson, and singing pretty well, too!  Predictable movie, however.             Now I just finished watching MYSTIC RIVER, which started out so awful  with  murder, molestation and poverty  that I almost didn't continue.  My original thought would be it's about the Mystic River where I lived for many years, but forget that.  I should have known it wouldn't show the tree lined banks of the Mystic River I knew. Such are life's little disappointments. And what kind of movie is it when punching people in the face is an accepted part of life, not to mention getting away with murder?  What kind of morality is it when the innocent, troubled guy gets killed (who in turn had killed a child molester, but I guess that's okay) and the killer gets away with a little make-a-gun-with-your-thumb-and-pointer gesture because he has a big heart?  ExCUSE ME! Murder is never okay, people.  But it also had a surprise at the end of the credits.  Clint Eastwood actually wrote the music!  And most surprising, it was filmed, in part, in Canton!  Where all my maternal relatives lived! Where I would spend weekends with Nana and Gramp and some of those Kelley Aunts! Where Grandma R. got married!  Small world.             As for the movie, Sean Penn was excellent. What saves the movie is the plot, which is intricate, connected  and clever. In the end the writing saves the movie from wallowing in violence and sad, sick people and those on and off again FAKE Boston accents.   April 29, 2005                                                     TWEEP        I'm not alone in this world in not being able to put bird song into English. Take the robin, for example, one of the most common, recognizable birds in North America.  And what does the robin say? According to Sibley's Guide, the song of the robin is a "repetitive, tuneful warble, plurri, kliwi, plurri, kliwi." Peterson describes the robin's song as a "clear caroling, short phrases, rising and falling, often prolonged. tyeep, tut, tut, tut."  Hello?  plurri  and tyeep ? Finally, Kroodsma  thinks he hears the robin singing "cheer up, cherrio, cheerup, cheerio" as well as an occasional "weep, hisselly, piik  and quiquiquiqui".             I'm hearing birds every morning, and MY bird sings video, video, video. Yesterday I actually watched a grackle as he vocalized with a chorus of awk, awk, awk. But then, he puffed up, shook himself importantly and, honest to God, looked right at me and said clear as a bell,  it's you!  or Hitshoe.   I swear.     April 22, 2005 April is the cruelest month, breeding Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing Memory and desire, stirring Dull roots with spring rain/pain/sprain.   The Waste Land  T.S. Eliot               This April has been cruel, first because it's my mother's birthday, and  even though I know she's at peace, special occasions  remind me of her passing. And then, on her birthday, (was she in on this?)I mistook the next to last stair step for the last step and in trying to not fall on my face, I wrenched my shoulder.  Then I wrapped myself in hot water bottles and blankets rather than, as I later read on the Wrenched Shoulder Website, pack it in ice,  probably prolonging the agony  which continues as I write.             Then my computer goes down and requires a week of messing with this and that and I STILL don't have my printer going or my Scrabble game up and running.  There's a huge tree in my backyard that is dead as a doornail and will require mucho bucks to get it removed.             But, to end this cruel month and head into May and blessedly, June ("She's coming, by gum, you can FEEL her come") my own birthday was celebrated with due honor (several good books and brunch with the kids) and I'm getting a new, cordless electric lawn mower. More on that soon. And life could be much worse, so I'll stop complaining and go out and pick dandelions which are RAMPANT this year.       April 15, 2005               Intimations of Mortality        I’m feeling very mortal, with my mother gone, and then the Pope and Prince Rainier, just to name a few.  But in another way, I’m feeling immortal. My student neighbors, after all, are always 19 or 20 -- every year for 30 years! Talk about Peter Pan’s Never-never land!      And then we had a tragedy three nights ago.  I live near the fire station, and I knew it was something big when first one truck pulled out at 4:30 a.m. with sirens going (they never hit the siren before 7 a.m.) followed by the second truck and then the third and finally the Life Squad. The newspaper had it the next day.  An older house just three blocks from me burned to the ground, and three of the 13 students in it died. Why couldn’t they have gotten out? The two girls died in their beds, the boy was at the front door.      The number of people who die in this town can be counted on one hand. A student died of food poisoning from Chinese restaurant last year. A woman was murdered on the other side of town about 25 years ago. My back yard neighbor died two years ago of some disease and my side neighbor, now that I think of it, died at the age of 13 of leukemia. So we are mortal and it’s sad.      But our mortality makes this Spring even more beautiful. Everyday the leaves are bigger, the grass greener, the lilacs closer to blooming. If we don’t do anything really stupid, Spring will keep coming,ad infinitum, and with it our intimations of immortality (sorry, Wordsworth).     April 8, 2005   R.I.P.        Putting aside all the evil that formal religion has wrought in this world – wars, Inquisitions, torture, hatred, Jihads – I think we have to admit that religion has given birth to two unique and beautiful phenomena; spiritual buildings and uplifting music.       From the soaring beauty of St. Peter’s (I know it’s a mish mash architecturally) to the equally stunning simplicity of a Shaker Meeting House, churches stand as monuments to man’s awe of God. When the thousand voices of the choir in St. Peter’s sings the Requiem Mass or when a single man stands in the middle of the Shaker Meeting room and sings, unaccompanied, “Simple Gifts”, music, to me at least, is as close to God as nature.      The Pope has passed away, and in the ritual of the Church, there is comfort. How moving it was to see thousands of people standing in St. Peter’s Square with candles and coats, just acknowledging the frailty of man and the power of God. Pope John Paul was not perfect but he was the embodiment of what’s good about religion; a man who devoted his life in search of world peace.  Pax tecum, Papa, et requiescat in pace.        April 1, 2005 and it's not a joke!     FLORIDA FAMILY FUN VACATION   Top Ten Reasons to Go to Florida for Spring break   10. sunshine 9.  70 degree temperature 8.  swimming in the pool in March 7.  eating fresh fish, fresh vegetables and melt-in-your-mouth melon 6.  meeting cousins 5.  bright, colorful flowers in bloom 4.  free tanning 3.  maid service 2.  IHOP Breakfast   And the number 1 reason to go to Florida for Spring Break --swimming with the sharks in a beautiful ocean (the raw sewage was gone, REALLY!)     Abuse of Power        Tom Delay and Bill Frist....you sanctimonious hypocrites!  You reconvened Congress, making a public display of power to keep the feeding tube in a woman in a persistive vegetative state. You take a pro-life, “life is holy” stand.  Give me a break!  What about all those countless (we can’t count when it comes to Iraqis) Iraqis who have died over the past two years?  What about the over 1500 brave young men and women who have died when you sent them to war over Saddam Hussein and the oil supply? What about all the wildlife you are now threatening in Alaska?      Let’s talk about the quality of life. This poor young woman has been without meaningful life for 15 years. Would you want to be kept alive all that time, being a burden to your family?  Count me out! March 18, 2005                                                                 PLAY BALL! Loser Congressmen!  What kind of grandstanding are you doing?  Don't you have enough to do -- with gas prices soaring, homeless people wandering our streets, social security in danger of collapse, Alaska about to be ravaged by Bush Oil Men, Halliburton stealing our money, people getting murdered in our court houses and you are spending your time and our money in a Congressional Hearing, asking baseball players if they have used steroids?????           Look at them! Of COURSE they have used steroids.  You don't think that God intended men to have arms like that, now do you?  Forget last season.  Forget all past baseball seasons and all the now faulty statistics.  Wipe the slate clean!  It's spring at last.  Opening day looms.  Cancel those really stupid hearings, grab your mitt and go play catch with your granddaughters.  Let's Play Ball!         March 11, 2005 Wrecks, Camilla and I               Two thoughts this week;  Camilla Parker Bowles was called a “wreck” by the New York Times writer Daphne Merlin in a contrary-to-what-you-might-think positive article about the upcoming marriage between her and Charles (who is very close to “wreck” status himself).  I, of course, am a full fledged “wreck” – over 30, over weight, uncapped teeth and happy as a clam.  Merlin gives the couple a thumbs up and congratulations on their courage to marry in spite of Mummy’s disapproval and all the tongue clucking and head shaking. More power to them.             The other thought  concerns some truths about fat and thin envelopes arriving in the mail. Fat envelope: usually a good thing, especially if you’re waiting for a reply to a college application. Thin envelope: sorry, you’re a nice person but you’ve been rejected. Fat envelope: good thing from your kid at college with awards, pictures, sample A+ papers. Thin envelope: he/she needs money. Fat envelope: good thing from your editor which includes a lucrative contract. Thin envelope or even more humiliating, the dreaded post card: rejection. Fat envelope: a bad thing from the IRS with forms to fill out and a return envelope for your check because you’ve been naughty and didn’t pay enough last year. Thin envelope: a good thing from the IRS. It’s your refund check.       March 4, 2005                                                   OSCAR LICIOUS!    Finally! a great Oscar Night show!  So the MC was forgettable – I got tired of his saying “Hey” and frenetically walking back and forth as he spoke/yelled. But what else? Stars! Eye popping dresses! YoYoMa! I love him! The producers managed to keep it varied with a fast pace, a change of venues and  mikes showing up in the aisles. A mysterious female voice moved it right along and there were good clips of movies I want to see sometime. After years of sitting through “And the nominees for best cinematography in a black and white short boring film are...” and endless “Thanks to . . .”, this years show was a treat.  Thanks to . . . .       February 25, 2005                                            EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY The Westminster Kennel Dog Show is one of my all time favorite television experiences. Coming in February, when the world is pretty gray and dreary, the sight of all those beautiful dogs and those dog fanatics is refreshing.    I’m not a dog lover. We had a disastrous experience with a fox hound from the pound. He bit and chased and ran like the wind and was sweet but awful. The dogs from my childhood bring back only bad memories -- of Stubby on the table woofing down a  baked from scratch cake and my mother crying in despair, “I’ll never have another dog again!”      But the dog show brings out the best and what a thing of beauty is that Afghan Hound, trotting along so proudly, with that long silky hair waving like a flag of honor, or all the big, loping, working dogs, so ready to help mankind, or the terriers, so bright and cheerful, or the dogs with all that extra skin, falling in great rolls and flabs.      Speaking of which, I learned that the bloodhound has nothing to do with the ability to sniff out blood, but it’s so named because they were aristocratic dogs, belonging to people of the blood, blue, naturally.  I think of the pictures on ancient Egyptian tombs, and there will be a dog, proudly sitting next to the throne of the Pharaoh.  So, long live the dog! Now, on to the Oscars!             February 18, 2005                 NO FABRICATION!        I have just spent $93 for three pencils, yes, pencils -- the best ever! and no longer made by the yellow pencil kings of the world, Eberhard Faber. (the German word for “worker”, from the Latin “faber” meaning “craftsman”, and recalling Faber in F.451.)      Eugene O’Neill used the Blackwing 602,to write his plays and there’s a whole box of them among his effects.  The pencil, dark green  inscribed with the motto “HALF THE PRESSURE, TWICE THE SPEED” is topped with a gold metal ferrule into which a silver clip inserts with the eraser.      According to Doug Martin, pencil afficionado,(www.pencilpages.com) it’s that silver clip that led to the Blackwing’s demise in 1998 when the company ran out of clip stock and the machine that made the ferrule was continually breaking down. Furthermore the company, Sanford Corp., made only 1100 dozen Blackwings annually,in a facility that produces more pencils than that in one hour.      I had been looking for this pencil for years ever since I accidentally came home from Newport Beach with Kelley’s Blackwing, which is now ground down to  F THE PRESSURE, TWICE THE SPEED”.  It has a certain softness and agility that defies description and is coveted and appreciated by “professional artists, designers and writers.”      I finally found them on EBay this week, at $31 each and they are growing scarcer, obviously, every day. The mystery of why I never could find them in a catalogue, then, has been solved, and I will write my first letter with it to the pencil company, urging them to retool their machines and start production. The world awaits and needs the Blackwing 602.     February 11, 2005   I’ve been exploring the songs of my childhood and enjoying the lyrics and tunes. What has happened to popular music? Where have the carefree songs of yesteryear gone? Or were we just silly or WHAT?   Come on! Sing along!   Mairzy Doats and Dozy Doats and liddle lamzy divey A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you? oo? Yes! Mairzy Doats and Dozey Doats and liddle lamzy divey, A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you? If the words sound queer, and funny to your ear, a little bit jumbled and jivey, Sing “Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy” Oh! etc.(1943)   or join Bing Crosby with this favorite!   Would you like to swing on a star Carry moonbeams home in a jar And be better off than you are Or would you rather be a mule?   A mule is an animal with long funny ears Kicks up at anything he hear His back is brawny but his brain is week He’s just plain stupid with a stubborn streak And by the way, if you hate to go to school You may grow up to be a mule   Or would you like to swing on a star Carry moonbeams home in a jar And be better off than you are Or would you rather be a pig?   A pig is an animal with dirt on his face His shoes are a terrible disgrace He has no manners when he eats his food He’s fat and lazy and extremely rude But if you don’t care a feather or a fig You may grow up to be a pig.   And all the monkeys aren’t in the zoo Everyday you see quite a few So you see it’s all up to you You can be better than you are You could be swinging on a star.(1944)   More to come!           February 4, 2005     WRITING HER HOME        I am writing the story of my mother’s life for myself, of course, to partly erase, or at least overshadow the nursing home year and the miserable last weeks of her life which were so uncharacteristic.  All her life she was cheerful, not in a manic, compulsive way, but just nice and quiet and comfortably optimistic.  So I am working my way through her childhood, the Depression, two World Wars, work as secretary and bookkeeper for Dad and then almost half her life without him.  My purpose is also to preserve her. There aren’t many photos. There aren’t any lasting monuments or great accomplishments. Florence Roghaar is not going to appear in anybody’s WHO’S WHO OF AMERICAN HOUSEWIVES. But with the help of George and Linda, I hope to chronicle her long and satisfying life to keep her with us one way or another.       January 28, 2005   My Mother’s Dire Predictions   How did I ever survive my first 20 years?    because I’d catch my death of cold by going out without my sweater   or I’d be crippled with cramps and drown by not waiting an hour after eating to go swimming   or I’d be imprisoned in a Turkish harem by white slavers because I talked to a stranger   or robbed blind because I counted my money in public   or dead with embarrassment because I was in an accident and had to go to the hospital wearing yesterday’s underwear   or moths will eat holes in your winter clothes if you don’t douse them with moth balls.   On the other hand, how did we survive those toys with parts small enough to choke on? with no car seats?  no seat belts? no protective head gear?  and fortified with daily doses of heavy cream, butter, red meat and caffeine?     January 21, 2005   LEAVE NO CHILD BEHIND; TOP TEN THINGS A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE SHOULD KNOW     10. how to swim   9. how to get on the internet and basic keyboard skills   8. how to turn off the electricity and change a fuse   7. how a toilet works and what to do when it doesn’t   6. how to turn off the water in the basement   5. balance a checkbook   4. split logs   3. change a diaper   2. make basic white sauce   1. boil an egg     SECONDARY LIST OF NON-LIFE THREATENING BUT LIFE ENHANCING THINGS A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE SHOULD KNOW;   10. how to be a good listener   9. how to care for small engines   8. how to run a chain saw   7. how to ride a bike   6. how to drive a stick shift   5. the difference between baking soda and baking powder   4. when you’re drunk   3. when to lie   2. how to fold a fitted sheet   1. when to stop making top ten lists         January 14, 2005 “Do you smile to tempt a lover, Mona Lisa, Or is this your way to hide a broken heart?”          Having seen Mona Lisa Smile with Julia Roberts as the art professor who doesn’t fit in at the conservative Wellesley College in the Fifties, I realize that I have become a period piece.  The movie captured collegiate life at that time, with all its prejudices and faults, and I saw my four years at Wheaton reproduced fairly accurately. We wore hats and gloves and slips.  Slips, because what if you stand in a light and someone sees your LEGS!  Horrors!  Heavens!  We all have legs, usually two.  What was the big deal?  And garter belts and girdles?  Good Grief!  We rolled hoops, did the Maypole thing, wore freshman Beanies and in our senior year, the dean, a spinster named Leona Colpitts, presented us with a RECIPE BOOK and said she was proud that we would be wonderful mothers and wives. There’s nothing like an education to improve your making beds with hospital corners!      Both my mother and Aunt Dot wrote in my autograph book in 1948 that their life ambition was to be a good wife and mother. All my friends, then 11 years old, put as their life ambition to be a housewife, with an occasional nurse, airline stewardess or secretary. So it’s no wonder that the majority of girls at Wheaton, class of ’58, had a life’s ambition to be married and have a family.           Of course well educated mothers are a tremendous asset, but it wasn’t until  Betty Friedan came along in 1963 with her Feminine Mystique that some of us realized there could be more!       The movie ends with Barbara Streisand singing “Smile, though your heart is breaking” and “Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness” and so on.  What’s that all about?  Is this implying that, like Mona Lisa, we were smiling while our hearts were breaking?  No we weren’t!  We liked the idea of our husbands going off to work while we stayed home, enjoying the kids and letting modern machinery do our work.  What’s wrong with that?  So keep on smilin’!      January 7, 2005                                           The Ding Dongs      So Isabelle wants to join a bell choir? It’s such a memorable experience.      My Junior Bell Choir had only one requirement.  They had to read music;  the bottom line is E, first space, F, etc.  But in times of need, when only one or two kids showed up, I waived the requirements and painstakingly wrote the letters into the music. Or, “you play your bell on the underlined word” like “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells”  Consequently we had kids from ages 5 to 15. I think Willie was about 10 when he absentmindedly stuck his F5 down the front of his elastic waist pants.  Mark was 12 when, during a Church performance, he lost his grip on the big bass C3 and it went sailing out over the communion rail into the first row.      The Senior Bell Choir was an assortment of professors, doctors, mothers, nurses, teachers. What a feeling of togetherness!  In one of our rare outside performances for Christmas, the top table was approached by the Neighborhood Nutcase, who kept picking the bells up for inspection. It’s a challenge to play four bells at once and also keep an eye on the woman who’s apparently about to walk off with the remains of the fifth octave.  And how can we forget our well-meant trip to the local nursing home, where the members of the audience were holding their ears and screaming from their wheelchairs, “Turn them down!” as the overtones were playing havoc with their hearing aids.      Join a bell choir, Isabelle?  Definitely a resounding Ding Dong Ding!     December 30, 2004                                         Winter? Disaster?   I had a cutsey little piece ready for this week’s commentary – winter, the life-threatening icicle, the annoyances of winter travel, the inconvenience of three feet of snow – when the tsunami hit Southern Asia.  Suddenly what I wrote was trivial.  Three feet of snow versus thirty feet of water?  Horrible, heartbreaking and where was our President for three days?  Get out there, George W.!  Help these people!  What a disaster! December 24, 2004 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!   December 17, 2004 NO NEWS IS NO NEWS     I am a news junkie; breakfast with CNN, lunch with Local 12 and always, religiously, after dinner with Dan or Tom.  This year saw quite a glut of newsworthy stories thanks to the elections and the war and the Red Sox.  But now there’s a lull, no, not just a lull, but a dearth of news. The networks are really struggling...just how much more of Scott Peterson do we need?      So rather than spend 30 minutes with commercials and news fluff, let’s just begin the broadcast with “5 Americans killed, unkown number of Iraquis dead, there is no more news, good night” and spend the half hour reading a good book.   December 10, 2004           THE ULTIMATE PEACE PLAN        Someone, George Saunders by name, has finally come up with the perfect solution to the world’s problems, and I hereby sum up his delightful article from the Dec. 6 NEW YORKER.  He figured out that if all three hundred million Americans packed up a thirty-day supply of food and stuff and went to live with the twenty-five million Iraqis, we could rebuild the place in short order. With sixty Americans living with an Iraqi family of five, although a little crowded, we could attend to their every need.  Dinner? We’ll fix it.  Clean up? Don’t move. And here’s some dessert.      And what insurgent is going be effective when he’s tailed by his twelve designated Americans who talk loudly and ask superficial questions?      Meanwhile, the Palestinians can be relocated to the now deserted American West, and all Israelis can migrate to the American East, and the Mississippi River will be patrolled by the National Guard, keeping them apart. All Canadians will move into Palestine and Israel, build mansions alternating Palestinian and Israeli and form a new country Plisraelistine.  Everyone in Kosovo will temporarily inhabit Canada and rejoice in the mountainous space, rarely seeing each other and slowly releasing all the tension that has built up.      In the end, we’ll return home, the Iraqis, sated and plump and gone soft after months of peace, will stay on their couches watching their new TV and one of the 200 channels now available by satellite. The Palestinians and Israelis will love their new homes and all enmities will disappear. The Canadians can go home as the Kosovars return, thankful to be free of the threat of bears and wolves and resolved anew to give peace a chance.      I love it. And as Saunders ends his article, “On to the Sudan!” December 3, 2004 A CHICAGO MOMENT         In the spirit of Christmas, let’s put aside all negative thoughts about commerce, profit and exploitation of children.  Instead, let’s think about all the happy little girls (and their parents, grandparents and siblings) who joined me in Chicago the day after Thanksgiving to jostle, shove, push, huff and puff our way through the crowded streets to enter the American Girl Place.      I and three granddaughters, along with their dolls Kit, Kaylie and Kristen enjoyed an hour long musical with messages of sweetness and kindness. We shopped, we made decisions,we watched little brother meltdown in the sleepwear room, we oohed and aahed and stood reverently in front of the case that held EVERY AMERICAN GIRL DOLL MADE!!      But the highlight for me, and what forgives the crass commerciality of it all, was the dinner in the American Girl Cafe. Where the hostess doesn’t ask how many? but how many dolls? and provides booster seats for Kit, Kaylie and Kristen. Where the hors d’oeuvres are carrot and celery sticks along with crackers and hummus, where the napkin ring is a scrunchie you can take home, and where a box of conversation starters provides topics like, “What’s your favorite song? What do you like to eat after school?”and so on.      I have faith in the future, not because the Republicans are in control of Congress, and not because we are forcing freedom and democracy on the hapless Iraqis, but because on a Friday after Thanksgiving in Chicago there’s a dining room full of people eating a good meal, and one third of the clientele are dolls.       November 26, 2004                        MOTHER'S DAY   With sad heart, yet rejoicing that she left us in a timely and peaceful way, I give the world my mother's life; Florence Irene Bigelow Roghaar of Delray Beach, FL, died in her sleep November 19, 2004 at the age of 98.  She was born April 14, 1906 in Dorchester, MA, the only daughter of Marion Kelley and Nathaniel Foote Bigelow, who traced his ancestors to the Puritains who arrived in the Massachusetts Bay Colony from England in 1630.      Florence grew up on a farm in Colchester, CT, went to Morse Business College in Hartford, CT, learned to type and take shorthand and then got a job. She met her future husband, George Roghaar, taking saxophone lessons, and sang and danced her way through the Depression in a Gypsy routine with her friend Florence Parker.      As a resident of Winchester and Arlington, MA. she was a member of Zonta International, the Arlington Philharmonic Society, Friends of the Drama and the Order of the Eastern Star. She sang in the choir of the Arlington Pleasant Street Congregational Church for many years. She traveled around the world and delighted in bringing home gifts to her grandchildren.      Throughout her long life Florence was loved by her friends and family for her generous heart, cheerful disposition and sense of humor. She will be missed.      She leaves a son and daughter-in-law, George and Florence Roghaar of Boca Raton, FL, a daughter, Linda Roghaar of Amherst, MA, and a daughter, Natalie Harwood of Oxford, OH; grandchildren Beth and Louis Selesnik of Pompano Beach, FL, David and Corinna Roghaar of Mercer Island, WA, Peter and Lisa Roghaar of Lake Worth, FL, Hamilton and Heather Harwood of Syracuse, IN, Kelley Harwood and Chris Grace of Weston, MA, Josh Harwood and Michelene Todd of Woodbury, CT, Gareth and Heidi Harwood of Oconomowoc, WI, Miranda and John Brosier of Reily, OH, Sarah Treworgy and John deLaChapelle of Seattle, WA, Hannah Treworgy of Incheon, Korea and Jamaica Plain, MA; great-grandchildren Sean Callahan, Blake Selesnik, Zane Roghaar, Ryan Roghaar, Samantha Roghaar, Patrick Roghaar, Molly Harwood, Hannah Grace, Julia Grace, Austin Grace, Isabelle Harwood, Harrison Harwood, Alexandria Harwood, Olivia Harwood, Kerri Brosier, Emily Brosier and Jack Brosier.      Burial will be in the Mt. Pleasant Cemetery,Arlington, MA next to her loving husband and business partner of 35 years. Celebrations of her life will be held in the Pleasant Street Congregational Church in Arlington, MA on November 26 at 10:00 a.m. and on Easter Sunday, 2005, on the beach in Delray, FL   November 19, 2004   MID-FALL VACATION Highlights 1.Seeing a pair of pileated Woodpeckers in George’s front yard. 2.Wetland walking and seeing an alligator as big as your front porch (okay, my front porch is kinda small). 3.Walking on the beach in the morning with the wind whistling and the sandpipers hopping around on one leg. 4.Grandma on a good day, reminiscing about churning butter in the farm kitchen and driving the horse and buggy to town. 5.Mall shopping; got my Tiffany’s watch battery replaced. 6.Birthday party 7.Flying to Florida in two hours beats driving for two days   Lowlights 1.Ocean too rough for swimming. 2.Twisting my ankle climbing a dune. 3.Jamming my heel in the door...blood everywhere (well, it did require a band aid). 4.Mall shopping; $27 bubble bath. 5.Mall shopping: twisted ankle swells alarmingly. 6.Getting off I-95 at the wrong exit(squeezed off by a monster car carrier going 90 MPH)and trying to get to the car rental place; execute several U turns trying to get back on I-95...riding high over Belvedere Rd. on a newly opened skyway being hurdled through space toward God-knows-where  until I finally see a sign “Hertz” and manage to get there. 7.Delta planes are too crowded. Seat mate on return was very nervous and therefore made ME nervous. We were sitting at an exit row and got special instructions in case of emergency and the jittery young man made some snide comment like “IF we get there!”  “Heh heh” I politely laugh and inwardly quake. He was continually coughing and sniffing and twisting and turning and at the end of the flight, he was fiddling for a LONG and SUSPICIOUS time with his SHOES so finally I had to lean over and pretend to tie my shoes just to make sure he wasn’t a BOMBER!  He wasn’t.   November 12, 2004   Good-by to Summer        I enjoyed an Indian Summer evening this week, probably the last this year that I can sit by the open door and listen to the sounds of night. Living in the original Square Mile with students, faculty and retirees, I hear the smats of bean bags on the corn hole board, triumphant male shouts of YEAH! punctuating a victory, my neighbor, drilling away on his life long fence building project by porch light, and the scream of the siren of the volunteer Life Squad as they laboriously pull away to an emergency.      And when darkness falls, I hear a familiar beep beep, answered by another beep beep beep and then a steady hum, becoming fainter and fainter as late summer turns to fall, until finally, tonight, the beep beep is not answered, the hum has vanished and I’m left with the crunching of the racoon on my Doritos and the words of Carl Sandburg in “Splinter”   The voice of the last cricket across the first frost is one kind of good-by. It is so thin a splinter of singing.   November 5, 2004   Election Results          I’m disappointed of course.  But let’s face it, this is not the first time I voted for a LOSER!  Who else would have voted for John Gilligan, funeral director, for Governor of Ohio? or Adlai Stephenson, the philosopher, for President? or George McGovern, the peacenik?      Okay! I’m the person who inevitably gets in the slowest line at the grocery store.  So, remember, don’t get behind me and expect to win!   October 22, 2004   ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BASEBALL?   Top Ten Reasons to Watch October Baseball and not Monday Night Football   10. Football fans are animals.   9. Baseball . . . girlie fans.   8. You can easily distinguish the teams by their hats (NY, B) and colors (White, Gray).  Football helmets are too abstract and furthermore, who’s who when the Wings play the Wings?   7. Facial hair offers a diversion if there’s a pitcher’s duel (synonym for boring)   6. Sock styles offer a diversion . . .  No socks? Pants down over the shoes?  Dorky pull ups to the knee?   5.  Every inning has the potential of being the BIG ONE!   4. Freudian theory:  long hair requires energy from the brain to sustain growth.  Thus the long hair guy tries to run to third on an obvious single. Dumb. Out.   3. The Samson equation; long hair equals strength. Grand slam.     2. Who’s the Red Sox boy manager? Never mind, ESRUC EHT ESERVER!   And the number one reason for watching October baseball instead of Monday Night Football   1. No cheerleaders! No annoying John Madden.  Thousands of happy people!   September 9, 2004   TO CANDIDATES OF ALL PARTIES!   No more; speeches slogans ancedotes promises predictions e-mails phone calls nasty, misleading ads ancient history comments debates daughters   I’ve made up my mind. From now to election day, nothing will change Bush’s impact on the environment, his misconceived war in Iraq and its terrible, ongoing consequences, his errors in judgement, his simplification of complex issues or his arrogance toward our allies.   So Candidates! Stop! Give your remaining campaign money to the poor, to a well deserving educational institution, to the starving souls in Africa and give the rest of us a BREAK!   September 3, 2004   The Olympics          Just a word about the Olympics. What a happy event!  The opening parade was a stream of smiling, excited happy faces.  Like a Disney World parade!  Unbridled joy! And throughout the week, even the second and third place finishers were happy!      What a setting for the oldest sporting event in the world! What a thrill to see the shot put in the ancient stadium at Olympia!  And the marathon runners on  the same route of thousands of years ago! The only thing missing was the poetry, and Bob Costas did his best.      You’ve got to love the Greeks. The men wear skirts and dance and do they ever have HEART!  I’ll never forget my trip to Greece and our stay on the Ionian Sea Resort where the men came and danced with us and the next morning, as we left, the concierge and his family came out to wave goodbye.       So thanks to Athens and Greece for the Olympics, for Plato, for Aristotle, for tragedies, comedies, ad infinitum.      As Edith Hamilton put it, “To rejoice in life, to find the world beautiful and delightful to live in, was a mark of the Greek spirit” And so it is today. poli  eucaristo!     August 27, 2004   BRAVING THE STUDENTS        In BRAVING HOME, author Jake Halpern describes a man who stays in his home on the side of an erupting volcano even while he is surrounded by molten lava. Another refuses to leave his carport although a hurricane has destroyed the town. A stalwart woman keeps her home in the mountains over Malibu and fights ferocious fires by beating hot spots with soaked sacks. How far would you go, how much would you take before you abandoned your home?      I bring this up because the students are back in town, making makeshift homes for themselves.  In rented vans, family delivery trucks, u-hauls, SUV’s loaded to the rooftop, Miami students return to their alma mater (literally, “nourishing mother”) For a  good part of the year, Miami will be in loco parentis and Oxford will be their home. Those of us who are braving the Square Mile and living with student neighbors are bracing for outdoor parties, fast cars and beer cans lodged in our hedges.       Fortunately, I live on the quieter side of town, away from the fraternities and sports facilities. I enjoy having neighbors who appreciate my cookies,  who are actually quite considerate with their noise level and are always in their twenties.  After all, if they never grow old, why should I?   August 13, 2004                     August or Au-GUST        Either one comes from the Latin word augeo, to increase.  So if you, like the Emperor Augustus, have increased in power, prestige and possibly girth, you could be called au-GUST.       Usually AU-gust hosts the dog days of summer, lazy humid days that invite hours of reading in the hammock or basking in the sun on the beach. August 2004, however, is not hot.  In fact, today is downright cold (56 degrees this morning. So rather than feeling lazy, I feel fall-like and want to get out and play tennis.       August is usually pretty boring.  The softball season has long ended, Little Leaguers all go home, the ball fields grow weeds, the swim teams are done and out of the pool for this year and everyone and his uncle goes on vacation. The students have not come back yet and there are parking spaces everywhere. The only people working feverishly are the cement layers, carpenters and construction workers, all trying to finish up before the students return, all 15,000 of them, each with a car filled with their stuff and a need to drive FAST.      So we have a few more days of summer. Enjoy!   August 6, 2004                DON’T BE MY PET! I’m going to Hell.  I’ll try to get past those Pearly Gates of Heaven but I can see them all now, lined up, waiting for me --all the pets I’ve killed in my life, pointing their little paws at me, leering vengefully and yelling, “There SHE is!”      The turtle who disappeared from his bowl and reappeared days later to die on top of the upright piano, his neck falling out of his shell and pointing toward middle C.      The fish, all floating belly up at the top of the fish tank because I inadvertently turned the heater up to “scalding.” Sorry!      Butler, the untrainable hound dog, chained with a horse chain, running through the neighborhood followed by at least three Harwoods yelling, “BUUTTLER.”      The stray cat Spooky, whom I fed every night and then ran over on South College Ave with my new PT Cruiser. He probably recognized my car and was coming across the street to say hello and my front wheels missed him but the back wheels – thud – and I could see him in the rearview mirror rolling around like a squirrel (okay, I’ve killed them too).      My only excuse, Mr. Saint Peter, is that I’m REALLY SORRY!   July 16, 2004   Incident at the Mall or A Little Dirt Won’t Hurt You   Northgate Mall, in between Claire’s (every cheap hair ornament and earring known to man) and L and B’s Toy Store (every cheaply made toy in a package known to man and child) Participants: Grammy, Mandy, Kerri, Emily and Jack in his cheaply made umbrella stroller I keep permanently in the back of the car.   Jack suddenly jumps out of the stroller and runs back where we came from.   Kerri: He dropped his gum! Mandy, Grammy, Emily: Don’t worry about it, Jack!  We’ll get you another piece, Jack! Come on back, Jack! Jack: Gum Kerri: He’s standing on it!  It’s under his shoe! Mandy, Grammy, Emily: Get in your stroller, Jack!  Time to go home! Here’s another piece! Jack: Gum   He starts walking back to the stroller,   Kerri: There it is!  On the ground! Jack: Gum.   He turns around, runs quickly to the gum, now flattened and imprinted with the waffle pattern of his sandal, picks it up and pops it in his mouth. Girls:  EUUUUUW! Moral: TOO LATE NOW!!   July 2, 2004   NEKKID AS A JAY BIRD        I have noticed a couple of beautiful blue jays hanging around my back yard. They have been aggressive, chasing mourning doves, and yesterday I caught one actively pecking at a baby sparrow who was either dead or dying.  The jay didn’t devour his prey like the hawk did to the mourning dove last winter, plucking off the feathers, holding it down on the branch and gnawing.  Yuck. The jay certainly didn’t eat the baby sparrow as its corpse lies under the yew bush at this very minute.  More yuck.      So I looked up Blue Jay in my SIBLEY’S GUIDE TO BIRD BEHAVIOR (actually it’s under Jay, blue) and found that yes, they are aggressive and omnivorous. Blue jays eat insects and mast (nuts and seeds on the ground) and hop.  They may pair for life or not, much like people. Some maintain permanent territories, others not, much like people.  Females do most of the nest building, much like people.  Unlike other birds, jays are born naked, therefore, “nekkid as a jay bird”, much like people. They are social birds,(not in the sense of a party animal, like some people) gathering together to ward off predators.  Although most well known for their loud, raucous screech, they are capable of softer, more musical notes used in close quarters for communication with a mate or family member.   Jays feed their young many times a day and keep feeding them days and even months after leaving the nest.  Just like people.   June 11, 2004   REAGAN’S FUNERAL     For a few days this week, we were transported from the usual world of fast food, fast access to the internet, fast videos and fast film clips, to the state funeral for President Ronald Reagan. Thanks to national television, we were slowed to 20 miles per hour in a procession interspersed with truly funereal-paced events.  The ceremony in the presidential library in California was moving. Nancy Reagan, freed from her caregiving duties, yet now without her lifetime companion, walked up to the casket with her daughter, put her cheek on the flag and then spent a few moments embracing her daughter. A private moment caught on TV. As she walked up the steps to the plane that would take her to the public ceremonies in Washington, she turned and waved and the crowd below applauded, at first hesitantly, a little uncertain as to the proper response. After all, she is a widow, going to her husband’s funeral. But her wave and slight smile seemed to encourage them, and they continued to applaud, not raucous like a campaign crowd, or loudly enthusiastic like a patriotic gathering, but it seemed just for  her, politely, with affection, like a comforting pat on the back.  And then Washington, D.C. How beautiful all that classical architecture is before a blue sky. CNN used the word gravitas, so fitting for the solemnity and weight of the state funeral.  The military is so good at this.  Hup hup, all together in perfect step. The catafalque, invoking the Etruscan tombs and classical temples sits in the center of our American Pantheon. Ronald Reagan was a good man. Whether he was a good president I will leave to the historians. Nancy was a good, devoted partner, and I hope I can walk as well as she does at 82. I wish I was that thin.   SICK OF CICADAS   Cicada pie, cicada cookies, cicada stew, cicada soup, Cicada candy, cicada cake, cicada rhubarb dessert, Cicada fever, cicada neuroses, cicada chills, cicada phobia, Cicada mania, cicada philia, cicada misocicadany, You swat ‘em, bat ‘em, you swing, you sweep, You yell, you curse, you shake your fist, They’re killing your trees, messing your sidewalks and bursting your eardrums. Remind me, in 2021, to LEAVE THE COUNTRY.   May 21. 2004   BIRD BYTES   Interesting facts about birds, from THE SIBLEY GUIDE TO BIRD LIFE AND BEHAVIOR;   Birds are the only vertebrate group in which all species reproduce using external eggs.  This is because carrying young makes you heavy (tell me about it!) and birds need to be light because of all the time they spend in the air.   I always thought that birds were like people without arms, and that explains why  they have a greater number of neck vertebrae than mammals, allowing them to reach objects, including their own bodies, with their bills.    Birds have 13 to 25 neck vertebrae, whereas you and I have only seven. Owls can turn their heads 180 degrees.   Birds actually walk on their toes.  What looks like their knees are their ankles.  Their knees are usually hidden up close to their body.   Of all the organisms living on Earth, only birds have feathers.  Which explains why they flock together.     the carpenters Weekly Commentaries -  New Ideas Every  Friday! April 30, 2004 BIRD WATCHING COUCH POTATO STYLE        We  have in town some avid bird watchers, who form Societies, have expensive binoculars and whose idea of fun is to bundle up in down jackets and go stand in the middle of a field in the dead of winter. My idea of bird watching is to lie on my couch, craftily positioned so I can see the bird feeder without lifting my head, and having within arm’s reach my own expensive binoculars,even though I’m not ten feet away. “Blinded” by the glass doors, the binoculars allow some close up viewing.  I can watch robins sing - lots of throat and neck action – and mourning doves as they huff and puff.      I keep track of the birds who have come into my back yard in my bird book, handily stored under the couch, also withing arm’s reach.    This morning (a lovely Sunday in spring, warm enough to have the door open and to hear the birds) I’m reading the New York Sunday Times, when suddenly a flash of yellow appears at the fence.  I grab my binoculars. Yes! It’s a small bird in bright yellow with a complete black hood. It flits and flops and doesn’t stay put long enough for a photo op, barely long enough for a binocular op, but I get several good glimpses and out comes the bird book.  A black hooded warbler! Wow! Under similar circumstances I have also seen an American redstart, a bright black and orange bird that flies like a butterfly.  Really!      I love watching birds.  They’re free, truly wild, and make pleasant noises, unlike carpenters, garbage trucks and loud stereos.  I hate the idea that we are slowly destroying habitats, losing species and generally making the world less beautiful for future  generations.  I contribute to Conservancies and am pinning my hopes for the future on like minded naturalists around the world. Vive Les Oiseaux!     April 23, 2004     TOP TEN REASONS FLORIDIANS RUN RED LIGHTS   10. They’re trying to beat the boat to the drawbridge. 9. It’s 3:30 and they want to get to the early bird special. 8. It’s 4:30 and if they hurry they can get to another early bird special which they won’t eat but will take  home on a styrofoam plate for a snack before bedtime at 8:00. 7. They’ve voted, and if they hurry, they can get to the next county and vote again. 6. They’re late for the monthly meeting of Delray Beach Retired Terrorists.   THEY RUN RED LIGHTS BECAUSE THEY KNOW THE PEOPLE STOPPED AT THE OTHER LIGHT   5. Have a reaction time of a minute and a half. 4. Are waiting for the drawbridge to go down 3. Are in the left turn lane and they really want to go straight but if they do they’ll be killed 2. Have played their round of golf, have had breakfast of supersized Belgian Waffles with whipped cream, strawberries, sausage and bacon, so now, what’s the point? 1. Are napping.     April 16, 2004 The Question of the Day        I know why my mailbox is stuffed with catalogues.  It’s because I order from them once in a while.  But for the life of me, I can’t remember ever ordering from VIVRE, a catalogue that has almost nothing wearable, useable or suitable for Grandma Tally.  That doesn’t stop me from reading it, however, and wondering who would wear 4" stilletto heel sandals? Ouch! How can anyone walk on 4" heels?  Or pay $150 for a sterling silver breath strip case? What is a breath strip?  Are we talking TikTaks? What to do with a $200 gilded pectin shell? $200 would buy a few books that would be much more entertaining than looking at a gilded shell.  Who buys this stuff? A wooden egg in a stand...$500??  Is this the reason the Iraqis hate us? Is this a commentary or simply a series of questions?  Isn’t that what life is, anyhow? April 9, 2004 Central Asia Here We Come!     My education, a 50’s Bachelor of Arts with a Classics major, was so provincial that I graduated convinced that there were two kinds of literature; British, the better, and American, Johnny-come-lately and therefore inferior. God forbid we should ever read Australian or South American or anything written on any continent other than North America and Europe.      But the world and my world view is changing and it turns out there is a section of Earth called Central Asia, and although I have not read any literature from there, I have at least read a book ABOUT Central Asia which is a start.  Coincidentally the Sunday Times had an article about China beginning to expand into its portion of Central Asia, with trains, towns and other accoutrements of civilization.       From the book I just read, THE LAST SECRETS OF THE SILK ROAD,it appears there is plenty of room for expansion.  The author, plodding by horse and camel the 5,000 miles from Turkey to China and following the route taken by the early traders including Marco Polo and Alexander, finds few people and lots of sand, snow and mountains. The western part of Central Asia, which does not belong to China, instead belongs to those mysterious Stans we’ve been laughing about on the New Yorker cover; but Stan is a real guy (oh, okay, a country) and beyond the familiar Afghanistan and Pakistan, we have Uzbekistan (just recently in the news, unfortunately, as a site of more terrorist bombing), Turkmenistan, Kazakhstan, Tajikistan and the unpronounceable Kyrgyzstan.     So who are these people?  Why wasn’t I told about them in college? Probably because oil hasn’t been discovered there yet. The point being that the world is getting smaller and you can learn just so much in school and it takes the rest of your life to fill in the gaps. So start reading! April 2, 2004 Thomas L. Friedman for President’s Advisor!     Thomas L. Friedman, writer for the New York Times, had a wholly wonderful column last Sunday.  In it he dreams for good news, and I agree completely.  He writes in part; “I so hunger to wake up and be surprised with some really good news. . .that President Bush has decided to offer a real alternative to the stalled Kyoto Protocol to reduce global warning. . . that 10,000 Palestinian mothers marched on Hamas headquarters to demand that their sons and daughters never again be recruited for suicide bombings. . . that Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia invited Ariel Sharon to his home in Riyadh to personally hand him the Abdullah peace plan and Mr. Sharon responded by freezing Israeli settlements as a good will gesture. . . that President Bush has replaced his limo with an armor-plated Toyota Prius, a hybrid car that gets over 40 miles to the gallon. . . that Dick Cheney has apologized to the U.N. and all our allies for being wrong about WMD in Iraq, but then appealed to our allies to join with the U.S. to help Iraqis build some kind of democratic framework. . .that Tom DeLay called for a tax hike on the rich in order to save Social Security and Medicare for the next generation and to finance all our underfunded education programs. . .that Mr. Bush has announced a Manhattan Project to develop renewable energies that will end America’s addiction to crude oil by 2010. . . .that Mel Gibson just annnounced that his next film will be called “Moses”  and all profits will be donated to the Holocaust Museum, and most of all,that John Kerry just asked John McCain to be his vice president, because if Mr. Kerry wins, he intends not to waste his four years avoiding America’s hardest problems – health care, deficits, energy, education – but to tackle them, and that can only be done with a bipartisan spirit and bipartisan team.” Yeah Buddy!  and I want to wake up and find Thomas Friedman ensconced in the Kerry White House as First Advisor!   March 26, 2004 Top Ten Reasons NOT to Clean Out the Garage   10. What will you find at the bottom of the wood pile? 9. You discover you have three identical leaf rakes. 8. You now have FOUR mayonnaise jars filled with screws, bent nails, useless hooks and other metal thingies you’ll never use. 7. Paint cans with rock solid paint can not be legally disposed of. 6. Unless you wrap them in Christmas wrapping paper and they “accidentally” fall into the rubbish. 5. You have been faithfully keeping mystery objects; long plastic tubes, very long metal pipe, tool with bent prong, paint covered tool, door weight attached to nothing and electric wires also attached to nothing. 4. Bags of garden aids (seeds, fillers, fertilizer) all have holes in the bottom chewed by critters 3. who also leave little surprises in corners, under tables, at the bottom of the wood pile. 2. you’d have to wash 20 years of dirt from the windows   and number 1 reason NOT to clean out the garage   It's too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry and and then you have to start cleaning the SECOND FLOOR! March 19, 2004 DON’T LOOK!   Oh, you’re looking! My first encounter with the dreaded “Don’t look!” scream was in Winchester, MA.  I was about 8 years old and we were out looking for our dumb dog who kept wandering off.  We were at the intersection of Wildwood Ave. and State Rte. 3, a very busy road.  We see Dumb Dog on the other side, who at the same time sees us, and happily starts making a bee line for us, totally ignoring the speeding traffic.  “Don’t Look!” shouts my mother, grabbing my head. The dog did not get hit, but I was scarred for life.      Mark used to show French films in his high school French class and sometimes they would show more than American public high schools would approve.  His version of “Don’t look!” consisted of going to the front of the movie projector and deftly closing the lens cover.      One day I was standing outside my house with my daughter and her family, just shooting the breeze.  My neighbor was unloading some furniture from his rental truck. We weren’t paying much attention to him until suddenly there was a slight commotion.  “Don’t look!” shouts my son-in-law. “He fell off the truck with a lamp!”  So  we all averted our eyes, peeking discreetly to make sure he wasn’t lying in pain in the gutter, and hoping we saved him some embarrassment.      Of course there have been times when I wish someone had yelled, “Don’t look!”  I’m thinking of seeing a child on a city street in Buffalo, hit by a truck, and people yelling, “Go get Martha! It’s her Willy!”      I guess the moral is, when someone says, “Don’t look”, it’s probably best not to.  Remember, I didn’t say, “Don’t Read!”      March 12, 2004 NEWS FROM OUR TOWN   Here are some real items from the Police Reports section of our weekly newspaper;        Joseph Clockman, 19, was cited for theft after allegedly attempting to shoplift a package of chicken from  Kroger’s on Jan. 31. The chicken was safely returned to the store. And returned to the meat department where I picked it up????        An Old Oxford Road resident reported on Jan. 14 that someone squirted lotion on her vehicle while she was at Talawanda High School. Maybe it had chapped fenders.        A 1209 College Corner Pike resident reported on Jan. 23 someone stole her dishwasher. Stop, Thief! He’s running away with my dishwasher!        Carlos Hernandez, 21, of Chicago, was cited for breaking and entering on Jan. 30 after being found at Anatriptic Arts Massage, 211 S. Elm Street (right across the street from me in the Old Hotel).  He was found hiding in a closet and said he knew people who lived there. Oh, yeah? Like who?               March 5, 2004 THE RIGHT THING TO DO II        Not only is it important to do the right thing (see Commentary of last week) but now, thanks to the Jackson costume malfunction and the Howard Stern Mouth, we have a Congressional hearing on what’s DECENT.      Being the moral prude that I am, I love the word “decent.”  It comes from the Latin “decet” meaning, “to add grace to, to adorn, to become.”  The Romans served their country by holding public office and serving in the Senate without pay.  They did this, for one reason, because it was “becoming’, i.e., it made them look good.      I’m not suggesting that all decent U.S. Senators give up their pay, but I do think that we might start judging behavior, both public and private, as to whether it is becoming, not whether it adheres to the Christian faith, or whether your grandmother would approve. So now, perhaps, we can see the difference between Jesse Jackson (putting aside your political views, a decent man) and Janet Jackson (not so decent, okay, INDECENT, even though, ironically, she would love to see herself as well adorned and becoming). February 27, 2004              THE RIGHT THING TO DO         What really annoys me is that white haired guy with the mustache, Wilford Brimley, with his Quaker Oats in one hand, and pointing authoritatively at me with the other, saying “It’s the Right Thing to Do.”   Wait a sec. Is this the same as George W. bombing Baghdad and insisting time and time again, “It was the right thing to do”? How does one person KNOW when it’s the right thing to do?  I’ll tell you what’s the right thing to do.      I had a student, a sweet, overweight, young ninth grade girl, who could hammer out a five paragraph essay, but couldn’t get from one class to another without a monumental effort to pull herself together. Papers jammed in notebooks, homework all wrinkled and sticky, she just was unorganized. One day, after class was over, she was struggling to get all her belongings into her backpack and pick up her purse and walk and she got to the middle of the room when everything fell out of her purse onto the floor.  Lipstick, pens, money, cheap jewelry, kleenex, bouncing all around like Mexican jumping beans.  Just leaving in front of her was the class hero, football idol, cool, sophisticated. He turned, saw the unfortunate one, stopped, knelt down and started to help her pick stuff up.  Now, THAT was the right thing to do. How did he know that? Who taught him? I’m guessing, but perhaps we teach our children by example. And that means you have to spend time with your kids . Quality time. The Good Samaritan. Hang in there, parents.    February 20, 2004                   My Garage        My garage was built around 1912 to go with my neighbor’s house. When you look at the two structures head on, you have to think “barn” with that second floor, the  barn like roof and two windows in the front, ostensibly for throwing out bales of hay or pulling them in. I’m sure it was not built to be a working barn.  There’s no room for stalls and there never has been any evidence that it was used as a stable except for the lone horseshoe found in the back yard.  Nowadays it would be called a faux barn, but for the 32 years I have lived here, it has always been “the garage.”      What stories this garage has to tell. For a brief time it was used as an artist’s studio. There’s no running water and we found out later that he used to pee out the back window. Then the teenagers took it over for sleep overs, parties and God knows what. A monkey in diapers died in it and a disturbed person tried to commit suicide by driving in and closing the door. And I’m just pulling this stuff off the top of the memory pile.      I bring this up because now that I’m retired I’m resolved to “tackle the garage.”  Thirty two years of accumulated stuff; painting tools I will never use again, clay pots and bags of garden fertilizer at least 20 years old, broken lawn chairs, unfinished cabinets, window shades, parts of trellises, lumber of all shapes and sizes, part of a heating duct, and I’m just scratching the surface of the first floor. Heavy weights once used to open the door, since replaced by an electric door opener, now lie in each corner, unattached to anything and just gathering dirt.  I would say “dust” but the garage is definitely covered with layers of dirt. I will tackle the garage. It has top priority on my spring cleaning list. I will. Just as soon as it gets just a little warmer.   February 12, 2004                  FEBRUARY        Does anyone ever say Feb-ROO-ary?  Don’t we all say Feb-YOU-ary?  And why don’t we have a constitutional amendment about this?      February is the month of illness, coming from the Latin, febris, meaning fever, and giving credence to such words as febrific, producing fever, febrility, feverishness and febrifuge, getting rid of fever. Reports from my grandchildren confirm this unhappy tendency.  Colds, stomach flus – they’re all here in February.      Going right along with this is the original Latin God Februus, who was in charge of purifications.  What better time to purify than after the fever and for Spring Cleaning? In Roman times the Februa were the instruments of cleansing; a broom made from pine boughs, salt and grain sprinkled on the floor and then swept away.       So as soon as you’re out of the sick bed, get out that purifying dust cloth and get to work.  Then when spring really gets here, you can head outside and start cleaning and purifying your garden.      February 6, 2004                Super Bowl 38   Super Bowl 38, Oh, sorry, XXXVIII (another example how Roman numerals give prestige to an unclassical sport) was a great football game.  Big sweaty guys showing their ability to think (pass or run?  right or left?) as well as push and shove each other.  Actually I’m aware of the intellectual challenges of football.  The quarterback doesn’t have that cheat sheet on his wrist for nothing.  It was a close, suspenseful game and was humanized by failings - the kicker misses a easy 30 yard field goal attempt, somebody is sidelined with a mundane bloody nose.         What strikes me is how large people are becoming.  The professional football players are HUGE. Three hundred pounds, six foot four.  Whether chemically enhanced or not (and certainly all those tall basketball players weren’t born that way) each generation gets bigger.  Which reminds me of my favorite theory of how the dinosaurs became extinct.  No flying meteor from out of space. Oh no.  They became extinct because they got so big that they finally just fell over and coudn’t get up. I think we’re heading for a similar fate.      Footnote; I spent the time between Super Bowl Halves reading PONTIUS PILOT by Ann Wroe so I missed the Janet Jackson Show.  Oh darn.  At the rate our society is morally degenerating, we’ll all probably die in another Wrathful Flood from God before we can grow big enough to topple over. January 30, 2004                                   BIRD MURDER        It happened last year just about this time.  Snow had been on the ground for at least a week.  I heard a huge THUD on the sliding glass door and a minute later I saw a smudge about three quarters of the way up. Following the trail of feathers and blood, to my horror I saw a large, red-tailed hawk up in the tree, holding on to the still squirming body of a mourning dove and methodically plucking the feathers.  Then he proceeded to EAT it!  Yuck. This behavior was confirmed by my ornithologist friend who recounted his seeing a hawk chasing a DUCK!  Anyhow, that was last year and it only happened once. I took pictures.      So this year, as the snow piled up, I thought about the murderous behavior of last year. Yesterday, as I was returning from the garage, I startled a large bird perched at the foot of the sliding glass door. He quickly picked up his prey and flew off, leaving behind a LOT of feathers, blood and the now familiar dove-sized smudge on the glass door.  Could it be the same hawk?  Did he use the same modus operandi, that is, to chase the terrified mourning dove (they’re so dumb,”coo,coo”) into smashing into the door and picking up his victim, etc. etc.?  Only time will tell.  Stick around for next year.  Meanwhile, the mourning doves just keep coming around the feeder, blissfully unaware that the hawk has their number. January 23, 2004          Walking With Gulls   Went walking with the gulls last weekend.  While the world was watching Iowa, I was standing on the brink of the United States with nothing between me and the Canary Islands.  I discovered that if you walk very slowly and quietly, and if there is no one on the beach except you and some lady who is standing on the top of the dune, slowly moving her arms and legs and water bottle to some mysterious pattern, then the gulls and the sandpipers just walk along with you. So I walked the beach with the gulls, gray and white with black tipped wings, and the sandpipers; brown, red legged, brown legged, spotted, partly white, but ALL running fast in every direction and occasionally being aggressive toward each other. I, on the other hand, was not running anywhere, and certainly not being aggressive, but enjoying the solitude of a Florida beach at 8 o’clock in the morning and thinking, not about the cold winds of Iowa or New Hampshire, but how warm the sunrise felt, how soft the breeze, and how lucky I am to be me and not a gull or a sandpiper.      January 19, 2004                Winter Torpor             It’s time for Winter Torpor, a wonderful word that comes from the Latin verb torpeo meaning to be stiff. (Our word torpedo is also related to torpeo and was used by the Romans to describe a fish whose sting produced numbness and stiffness). In birds and animals torpor is a state of inactivity sometimes achieved by a lowered body temperature during hibernation. In teenagers, during aestivation, a summer time version of hibernation, torpor is achieved by a lack of ambition that comes with summer vacation and unemployment. I’ve seen two year olds who are outgrowing their naps slip into torpor for a few minutes, gathering their strength to finish the day. The old power nap with your eyes open. Probably Juliet was in a state of torpidity as she lay on her bier in the Capulet’s tomb. And I myself am guilty of being in torpor as the the winter sky remains gray all day, the fire crackles, my down coverlet makes a nest of my couch and the chicken soup simmers on the stove filling the house with a warming, comfortable aroma of garlic and lemon. Ummmmmm. Zzzzzzzzz.   January 9, 2004 Warning Lights of Life   Every new car I get has added gadgets. Some are just reminders; fasten your seat belt! or you’ve left the keys in the car! or, time to get some gas!  Others are more alarming in the form of pulsating beeps; someone is stealing your car!  Your lights are on! So when are we going to invent little warning lights of the mind?  Heaven only knows we’ve invented  everything else; thinking typewriters, talking phones that take pictures, cars with seats that remember and steering wheels that warm your hands. So where is the little flashing light (maybe in the form of a yapping mouth) that goes on when you talk too much? How about a miniature smiley face that goes on when you’re having a bad day? How about a pulsating heart when you haven’t said “I love you”? Or a beeping sad face :( when you forget to say “I’m sorry?” Surely the world would benefit if your mind could produce back up signals (beep...beep) that tell you to “back down”, “step back” or “give the guy some space.”  I know I could use a flashing sign, maybe in the shape of a hot fudge sundae with a big red X on it when the scales point to a certain terminus ad quem. How about a pulsating alarm bell when your fly is open? Your slip is showing? And for every generation, a new set of signals; hair in disarray?  a flashing brush and comb; snot on your nose? a nose shining brightly; late for an appointment? a little clock.  Finally, for those people who need a warning that you’re getting into a tizzy, and you know who you are, a little blood pressure signal going up! Or perhaps a picture of a molehill that miraculously turns into a mountain! I’ve got to stop.  That yapping mouth signal just came on.           January 2, 2004                                        New Year's Resolution Make none. Happy New Year! December 25, 2003 Winter   Is it because I was recently in Florida where reds, yellows, oranges and all shades of green stimulate my color senses, that the black, white, grays and browns of winter seem so stark this year? Or is it the early snow that creates white outlines on every black branch overhead where my green canopy used to be? Is it the cold weather which makes permanent the two inch white armrest on the Adirondack chair outside my window and hardens the merinque topping on my bird bath lemon pie? Or is it the full moon  that turns the sky into an orange-gray softness at night and creates those intricate black silhouettes on the unbroken snow?       No matter.  When a pair of cardinals break the gloomy colorscape with their bright red and dusky brown presence, and when at night a single window shines with an orange light and  blue-white smoke billows up from a chimney, then I know that winter with all its gray and brown and black and white can be beautiful. And BTW, Merry Christmas! December 18, 2003 MAKING THE WORLD SAFE FOR DEMOCRACY   Woodrow Wilson brought our country into World War I saying “The world must be made safe for democracy.”  Then came World War II, the Korean War, Vietnam and on and on. So the question: Is Saddam Hussein the last evil man on earth?  Will all evil men, seeing this man’s pathetic capture, now say to themselves, “I’ll stop the torture, the killing, the making of Weapons of Mass Destruction because George W. will get me?  Is Mehn-tal-Lee Ihl in North Korea shaking in his boots and rewriting his torture policies and re-tooling his Weapons of Mass Destruction machines?  Are we done with the Hitlers and the Caligulas for all time?       I hope so. And I’ll vote for George W. for the rest of his and my life if his army in Iraq and his catching Saddam Hussein means no more evil despots and suffering of innocents.  I really would.      I hope I’m wrong when I say that it’s hard to believe that democracy will reign all over the world (although history shows that it appears to be heading in that direction) and, even more importantly, with democracy will come World Peace.  I can only hope that man has become civilized enough to realize that physical brutality and enslavement of people gets you nowhere.      Finally, I dare say that throughout history, the male despots and tyrants have far outnumbered the female.  Let’s free the women of the world and put them in the driver’s seat (literally, in Saudi Arabia).  Let’s have more Grandma Rulers and see if the violence and cruelty diminishes. Go Girl! December 11, 2003  Presidential Election Round One   Where is Abraham Lincoln when we need him? Tall, resourceful, principled.  John Kerry LOOKS like him, but I’m afraid, John, Abraham Lincoln you are NOT. The candidates are either too wimpy (Lieberman), too young (Edwards), too blonde (Gephardt), too shoot from the hip (Bush, Clark) too inexperienced (Braun, Sharpton), too dye-your-hair (Kucinich). Maybe Howard Dean but he always looks a little surprised that he’s on the list.  I’d vote for Hillary Clinton any day. She’s smart, careful, thoughtful and experienced.   Questions for the candidates at the next debate; What do you read to be informed? Whom would you choose to help you? What do you have for breakfast? (Start the day wisely and the rest will follow) Have you raised a child? Do you own a gun? Have you shopped for groceries lately? When you get up in the morning do you make your own bed?  Put on slippers? (Okay, I’m just nosey) and DEFINITELY not Al Gore until he FIXES HIS HAIR!    December 4, 2003                 Here Come’s Winter!        The Fall holidays are done; orange and brown are out, red, white and green are in. The wood is stacked, the streets have been cleaned, the garden hose detached,the lawn mower oiled and moved to the back of the garage, making way for the snow shovel. The leaves are all down except for a few stubborn clingers, the finches and robins have flown south and Christmas is approaching.      A raccoon appears near my back door. He has a beautiful winter coat, all fuzzy and clean and multicolored. In the morning the cars on the street are covered with frost or a light dusting of snow and as they move out they leave a cloud of steam. People walk faster to work, wear jackets and coats and mittens and gloves.  Winter is coming and I love it. Friday, November 28, 2003 No Horizons with Verizon!  Awful.   Of course we have horizons. And no telephone company can take them away. When Verizon first came on the market, I thought that it was pronounced VERY-zon, and it was quite a stretch to figure out what they were trying to invoke. All companies try to have you conjure up an image as you say the name, as in Cinergy, you think Cincinnati Energy, Microsoft, a soft microphone, and so I had VERY-zon, pulling up a picture of a very sound? a very tone? a very tall son?  But, it turns out, it should be pronounced ver-EYE-zon, and thence hor-EYE-zon which can not be abolished, no matter how many cell phones are beeping. My dictionary says that a horizon is “a circle that bounds the part of the earth’s surface visible from a given point.” You will always have a horizon, whether it be your neighbor’s rooftop or a distant mountain peak. No horizons?  And say what you will about Floriduh, it has spectacular horizons. Nothing can compare to standing on the beach, having the wind blowing the waves into white topped breakers, the sandpipers skittering on the shore, the flock of majestic pelicans floating above and looking out over the horizon where the sky and the curve of the earth meet and there’s nothing between you and Portugal. No horizons? Turn off your cell phone. Turn off the TV.  Take an evening walk and watch the sun set on the real horizon. It’s free.          Friday, November 21, 2003 Thanksgiving   Are we the only animal that takes such delight in communal, social eating? Sparrows eat together, but they don’t seem to be enjoying it much. Lions gather round the carcass, but only out of necessity.   Certainly we are the only ones that send out invitations, plan for days ahead, put a leaf in the table and dredge up extra chairs. There are no records of big family dinners among the cave dwellers, but we do know that Julius Caesar outdid himself once by setting up 22,000 tables and serving dinner to everyone. Now, that’s a lot of salad, Caesar! The early Celts were famous for their raucous banquets.  They literally fought for the best portion of the pig (I have no idea what that would be) and so much wine was consumed that dinner could easily turn into a brawl.  Nowadays, even though some family dinners come precariously close to  brawl, there’s rarely violence, and most often dinners, especially holiday dinners, are times of reunions, pleasant conversation and good food. It’s a time to remember to be grateful for the basic necessities that most of us enjoy.  It’s a time to be grateful to the early settlers who survived that first year and to the Native Americans who helped them.  It’s time to be grateful for all those Founding Fathers who persisted in maintaining their independence and who forged together a democratic republic which protects our freedoms. I’m grateful.  Happy Thanksgiving.    Friday, November 14, 2003                 The Wild Life   Some of my contemporaries (those with spouses and resources) have retired to their dream homes on the waterfront and spend their hours playing golf and watching wildlife. I, having neither spouse nor resources, remain in town, not playing golf but, indeed, watching wildlife. Besides the urban squirrels, the lost opposum and the flock of sparrows, I am privileged to watch the two-legged untrappable, unflappable twenty year old wildlife. Just this morning I look up from my knitting and out the door of the house across the street flies a girl in shorts, tee shirt and bare feet (It’s a cold morning in early November) and grasping a notebook she runs across the alley, through the neighbor’s back yard and disappears.  That’s wild. One breezy day last spring, from the back roof of that same house there flew a flock of papers, white 8 and a half by eleven flutterers  sailing into the trees and landing in the street, in my driveway, on the lawn. Anguished faces peered from the roof. Soon the ersatz sun bathers were out on the lawn, gathering up what I suppose was a priceless term paper.   Last year was really wild in the house directly across the street.  Male creatures enjoyed many a keg party, one culminating with the alpha male smashing a huge pumpkin on his closely shaven head and then donning a full bodied cow suit and running up and down the sidewalk yelling at passing cars and waving a sign that said “Eat More Chicken!” Of course, I thought it was a Dalmatian Dog suit (those black and white spots) and that made it all Really Wild.  May it never end!   Friday, November 7, 2003 I live in a University town, a once lovely square mile of private homes, many built in the 19th century.  Once lovely but now bordering on ugly, since some time in the past 20 years, the lunkheads who run the town decided to allow students to live off campus and bring their cars to school.  This, of course, led to an over abundance of cars and an under abundance of parking spaces.  So the knuckleheads who run the town decided that every time a greedy landlord cut up a beautiful home into student apartments, he had to provide parking spaces on his property.  So now we’re looking at spacious green lawns turned into car lots, except my little house which I hang on to and my little green lawn and garden which stand out on a street of beer cans, rubbish barrels and cars, cars, cars.      Be that as it may, I actually enjoy having students as neighbors.  There’s a certain sense of Peter Pan’s Never Never Land here, as we never grow up and every year my neighbors remain the same age, late teens, early twenties. So I can never grow old with them (yeah, right!). Student neighbors come in certain groups; girls, who are good, boys, who are okay, accountants, the perfect neighbors, and hockey players (call the cops).      I’m not the only real person living in town, and lately there has been some political action to keep the square mile inhabitable.  I’m hopeful that town and gown can live harmoniously.  Certainly my current student neighbors have been reasonably quiet and neat and I’m hoping it’s a trend.  Friday, October 31  Lighten Up, World!   It’s time to lighten up, World!  I watched the disgraceful spectacle (among several, I might add) of the Chicago Cubs fan being booed and hissed and escorted from the park for his own safety after trying to catch a fly ball and interfering with the play. How many others had their hands out? It’s only a game. Lighten up!      A police officer writes a ticket for a car parked on the street in the wrong direction. So all the headlights are not facing in the same direction. Lighten up!      So your 30 foot street will be extended with a 40 foot street and there will be more traffic.  Get speed bumps!  Set up a lemonade stand!  Lighten up! That’s progress!      And mind you, I didn’t say “Light Up!” as in Bill Clinton’s smoking but not inhaling, or “You Light Up My Life” or the first George Bush with his Thousand Points of Light.  By the way, was that for World Peace?  Was George W. not in the room? Not listening?      How about my student who dared to correct her father’s grammar (“It’s ‘I could not care less’, not ‘I could care less’”) and got yelled at. Lighten up, Dad.  Be glad she’s learning something.      A professor at UCLA writes a scorching criticism of my book because my Indo European roots are out of date and the Sanskrit is incorrectly quoted.  Good Heavens! Lighten up!  How many Sanskrit readers were offended?  How many Sanskrit readers ARE there?      Not that all these events don’t have their serious objectives.  You shouldn’t interfere with the professional players, you need to drive on the right side of the road, no one wants through traffic on a dead end street and no father needs to be corrected by a daughter.  Still, let’s keep our perspective.  Life is too short to be angry, mad or picky.  Lighten up!          Friday, October 24                    Trees         Facts about trees: a tree is a tall plant with a single stem. Trees today are the heaviest living things ever to have existed on Earth. Sequoias can weigh six thousand tons.  Some trees, like the oak, ash and beech, can be heavier than any animal, taller than many buildings and older than God.      Even more enthralling is what a tree DOES.  Every year a tree pumps several tons of water nearly 100 feet into the air.  It produces 100,000 leaves and covers over a half an acre of trunk and branches with new bark.      I was in awe of trees before I knew all that. Now, I am even more so.      My back yard has a canopy of deciduous trees, mostly oaks, maples, ash, and hackberries. (The word canopy is from the Greek konopos, meaning, of all things, a mosquito. How ancient is that little bugger!). My canopy is not so low and dense that monkeys can swing from one side to another as in Tarzan’s jungle, but it is a canopy nevertheless.  Once in a while I can see through the little patch of blue a tiny silver plane on its way to Chicago or a chicken hawk circling. But now the canopy is coming down and my back yard has an ankle deep carpet of yellow, brown,and orange leaves.      And I am in awe that the natural cycle of the trees continues in spite of all the cars and the pollution they bring, in spite of acid rain, in spite of disease and tar spot fungus and destructive bugs and critters and men with chain saws. The mighty tree stands as a monument to the power of Nature and a rebuke to Mankind whose greed and materialism will seek to destroy it.   for Monday, October 13, 2003            Those #@*& Yankees!        Long ago I stopped going to major league baseball games – too much hassle with the parking, walking, etc. – with the exception of last summer when I got to sit in the tenth row right behind the dugout in Fenway Park. What a view!  How much better than watching on TV!  When you’re there, you see the whole field at once.  You can see how FAST the ball is thrown, you feel the dust billowing up from the collision at home plate.  On TV all you get to do is look into the pitcher’s eyeballs, or watch the guys in the dugout do disgusting things like spit, chew and scratch.       But Oh how I love the playoffs! I don’t watch baseball on TV very much all summer, but come October, playoff time, what a treat!  So during the Red Sox win over the Athletics, two guys collide in the outfield, and there they are, lying on their backs, possibly unconscious, concussed or dying, and the second baseman (or somebody) steps OVER the injured guy, EXTRACTS the ball and makes a play. That’s the desire to win!      Finally, what’s the deal with all this finger pointing to Heaven? Is God helping you hit a home run?  Does He have favorites? Isn’t She going to help everyone?  At this rate, everyone at bat will be crossing themselves or finger pointing to the Lord. But, oh well, I’ve got some bad news. Nothing’s going to help you, YANKEES! for Monday, October 6, 2003 Click here to contact me. (With apologies to Kalman ,Meyerowitz and New Yorkistan.)                                                     Bushwacknia   Last week I was watching Rummy testify before a congressional committee, defending President Bush’s request for 86 billion dollars for the war against terrorism (formerly the war in Iraq, formerly the war against weapons of mass destruction, formerly the war against Saddam, really, the war to protect our oil interests).  In his proud, grim, squinty-eyed (supposed to be steely-eyed) demeanor, Rummy ticked off the list of MANY (and you thought this was a go-it-alone President!) countries that have joined us in this endeavor.  Unfortunately by the time he was 3 or 4 names into the list, I was laughing so hard I missed them.  But I think the following countries were included; Italy, UK, Balklavia, Eastern Slowackia, Western Slowackia, Southern Slowackia, Northern Slowackia, Northeastern Slowackia, Kolslawia, Kaching, Checkoutnia, Smallplatz, Badchecknia, Smallpopnia, Dogpatz, Postofficeboksnia, Threehutz, Twoguysandadognia, Gobaknia and Rejeks.  Go Team! Assembly Line Education As pointed out in the latest issue of THE NEW YORKER (Sept. 15, 2003), by Malcolm Gladwell, our federal government is bent on tweaking the educational system again, this time based on the philosophy that education is like the Henry Ford assembly line and you can put the child on the conveyor belt at Kindergarten and 12 years later, out he pops, all educated.    The article goes on to dispel the notion that anyone can measure the child's progress along the way. Proficient is the current buzz word.  Gladwell describes three methods of discovering proficiency.  One, the "contrasting groups" method involves a large group of teachers who identify students whom they believe are proficient in a given subject.  Those students then are tested and their grades are the proficiency standard. A second method, "the bookmark", involves ranking questions and then an educator chooses the one that would separate the proficient from the losers. Finally, the Jaeger-Mills method in which educators assign ratings to test questions.  In an article by Robert Linn of the University of Colorado, the state of Kentucky gave a reading test to middle school students and used all three methods to label proficiency.  With the contrasting group method, the pass rate was 22.7 per cent. With bookmark, 61 per cent passed and with Jaeger-Mills, only 10.5 per cent passed. Hmmmm.     Years ago I came to the conclusion that education is nowhere near like an assembly line.  For one thing, the product frequently just hops off and walks away.  Some stay on the line but turn their backs.  Some actively resist, throwing your screws and bolts back at you, while others resist in a more subtle, secretive way, sabotaging your best creative efforts by cheating. Teaching is not creating a product and a teacher's best efforts can produce results that vary wildly from fantastically brilliant to dismal failure. On the other hand, I think the best measure of educational success is, ironically, by looking at the final product.  Is the graduate well adjusted to deal with the adult world?  Is he equipped with the basic skills of reading, writing and computing?  Does he have a rudimentary knowledge of technology? Is he healthy?  Can he swim? Does he smile a lot? Does he have an open mind?  Does he like to learn?  These are the measures of an educated person.  These should be our goals.